Colin Jost
Heather… Cecily Strong
[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]
Colin Jost: A new study reveals that movies with female leads like Frozen and the Hunger Games still give most of the dialog to the men. Here to talk about it is the one-dimensional female character from a male driven comedy.
[Heather slides in]
Heather: Hey Jost. Good to see you again.
Colin Jost: Yes, welcome back Heather. So, how do you feel about this new study?
Heather: However, you feel I guess. Maybe like this. [Cut to Heather] Maybe like this. “Hmm”. Or maybe like this. “Pfft.” If I get too angry then I’m not sexy anymore. I’m just a nag. And I’m not old enough to play the nag. You have to be 28 for that. I’m somewhere between eighteen and 27. But I date 40 and up. The fatter, the better.
[Cut to Heather and Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: That’s cool.
Heather: Thanks. That means a lot to me. I needed to hear that today. Just promise me you won’t get too drunk tonight with your crazy friend Bruce.
Colin Jost: Who is Bruce?
Heather: Bruce. You know. As a joke he fed you X and [Cut to Heather] you messed you pants in the sand trap. I was watching from the golf cart doing this. [sigh]
[Cut to Heather and Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: You were?
Heather: Yeah, but it was cut coz the test audience [Cut to Heather] couldn’t tell why I was there or who I was or why I would care or that if it was caring that I was showing on my face. Should I show some side boob now?
[Cut to Heather and Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: No, you don’t– You don’t need to do that. No.
Heather: Wow, you sound just like a girl. By the way, that’s the funniest thing I’ve ever said in my life.
Colin Jost: I- I guess it’s pretty funny. Yeah.
Heather: Wow. I feel like I can really be myself around you. [music playing] Like, go to a baseball game with you and know the nickname of the player. Then I’ll go get hotdogs without any help. And on the way back, I’ll accidentally stick my butt in your friend’s face. Then he’ll get a boner and you’ll accidentally touch it. Then you two will be on the kisscam and I’ll be out of the movie for the next 45 minutes.
Colin Jost: Where do you go?
Heather: Oh, I just turn off. Everything kind of goes black for me. Then I come back to watch you do karaoke. And I surprise you by taking my clothes off in front of you after one shot of tequila. [Cut to Heather] And that’s when they found out cartoon finish that’s also in the movie says, “Nice bush. You don’t see those much anymore.” That’s how you know it’s a comedic part for me.
[Cut to Heather and Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: Well, they may not give you the most line–
Heather: The least. I have the least. And the movie is named after me.
Colin Jost: What’s it called?
[Cut to Heather]
Heather: Bagging Heather. The fish is really funny. At one point, I sneeze into a Kleenex full of semen but nobody tells me.
[Cut to Heather and Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: [laughing] Oh my god! Heather, that’s–
Heather: It’s okay. In the sequel, it’s like I never existed.
Colin Jost: So, what’s next for you?
[Cut to Heather]
Heather: I can’t say any more lines or they have to pay me like a man.
[Heather looks at the ceiling and pauses]
[Cut to Heather and Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: I think she just turned off. The one-dimensional female character from a male driven comedy. For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.
Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.
