Pete Davidson[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]
Colin Jost: Well, tomorrow is Mother’s Day. With more on this is our own Pete Davidson.[Pete slides in]
You’re looking good.
Pete: Yeah, right? It was my idea.
Colin Jost: That’s great. Beautiful.
Pete: Thank you. I take Mother’s Day very seriously because [cut to Pete] my mom raised me and my sister by herself, and had to be dad and the mom. You know? As a kid, she was the school nurse and she always looked out for me. She would get me out of the scoliosis check or the hearing test.[Cut to Pete and Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: So, you never had your hearing check?
Pete: [showing his sweatshirt] Nah, I got this from wardrobe. [Cut to Pete] See, she tried to teach me what to do with girls. She’d say like, put cologne on your palm so she’ll smell it after she gets home from the night of holding hands. And always ask a girl permission before you touch her boob, even if it’s already out. While I was fifteen, she even bought me my first pack of condoms. And then five years later when those expired, she bought me more. She was always defending me. No, she always defended me as a kid. My mom’s the best. But now, I think she needs to stop coz she’s still defending me as an adult. Like on twitter, she joined twitter with the fake username ‘joesmith3030’ so she could anonymously spy on me. And then immediately started tweeting at trolls. Like this. [a tweet appears] “No, YOU suck, don’t ever talk about Pete Davidson like that again. I will tear you apart with my bare hands. I’m his mother.” Or this jam. This one says, “@NBC, Hey Lauren Michaels. I think my son would be great in some sketches too. Winking face, #ImSingle, Wine glass emoji.”
These are real. That’s what it said. You know my mom. So, I’m here to ask for help. I want to find my mom what she really needs this Mother’s Day. And that’s a man. Coz she deserves it. You know? Like, I’m not looking for a step dad material. I don’t want to have to like, learn your name. Ma, are you video taping this?[Cut to Pete’s mom recording]
Pete’s mom: Hi, sweetheart. How are you doing?[Cut to Pete]
Pete: I’m trying to tell everybody how much I love you and you making it really hard right now.[cut to Pete’s mom]
Pete’s mom: Okay. Don’t forget to smile.[Cut to Pete and Colin Jost]
Pete: Please, kill me. Everybody, this is ridiculous.
Colin Jost: Pete Davidson and his mom.
Pete: My mom is the best.
Michael Che: For Weekend Update.
Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.
Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.[The End]