Colin Jost
Pete Davidson
[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]
Colin Jost: President Obama has said that he will sign the executive order mandating universal background checks for gun purchases which many in congress oppose. With more on this is our own Pete Davidson.
[Pete Davidson slides in]
Pete Davidson: Thanks Colin. Hi buddy. I don’t understand–
[Someone from the audience hooting]
[Cut to Pete Davidson]
Oh, thank you lady. I don’t understand why anyone would be against background checks. You know? I wish I did a background check on my roommate. I might have found out that he gets his hair cuts in the living room. Or that he uses my toothbrush to clean his toothbrush. I actually saw a show that it said like, ‘The bait was reopened about whether mentally ill people should be able to own guns’ which I didn’t know was debatable. One guy even said like, “I don’t think the founding fathers wanted the people to lose their rights just because they had a mental illness”, which I guess sounds like it makes sense until you remember we’re talking about the 1700s when the most popular treatment for schizophrenia was like, fire. Just lots of fire. They didn’t have lexapro. As if that wasn’t weird enough, Texas just passed a law allowing people to carry guns into mental institutions. That’s a real thing. Not like joke that we wrote. That happens now.
Here’s a fun fact about me. When I was a kid, I was pretty depressed and I spent some time in a mental institution twice. So far… And I’ll be back. Oh, yeah. And I learned two things. One, the craziest guy there gets the control of the TV. His name was two-eyed Willie.
[Cut to Colin Jost and Pete Davidson]
Colin Jost: Wait a second. Why did they call him two eyed Willie?
Pete Davidson: They weren’t his. And second, [Cut to Pete Davidson] none of those people including me should ever be allowed near a gun. I cannot believe they let me drive. Every time I get behind the wheel, I’m like, “Wow, somebody really dropped a ball here.” It’s awesome. If I own the gun, I’d have to guy a new TV every time the Knicks lost. The reason Obama is going straight to an executive order is coz congress refused to even pass a law banning people on the no fire-list from buying the gun. But shouldn’t the gun list be the stricter list? That means somebody out there is being told like, “Sorry sir. Um, we don’t trust you to fly to Cleveland but if you wanna buy this assault rifle and take the bus…” They don’t have security on the bus, man. It’s just the driver who might like turn around once in a while and be like, “Ay! Stop!”
[Cut to Colin Jost and Pete Davidson]
Colin Jost: Pete Davidson, everyone!
