Willie… Kenan Thompson
Michael Che
[Starts with Michael Che in his set]
Michael Che: Next week is memorial day weekend, which means summer is right around the corner. And I for one is not excited about it but here to cheer me up is the most optimistic guy I know, my neighbor willie.
[Willie slides in]
Willie: Hey, Michael. Ay, happy summer time everybody. Boy, I can’t wait to just sit outside and stare directly to that hot summer son. [Cut to Willie] Or take a ride in the back of a pickup truck, sack over my head, wrist tied together, pee running down my legs, pee dripping down my chin.
[Cut to Michael Che and Willie]
Michael Che: What the hell are you describing, man?
Willie: Summer time, Michael.
Michael Che: No, you’re not.
Willie: Makes me feel like a kid again. Boy I get so excited whenever I saw the ice-cream truck, or the candy van.
Michael Che: What’s the candy van?
Willie: Oh…. nice try, Michael! [Cut to Willie] But everybody knows you’re not supposed to tell what happens in the candy van. What you trying to do? Get me spanked and tickled by old man cut in half?
[Cut to Michael Che and Willie]
Michael Che: Jesus, Willie.
Willie: What about all the outdoor concerts, Michael? [cut to Willie] You know, I remember one summer my daddy took me to see little Richard. He said, “Son, that’s the architect of rock and roll. It’s the devil’s music and I’m gonna kill him.”
[Cut to Michael Che and Willie]
Michael Che: That sounds horrible, man.
Willie: You know, back in those days, we weren’t allowed to go to the city pool. But we made due. [Cut to Willie] Sometimes the local firemen would come down and open the hydrant. Then they detach a hose and sprayed the hell out of us.
[Cut to Michael Che and Willie]
Michael Che: These are terrible memories, Willie.
Willie: But all lives matter, Michael.
Michael Che: What?
Willie: Don’t you love summer baseball, Michael? [Cut to Willie] Every summer, my whole family would go down to AYBS field to watch the Brooklyn Dodges and throw rocks at the opposing team. But it’s like my grandma always used to say, “Stop aiming at Jackie Robinson, Willie!”
[Cut to Michael Che and Willie]
Michael Che: Willie, this is not cheering me up.
Willie: You know who really loved summer time?
Michael Che: No.
Willie: My old dog Lucias
Michael Che: Okay.
[Cut to Willie]
Willie: Oh, he used to love to go for a drive. I could leave him for the car for hours. Windows rolled up. His tongue all out-banded. Nose just dry as a bone. It’s like they always say, “Get out of the candy van, your dog is cooking, Willie!”
[Cut to Michael Che and Willie]
Michael Che: Willie, everybody.
Willie: Happy summer, everyone.
Michael Che: For Weekend Update,I’m Michael Che.
Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Have a great summer. Goodnight.
[The End]
