Colin Jost
Denise McDonough… Tina Fey
Doreen Troilo.. Jimmy Fallon
[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]
Colin Jost: As poll numbers in swing states remain close, they are speculating that this election could be decided by the female voters of suburban, Philadelphia. Please welcome two undecided voters from Clifton Heights, Pennsylvania, Denise McDonough and Doreen Troilo.
[Denise McDonough and Doreen Troilo slide in]
[cheers and applause]
Doreen Troilo: Hi, Colin.
Denise McDonough: Hi, Colin Jost. Hi, Che.
Colin Jost: Hi there.
Doreen Troilo: We brought you some hogies. [passes the hogies to Colin]
Colin Jost: Oh, my god! It’s a hogie. Thank you so much. Thank you. So, ladies, how dies it feel to be the most saw after voters of the country right now.
[Cut to Denise McDonough and Doreen Troilo]
Denise McDonough: I think it’s fun.
Doreen Troilo: I love it.
Colin Jost: And have you decided who you’re gonna vote for?
[Cut to Denise McDonough, Doreen Troilo and Colin Jost]
Denise McDonough: Colin, I’m torn from a scooter accident, but I also don’t know whom to vote for.
[Cut to Denise McDonough and Doreen Troilo]
Doreen Troilo: Yeah, me neither. I don’t know. I think they’re both bad.
Denise McDonough: Whatever. You love Trump.
Doreen Troilo: I don’t love Trump.
Denise McDonough: Yeah, well stop acting like you do. Everyone thinks you love Trump. You’re always like, “Oh, his hair is real, you know?”
Doreen Troilo: I said it one time. Get off my bra strap, please. I don’t like Trump. I don’t like he– I don’t like that he called Alicia Machado fat.
Denise McDonough: Ah! I know, right? It’s like, does this guy have mirrors in his house? He looks like someone opened a case to pick the chicken out.
[Cut to Denise McDonough, Doreen Troilo and Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: And what do you guys think of Secretary Clinton?
Denise McDonough: Hah!
[Cut to Denise McDonough and Doreen Troilo]
Doreen Troilo: Undecided, yeah.
Colin Jost: Really?
Doreen Troilo: She lied about her emails. She lied about Benghazi. She pretended to be surprised on Steve Harvey. She also called people a basket of diplorables. And that’s not a phrase.
Denise McDonough: Here’s my call. Hillary’s husband cheated on her and I don’t like the way she handled it.
[Cut to Denise McDonough, Doreen Troilo and Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: Wait, you think it was not feminist of her to sort of discredit Jennifer Flowers like that?
[Cut to Denise McDonough and Doreen Troilo]
Denise McDonough: What? No. I don’t like that she didn’t finish the job. That girl has been banging your husband for 12years, at very least you gotta cut off her ponytail.
Doreen Troilo: Yeah. Very minimum, you cut the ponytail.
Denise McDonough: Gotta go through the tail. When a girl so much–
Doreen Troilo: Cut the ponytail hard.
Denise McDonough: Colin, right?
[Cut to Denise McDonough, Doreen Troilo and Colin Jost]
Doreen Troilo: Colin Jost, we brought you some hogies. [Colin Jost laughing] I apologize. I’ve been on vacation to my accent.
[Cut to Denise McDonough and Doreen Troilo]
Denise McDonough: Once a year, she goes to Jamaica. He accent’s gone.
Colin Jost: Oh, yeah. Okay, yeah.
Denise McDonough: Colin Jost, when a girl so much is flirting with my husband, I released mice into the drop ceiling of her pizza place.
[Cut to Denise McDonough and Doreen Troilo]
Doreen Troilo: This one’s not playing games.
Colin Jost: No. She’s not. [Cut to Denise McDonough, Doreen Troilo and Colin Jost] Now, how do you feel about these shocking revelations where Donald Trump said when you’re a star, you can do anything to women.
[Cut to Denise McDonough and Doreen Troilo]
Denise McDonough: Ah!
Doreen Troilo: I get it.
Denise McDonough: It doesn’t bother me.
[Cut to Denise McDonough, Doreen Troilo and Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: What? I thought you guys would be mad about that one.
Denise McDonough: No. [Cut to Denise McDonough and Doreen Troilo] When you’re a big star like that, the rules are different. Like, if you’ve ever been to the Philadelphia mummers parade on New Years, have you ever been to that Colin Jost?
[Cut to Denise McDonough, Doreen Troilo and Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: No, I have not.
Denise McDonough: Oh, you should go. It’s terrible. [Cut to Denise McDonough and Doreen Troilo] Anyways, a lot of the guys in the clown brigade are already drunk. And you’re like, sometimes they might honk your boob on the way down the street and like– I think Trump is just kind of like that.
[Cut to Denise McDonough, Doreen Troilo and Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: So, he’s like a drunk clown on the street?
Denise McDonough: Yeah, like that.
[Cut to Denise McDonough and Doreen Troilo]
Doreen Troilo: Men are always gonna be gross. You remember when you and me and Patrice punched our way to the front row of the Hooter’s concert at the Mad Music Center?
Denise McDonough: Yes.
Doreen Troilo: The guy blows keyboard pulled me up on my perm and went to town on me like I was his mouth piano.
[Cut to Denise McDonough, Doreen Troilo and Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: I think it’s called the melodica.
Doreen Troilo: But it’s also called two free t-shirts and a ride home. So, don’t judge me. It was like, four years ago.
[Cut to Denise McDonough and Doreen Troilo]
Denise McDonough: You know, of all of them the one that I think is secretly the biggest jackass, Mike Pence.
Doreen Troilo: You don’t like Pence? He seems like the normal one.
Denise McDonough: Umm-umm. He seems normal coz he’s next to Trump. He’s really beef from back to the future. You know he backed that law in Indiana saying like, if your’e real Jesusy, you can refuse to sell pizza to gay people. First of all Indiana, no one wants your garbage pizza.
Doreen Troilo: You know that crust with no tweakiness.
Denise McDonough: Also, it’s 2016. Like, what old white man thinks he’s still in charge of gays and women? It’s like if I want to feel like it’s the 50s again, I’ll put on my pink lady’s jacket from the party that we had for your 40th.
Doreen Troilo: Party that we had for my 40th.
Denise McDonough: So fun.
Doreen Troilo: So fun. It was so fun.
Denise McDonough: And I’ll start a conversation with my grandpa, Colin Jost, who is deep in throws of dementia.
[Cut to Denise McDonough, Doreen Troilo and Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: Oh, sorry.
Doreen Troilo: This is why I can’t decide. I’m paralyzed Colin Jost. We brought you hogies. We brought you hogies.
Colin Jost: [laughing] Thank you for the hogies. Are you going to watch the debate tomorrow night?
Doreen Troilo: Yeah, I’ll probably put on after Halloween Wars.
[Cut to Denise McDonough and Doreen Troilo]
Denise McDonough: Oh, that show is my favorite. They do pumpkins and candy.
Doreen Troilo: They do chocolate work and bacon in pumpkins. They all work together to make something really creepy.
Denise McDonough: Why can’t our country be like Halloween Wars? We are creepier together.
[Cut to Denise McDonough, Doreen Troilo and Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: Wait, so you’re voting for Hillary.
Denise McDonough: Umm..
Doreen Troilo: Probably right in the haters.
Colin Jost: Two undecided voters from suburban, Philadelphia, everyone.
Michael Che: For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.
Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.
