Weekend Update Sturdy Barbie


Barb… Kate McKinnon

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: This week Mattel introduced more realistic body types for Barbie. But here’s one that didn’t make the cut, Sturdy Barbie.

[Barb slides in]

Barb: [talking with accent] Come on. Come on. I’m a grown woman. Call me Sturdy Barb. How the hell are you, Mike?

Michael Che: I’m good, Barb. How are you feeling?

Barb: You know, I am disappointed. I mean these new gals, they’re nice and all but they’re not exactly a revolution. I mean, look at them.

[Cut to Barb. There’s a picture of Tall barbie at right top corner.]

This one’s tall and dundy.

[Picture changes to Petite barbie]

This one’s short and dundy. And only thing curvy on this girl is [Picture changes to Curvy barbie] her booty. Me on the other hand, I’m a little more new. I don’t know. Maybe people aren’t ready for that.

[Cut to Barb and Michael Che]

Michael Che: How are people not ready?

Barb: You know, I went through rounds of testing and kids were saying like, [Cut to Barb] “Her feet can only fit in crocs.” “Is that a faded tattoo or a boxed removal?” You know, and the biggest complaint, “Most of her breast is nipple.” But other than that, I’m just like the other gals. I got the whole line. I got a dream house. I got a dream car. And yeah, it is a ranch style home in an unpopular school district. And yeah, it is an old Mitsubishi Galant but I own them both at right, fully paid off. And thank you so much. And no, I’m not playing astronaut. I’m not playing veterinarian. I am for real, clock and sixty hours a week behind the Los Vegas desk at Balmore International Airport. And this year I got dental and vision. The only thing I don’t have is, you know, can that tuck me in at night.

[Cut to Barb and Michael Che]

Michael Che: No, but I’m sure you’ll find somebody.

Barb: Oh, I got somebody. [Cut to Barb] I am deep into a thing with an incarcerated vice principal named Alan who was in the wrong place at the wrong time.

[Cut to Barb and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Yeah. I’m sure he was. So, Barb, do you think Mattel will ever choose you as a new barbie?

Barb: You know, my gut says I was on shortlist. [Cut to Barb] Maybe next go round, I’ll lose some accessories, the sleep apnea machine, binder fold coupons, outdoor cat with heart problems, and sure, I may not be Malibu Barbie, but I am Trying My Best barbie. I’m Been Through A Lot barbie. I’m a barbie that will help you move a couch. I am Sturdy Barbie and I am gonna get on the shelf.

[Cut to Barb and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Sturdy Barbie, everybody.

Barb: My breast is almost whole nipple, though.

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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