Pete Davidson[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]
Colin Jost: The CDC is warning of an increase in opioid overdoses and is costing Americans $78 billion a year. With more on this is resident young person, Pete Davidson.[Pete Davidson slides in] [cheers and applause]
Pete Davidson: Thank you. Not anymore. Wally, change the cue card. I am no longer a young person, okay? My career is over.
Colin Jost: Wait, Pete, what are you talking about?
Pete Davidson: It happened, Colin. I started going bald. I’m on propecia now.
Colin Jost: Wait a second. Propecia? What is that?
Pete Davidson: Sure Colin, sure. Okay.
Colin Jost: What?
Pete Davidson: What? Mid 30s with that wall of hair, I’m not buying.
Colin Jost: I’m not on propecia.
Pete Davidson: Yeah, and I just smoked weed for my chrome’s disease.
Colin Jost: Okay, what’s even going on? How are you balding? You’re like, nine.
Pete Davidson: I know. [Cut to Pete Davidson] Look, that’s why it’s so scary. So, over the summer, I looked into the sink and I noticed some hair. And at first, I thought it was my pubes because I am that tall and I do straighten them. But it wasn’t. And I had to go to the doctor and he like, prescribed me propecia.[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: And does it have any kind of side effects?
Pete Davidson: He said like, “It will– for some people, it will lower your sex drive. [Cut to Pete Davidson] So like, if you’re one of these guys who needs to have sex four or five times a day, then this drug isn’t for you. You know? But if you’re okay with doing it like, once a day, you’ll be fine.” And I was like, “Once a day? What am I? Hugh Hefner? Yeah!” I take like, generic version that’s like once a week. The hair is what’s important. So…[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: Yeah, and so how is it working out?
Pete Davidson: It’s working out. [Cut to Pete Davidson] I have all my hair and girls still want to get with me. But I’m impotent, so I could care less. You know? I’m pretty much like the coolest guy in town.[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: Yeah. It’s a dream. And I gotta say, propecia then doesn’t really sound that bad.
Pete Davidson: It’s not. It’s crazy. It’s really crazy. [Cut to Pete Davidson] It’s if you’re okay with like, having sex once a day, then you could have your hair for the rest of your life. It makes me look at bald dudes with a whole new light now. Every time I see a bald guy I’m like, “You just can’t keep your dick in your pants.”[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: Pete Davidson, everybody.
Pete Davidson: I beat god.