Pete Davidson[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]
Colin Jost: 12 days after the election. Americans are still protesting Donald Trump’s presidency. With more on this is Pete Davidson.[Pete Davidson slides in] [Cheers and applause]
Pete Davidson: Hey! Hi, Colin. Wad up?
Colin Jost: What’s up Pete? You got some fans.
Pete Davidson: Yeah. One.
Colin Jost: How are you doing, Pete?
Pete Davidson: I’m doing pretty bad. I’m doing really bad, actually.
Colin Jost: Really? Well, I mean, you know people are bummed about the election but they ended up legalizing weed in a bunch of states. So that probably cheers you up, right?
Pete Davidson: No, but it should. But it’s that, it has ruined weed for me forever. [Cut to Pete Davidson] Coz Donald Trump being president is something I used to say when I was high and laugh at how crazy it is. And I’m high right now, and it is not funny. They say give Trump a chance and the first thing he did is hire a chief strategist who everybody is saying hates Jews. They say, “No, Bannon doesn’t hate Jewish people. He has worked alongside them.” Yeah, and Mel Gibson did four lethal weapons with Danny Glover. That proves nothing.[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: Now, do you think there could be any kind of an up side to Trump being president?
Pete Davidson: Yeah. He’ll probably reduce crime in the real estate business by no longer working in the real estate business.
Colin Jost: And what do you think the worst part of him being president is going to be?[Cut to Pete Davidson]
Pete Davidson: Well, now, anyone thinks they can run for office. Like, even Kanye thinks he could be president. He has been saying he loves Trump and is gonna run against him. Like he heard people saying, “This was greatest threat America has faced”, and he was like, “No, I’m the greatest!” Like, we as a country need to agree that if it isn’t over a sick beat, we don’t want to listen to anything Kanye West has to say ever again. Okay? That guy is crazy. Ay, I’m not innocent. I’ve said some Kanye like things, like, a few weeks ago I got into a little trouble because I said some things about my hometown. Our hometown, Staten Island. I was just kidding around when I said, “Hurricane Sandy should have finished the job.” And yeah, people were mad. But to be fair, I was raised there. So, Staten Island should kind of share some of the blame. I mean it was pretty Staten Island thing to say. And I was gonna apologize, but then I saw this. [Cut to picture of New York colored red and blue according to majority voting. Most of it has blue, but Staten Island has over 80% red.] This is how the five boroughs of New York voted. You see that big red open wound? That’s Staten Island, the herpes of boroughs. [Cut to Pete Davidson] Now do you get it? Now do you see why I can’t stand us? Like, this is what I really wanted to say. It’s like I know a lot of you are upset and scared and sad, myself included. And to everyone feeling that way, I think it’s important to hold on to that outrage. Hold on your anger and frustration and let it build and build so you can release it at the exact right moment. Thanksgiving! Your family wanted Trump? Well, this is what they’re gonna hear the whole entire day. “Hey grandpa, can you take a second away from loving Hitler to pass me the potatoes? Can’t wait to play our annual game of sheets versus skins.” Coz, I’ll be on the front lines coz I’m having thanksgiving in Staten Island.
Colin Jost: Pete Davidson, everyone!
Pete Davidson: I was right!