Michael Che[Starts with Weekend Update intro]
Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]
Colin Jost: Hey, good evening everybody.
Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.
Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton at left top corner.]
Well, this Wednesday was the series finale of the American Horror Story Debates. This was the calmest of the three debates and also weirdly the most hostile. It was like a Connecticut Thanksgiving. Everyone was dressed up nice. They were polite for about 30 minutes, then your uncle had a drink, your aunt mentioned abortion, and your uncle threatened to burn the house down. But I can already tell, I’m gonna miss these debates. They were just such great television. And Donald Trump might be my favorite TV character of all time. He’s like Kramer, you know? His high energy, his plans are insane and it’s only a matter of time before he shouts the N word on stage.[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton at right top corner.]
Michael Che: Cut some meat. At the debate, Hillary called Trump the most dangerous person to run for president in modern history. Yeah, but you still only polling in 5 points better than him. So, let’s not get too cocky. Trump’s campaign is literally a full diaper. And 40% of the country is like, “Ah! At least he’s not Hillary Clinton.” Maybe people would like Hillary more if she didn’t get rid of 33,000 emails like she was Lorraine Bracco flushing coke at the end of Goodfellas. Don’t pretend that that’s not suspicious. The only reason anybody would even have 33,000 emails is because they keep all their emails and getting rid of all of them in one time is like going to a Hoarder’s apartment and it’s suddenly empty and smells like bleach, and they’re like, “What 33,000 cats? I don’t know.”[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: During the debate, Trump said that the women accusing him of sexual assault are just looking for “their 10minutes of fame’. But the expression is of the 15 minutes of fame. Trump is so cheap, he is lowballing them on their minutes of fame.
Michael Che: Trump also restated that nobody respects women more than he does. Nobody? What about other women? What about Rupaul? Now, he respects women. That dude squeezes a size 12 foot in a pumps to leto just as a tribute everyday. Maybe Trump thinks nobody respects women more than him because all his closest friends are Mike Tyson, Roger Ailes and Gary Busey. Yeah, compared to them, Donald Trump is Tina Fey, I guess.[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: Trump also refused to say if he would accept the results of the election if he loses. And this is what he had to say.[Cut to Donald Trump’s speech]
Donald Trump: I will tell you at the time. I will keep you in suspense.[Cut to Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: Keep us in suspense. It’s like he is still hosting a reality show. And I’ll tell you, if I’m going to tear apart the fabric of our democracy, right after the break. Meanwhile, his running mate [Picture changes to Mike Pence] Mike Pence disagreed and said he will accept the results of the election. Unless they’re gay. And of course, Trump keeps saying this whole time that the media is rigging the election against him. But why would the media rig against him? He is the greatest thing that has ever happened to them. Who do you think they’d rather spend the next four years covering? [Picture changes to Hillary Clinton] A grandma who loves secrets or a [Picture changes to Donald Trump] human airhorn who screams every thought in his head and can’t swing his arm without grabbing a lady’s ass?[Cut to Michael Che.]
Michael Che: Well. Trump may have a point. It does seem like virtually every media outlet is doing everything in their power to prevent Trump presidency. The media is acting like the sober girls at a bar making sure their country doesn’t go home with that scuzzy orange dude. They’re like, “America, no! Get in the car. We’re going home with Hillary.” And Trump is like, “Stop hating. Let her decide for herself.” It’s just weird for you to say the system is rigged now. I mean there were 43 white male presidents in a row, and now one black guy and maybe one woman, and now you’re sensing a pattern of unfairness? I don’t even feel comfortable arguing about this. An old white billionaire is on TV telling the world the system is rigged. And my black ass is arguing that it’s not. This just feels wrong. Our world is colliding. What will this lead to? How crazy would it be if Kolin Kaepernick is kneeling for the national anthem and Donald Trump is kneeling right next to him like, “Yeah, me too.”