Weekend Update- Ruth Bader Ginsburg on Not Retiring

Colin Jost

Ruth Bader Ginsberg… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: As president, Donald Trump is now in charge of supreme court appointments which many predict will lead to a conservative majority for decades to come. Here to comment is liberal justice, Ruth Bader Ginsberg.

[Ruth Bader Ginsberg slides in]

Ruth Bader Ginsberg: Woo! Woo! RBG in the house, baby. I’m never gonna step down now. You can’t get rid of me.

Colin Jost: But justice Ginsberg, I think everyone expected you to retire soon. I mean, you’re 83.

Ruth Bader Ginsberg: Yeah. You’re damn right I was gonna retire. [Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsberg] Clinton was gonna win, I was going straight to the Dominican Republic. Even the last time I was there, they thought I was a zika mosquito. But not now! Not now! Now I gotta stay alive and healthy, dammit! Give me my thing. [Ruth Bader Ginsberg pulls out a packet of vitamins] Excuse me. Gotta take my vitamin.

[Ruth Bader Ginsberg raises the packet and pours the vitamin all over her mouth.]

[Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsberg and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Oh my god. That’s- That’s a packet. [Michael Che laughing] It’s good. It’s good. You got a little– kind of all over. [wiping powder off of Ruth Bader Ginsberg’s face]

Ruth Bader Ginsberg: How dare?

Colin Jost: Alright. Sure. So you have no plans to leave the supreme court>

Ruth Bader Ginsberg: Colin, the bench is now my porch. I’m gonna sit down on it all day and scream, “No, get out of my yard.”

Colin Jost: But come on, realistically, how long do you think you can hold on?

Ruth Bader Ginsberg: Oh, forever, Colin. [Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsberg] I’m eating an apple a day to keep Ben Carson away. And by apple, I mean pure human growth hormone. And if that doesn’t work, I’ve hidden horcruxes in all the taverns in the DC metro area.

[Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsberg and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Now, people are also worried about all these people Trump is choosing for his cabinet. You know, Newt Gingrich, Steve Bannon, Rudy Giuliani.

[Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsberg]

Ruth Bader Ginsberg: No! Stop it. Too much, Colin. Is that ghoul Giuliani really gonna be our attorney general? Although, if I wanna live forever, maybe I should just let him bite me. Speaking of biting me, Giuliani, you just got Ginsburned!

[Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsberg and Colin Jost. Music playing and Ruth Bader Ginsberg is dancing.]

Colin Jost: Crazy on emergency right now. Now, what do you think Trump does next?

Ruth Bader Ginsberg: Oh, whatever he wants. [Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsberg] Thanks to half the country that didn’t even vote. You know, I regretted my comments about Colin Kaepernick. Then this week, he said he didn’t vote. So, I guess this guy takes a knee on everything. And that’s a hot Ginsburn!

[Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsberg and Colin Jost. Music playing and Ruth Bader Ginsberg is dancing.]

Colin Jost: Oh god! You know, there are some people like Michael Moore too who say that Trump might get impeached before his four years are even over.

[Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsberg]

Ruth Bader Ginsberg: Oh, great! And then we’ll get Pence. ‘The gay people can’t get a pizza’ guy. Awesome. Even though, I’m sorry, to me he kind of looks like the neighbor who kisses Kevin Spacey in ‘American Beauty.’ Hey, Mike Pence, sorry you looked at Magnum PI once and got a quarter chub and you’e been haunted by it ever since. And that’s a gay Ginsburn!

[Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsberg and Colin Jost. Music playing and Ruth Bader Ginsberg is dancing.]

Colin Jost: Justice!

Ruth Bader Ginsberg: It might not be just emergency.

Colin Jost: Um, is there anything that can be done, do you think?

[Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsberg]

Ruth Bader Ginsberg: Yeah, yeah. Of course. Obama can confirm Merrick Garland tomorrow. And that way, I can finally leave DC, get this little beach house in Aruba I’ve had my eye on. Um! I just need the hermit crab inside it to die and I’m in, baby! And that’s not a Ginsburn. That’s a sunburn.

[Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsberg and Colin Jost. Music playing and Ruth Bader Ginsberg is dancing.]

Colin Jost: Wow. Ruth Bader Ginsberg, everyone.

Michael Che: For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.