Michael Che[Starts with Weekend Update intro]
Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]
Michael Che: Hey, everybody.
Colin Jost: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Colin Jost.
Michael Che: I’m Michael Che.[Cut to Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]
Well, Colin, it’s official. Donald Trump is the next president of the United States. Ha-ha, United. You know, I didn’t want Trump to win, but as a comedian, it is a little encouraging. Coz people are always telling me, “Che, you know you can lose your job for saying that”, and now I’m like, “No, I can’t.” How did this happen? Either Donald Trump is actually a genius or Hillary Clinton hit a voodoo priest with her car. I don’t think there has ever been two more unlikable candidates. Not one time in election have I heard anyone say, “You know what? I like them both.”[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: And Donald Trump is now the oldest person ever elected president and has never held a job in government. If you’re 70 and you have no experience, you couldn’t get hired at Target. A 70 year old holding a new career is not how president supposed to work. It’s the plot of the Intern. [Picture changes to Robert De Niro’s picture from Intern.] A plot which Rolling Stone called “Pure fantasy.” It’s like if America needed life saving surgery and we could have got world’s most experienced doctors, but instead we went with a guy wearing a hat that says, “I am a good doctor.”[Cut to Michael Che.]
Michael Che: Liberals did not see this coming because we’re too segregated. It’s like we forget there’s another half of the country. I didn’t think anybody would vote for Trump just like I didn’t think ‘A Madea Halloween’ would be the number one movie in America. I mean, who would choose that? Democrats got too cocky, man. They were like the Golden State Warriors winning 73 games. They won so often that they didn’t even think they could lose again. Then, they got their ass kicked in Ohio.
Colin Jost: And look, I know this outcome seems shocking, but remember, America’s like Leslie Jones, addicted to white guys. [Michael Che laughing] I mean, sure for a while [Picture changes to Barack Obama] our friend Barry got us clean and sober for eight years, but then uncle Donny rolled into town with a gold plane and a stack o cash, and he was like, “One more hit of a white stuff won’t kill ya!”[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]
Michael Che: People are blaming Trump’s victory on racism, I disagree, coz I’m racist, I didn’t vote for Donald Trump. I think the election came down to feeling special. Donald Trump made white guys feel special again. He spoke directly to them. He mad eye contact. Gave them little hats. He made white guys feel pretty and strong. He’s like Beyonce. 54% of white women voted for Trump. You don’t think that had something to do with senior out of work depressed husbands coming home from Trump rallies all jacked up and horny, ready to seize the day?
What did surprise me was that 30% of Latinos voted for Trump. I even asked my Mexican friend. I was like, “How could you vote for Donald Trump?” And he said, “Che! I’m Mexican… I’m Puerto Rican.”[Colin Jost laughing] [Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: You didn’t know? He wasn’t sure. [laughing] Ethnicity- other. And look, I–
Michael Che: Don’t look at me.
Colin Jost: And look, I know that this seems like a huge step backwards for our country, but we have to remember that progress isn’t just a straight line upwards. It’s a weird rollercoaster where sometimes you’re screaming for joy, and other times you’re barfing in your own face.
Michael Che: If anything this election shows, just how disconnected we are from each other. Okay? I mean look at this map of votes by county. [Picture changes to US map with blue and red zones separated by votes.] You see how the democrat areas look like the metro PCS coverage zone? I mean, we’re sharing a bet together and conservatives are all sprawled out in the middle while liberals are on the edge passing aggressively tweeting. You want this relationship to work, we got to cuddle, man! We got to talk, get familiar. You can’t just wait until you’re in desperate need of attention and poke her on the back with your penis and ask, “You asleep?”[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Barack Obama shaking their hands at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: ON Thursday, Trump went to the White House and showed us how brave he is, by meeting face to face with the man who founded ISIS.[Picture changes to Mike Pence]
Yesterday was announced that mike Pence will lead Trump’s transition team which is weird because normally when people transition, Pence sends them to conversion therapy.[Picture changes to Donald Trump]
Despite Donald Trump’s campaign promised to drain the swamp, many of the people in line for his administration are long time Washington insiders and lobbyists. Because even if you drain a swamp, it’s still full of nuts [Jebb Bush] , sleepy little turtle [Dr. Ben Carson], a hissing possum [Rudy Giuliani] and pile of wet garbage [Chris Christie].[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Hillary Clinton at right top corner.]
Michael Che: You know you still got to drive to New Jersey, right?
Colin Jost: I just won’t take the bridge.
Michael Che: And please people… [laughing] And let’s not mourn to political career of Hillary Clinton. Okay? She’s not going anywhere. This woman is a gangster. She’s unbreakable. This is not her first upset. Okay? Hillary Clinton once lost a presidential race to a black guy named Hussain and she is still fighting. Hillary Clinton is like Roy Jones Jr., every time she gets knocked out again, I’m like, “Why are you even still doing this? Do you need money? I’ll give you money.”[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Hillary Clinton facing backwards at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: I’m hopeful now that Hillary can finally have some time for herself. Like, the day after the election, she was already spotted hiking in the woods near her house. And weirdly, she had already grown out a full David Letterman retirement beard. There were also some really good historical moments on Tuesday. For example, a record number of female minorities were elected to the senate. [cheers and applause] That’s what I’m saying. Let’s see all their names right now.[Cut to the video list. The list is as short as ‘Kamala Harris, Tammy Duckworth, Catherine Cortez Masto, Mazie Hirono’.] [Cut back to Colin Jost. He is holding his coffee mug and about to drink it.]
Wait, what? That was it? That was the record? I thought I had more time. [Michael Che laughing] [Picture changes to Walt Disney]
Disney has received permission to fly drones over it’s themed parks. In an effort to caption or kill Aladdin.[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of vegetables at right top corner.]
Michael Che: “Che, I’m Mexican.” What are they thinking? [Colin Jost laughing]
Colin Jost: So confident. [Michael Che laughing]
Michael Che: Right down the part. A new study shows that people with the vegetarian diet may live longer. Okay, but for what?