Michael Che[Starts with Weekend Update intro]
Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]
Michael Che: Hello, everybody.
Colin Jost: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Colin Jost.
Michael Che: I’m Michael Che.[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]
And well, one week has passed since Donald Trump’s been elected president. Now, it hasn’t been great, but it also hasn’t been good. Or, even fine. So, half of the country is worried that Trump is going to make America unsafe for women and minorities. The first guy he hired was [Picture changes to Steve Bannon] former chairman of Breitbart news and fitness enthusiast, Steve Bannon. Oh, that face though. Breitbart news has been criticized by the left for being a sexist, racist, white nationalist news site. Hah! Strong words. I don’t know if I’d call it a news site. Calling Breitbart news site is like calling the R. Kelly sex tape a romcom.[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Jeff Sessions at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: Donald Trump also nominated Alabama senator Jeff Sessions for attorney general, even though Sessions was denied a federal position 30 years ago for making racist remarks. But you know what they say, if at first you don’t succeed, wait 30 years until history lurches backwards. [Picture changes to Donald Trump] The thing that’s surprising me most about all these peeps is how lazy they are. They’re just whoever’s lying around Trump’s office. He basically did a Yelp search with a radius of 10 feet. At this point, if you just wandered into Donald Trump on the street and you are wearing a suit, there’s a 90% chance he’d make you secretary of education. And half of the guys he is picking have been unemployed. Is this what he meant by bringing jobs back? I think Trump is just surrounding himself with people who make him look better. I mean that was kind of the point of Celebrity Apprentice. People think Trump’s a great businessman because he is, compared to Brett Michaels and Lou Ferrigno.[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]
Michael Che: It was reported that Donald Trump was surprised by the scope of the responsibilities of a president. Yeah, dude. Being president is hard. That’s why Obama looks like he spent eight years in a turkey smoker. Obama is the only guy that gave up cigarettes and somehow looks worse. You know, I don’t even think Donald Trump ever wanted to be president in the first place. I mean nobody is judging a swimsuit contest with Dennis Rodman while also wanting to bring back jobs to rural Pennsylvania. I think he just wanted to win the election because everybody said he couldn’t. It’s like dating. Chasing someone as hard to get is always more fun that the actual relationship. He just liked the chase. He enjoyed wooing America for 18 months, he loved making crazy promises, even when the media was saying Trump was crazy, he was just like, “Baby, stop listening to your dumb fat friends. They’re just jealous.” And it worked somehow. America said yes. But now the chase is over. And the relationship starts. And it’s not fun anymore. He’s getting texts from Dennis Rodman in the middle of the night like, “Bro, let’s go hit up a pageant.” And he’s like, “I- I can’t man. She’s making me put together cabinet. I promised her a wall. I got to have dinner with China. I don’t like this.” Clearly, he’s not ready for this commitment. That’s why every time America brings up moving to DC, he’s like, “Yeah, babe. I think I’m gonna keep my place in New York.”
Colin Jost: Donald Trump is considering splitting his time between the White House and his Manhattan residence which would cost tax payers tens of millions of dollars. But it’s all worth it to help a billionaire go night-night in his big boy bed.[Picture changes to Donald Trump]
One thing I keep hearing all week was, “Can you believe Trump is doing this?” Yeah, it’s Trump. His whole platform was about how he’s not gonna be a normal president. The only real model we have from Trump presidency is the movie First Kid. But I’m just worried it might all end, less like First Kid and more like Independence Day.[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]
Michael Che: Major media outlets such as CNN, The Washington Post and New York Times have criticized Trump for walking back his more controversial campaign promises. But shouldn’t the media be encouraging him when he is moving in the right direction? I mean, maybe if you ran complimentary headlines, you could trick him into doing what you really want. For example, instead of the headline that says, “Trump breaks promise to lock up Hillary Clinton”, maybe try something more positive, like, “Heroic Trump saves grandma.” Or you could change, “Trump flip flops on repealing Obamacare” to “Generous Trump honors unemployed black man’s last wish.” You see, you’ll like that.[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a a picture of Mike Pence at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: Mike Pence on Friday was ‘booed’ by the audience after seeing the Broadway hit Hamilton. Of course he was ‘booed.’ He’s the guy from Indiana who believes in gay conversion therapy. Visiting Broadway is how people from Indiana realized they’re gay.