Weekend Update Pete Davidson on Going Bald


Colin Jost

Pete Davidson

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: The CDC is warning of an increase in opioid overdoses and is costing Americans $78 billion a year. With more on this is resident young person, Pete Davidson.

[Pete Davidson slides in] [cheers and applause]

Pete Davidson: Thank you. Not anymore. Wally, change the cue card. I am no longer a young person, okay? My career is over.

Colin Jost: Wait, Pete, what are you talking about?

Pete Davidson: It happened, Colin. I started going bald. I’m on propecia now.

Colin Jost: Wait a second. Propecia? What is that?

Pete Davidson: Sure Colin, sure. Okay.

Colin Jost: What?

Pete Davidson: What? Mid 30s with that wall of hair, I’m not buying.

Colin Jost: I’m not on propecia.

Pete Davidson: Yeah, and I just smoked weed for my chrome’s disease.

Colin Jost: Okay, what’s even going on? How are you balding? You’re like, nine.

Pete Davidson: I know. [Cut to Pete Davidson] Look, that’s why it’s so scary. So, over the summer, I looked into the sink and I noticed some hair. And at first, I thought it was my pubes because I am that tall and I do straighten them. But it wasn’t. And I had to go to the doctor and he like, prescribed me propecia.

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: And does it have any kind of side effects?

Pete Davidson: He said like, “It will– for some people, it will lower your sex drive. [Cut to Pete Davidson] So like, if you’re one of these guys who needs to have sex four or five times a day, then this drug isn’t for you. You know? But if you’re okay with doing it like, once a day, you’ll be fine.” And I was like, “Once a day? What am I? Hugh Hefner? Yeah!” I take like, generic version that’s like once a week. The hair is what’s important. So…

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Yeah, and so how is it working out?

Pete Davidson: It’s working out. [Cut to Pete Davidson] I have all my hair and girls still want to get with me. But I’m impotent, so I could care less. You know? I’m pretty much like the coolest guy in town.

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Yeah. It’s a dream. And I gotta say, propecia then doesn’t really sound that bad.

Pete Davidson: It’s not. It’s crazy. It’s really crazy. [Cut to Pete Davidson] It’s if you’re okay with like, having sex once a day, then you could have your hair for the rest of your life. It makes me look at bald dudes with a whole new light now. Every time I see a bald guy I’m like, “You just can’t keep your dick in your pants.”

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Pete Davidson, everybody.

Pete Davidson: I beat god.

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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