Winthrop… Kyle Mooney
Mason… Bobby Moynihan
Aidy Bryant
Cecily Strong
Kenan Thompson
Sasheer Zamata
Kate McKinnon
Mikey Day
Lin-Manuel Miranda
Sally… Melissa Villaseñor
Pete Davidson
[Starts with The Music Man intro]
Announcer: You’re watching The Music Man on Turner Classis Movies. So either you’re an old woman or a young gay man.
[Cut to Winthrop running to Mason and Aidy]
Winthrop: Mason! Mason!
Mason: Why, hello there Winthrop.
Winthrop: [speaking while spitting everywhere] When do you think us kids are going to receive our musical instruments?
Aidy: Oh, I guess Winthrop still working on that lisp.
[Cut to Winthrop getting angry]
Winthrop: Say it to my face, bitch!
Mason: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! [Cut to all] Okay, easy Winthrop. I think everyone’s just a little excited about these instruments. [bell ringing] Oh, and listen that could be them arriving right now.
[Cut to Cecily dancing and singing]
Cecily: Oho, the Wells Fargo Wagon is coming down the street
[Cut to Kenan and Sasheer walking in]
Kenan: Oh, please let it be for me
Sasheer: Oh, oh, oh, Well’s Fargo Wagon is coming down the street
[Cut to Cecily]
Cecily: I wish, I wish I knew what it could be
[Kate walks in]
Kate: I got a box of sugar on my birthday
Aidy: In March I got a grey macintos
[Cut to 8, Kenan and Sasheer]
Mikey: And once I got some great fruits from Tampa
All: Oho, the Wells Fargo Wagon is coming down the street
Oh please let it be for me
[Cut to Winthrop]
Winthrop: It could be something for someone who is no relation
[Cut to all]
All: Or it could be something very, very special now just for me
[The wagon arrives and everyone is excited.]
Lin-Manuel: Well, hello River city.
Winthrop: Our instruments.
Sally: Do you have my clarinet?
Pete: Yeah, what about my flute or whatever?
[Cut to Lin-Manuel]
Lin-Manuel: Wells Fargo’s got something even better than instruments. They’re called bank accounts. And I’m giving everyone at least three of them.
Pete: Yeah! Wait, what?
Lin-Manuel: That’s right. Everyone gets a bank account. What’s your name son?
Winthrop: Winthrop.
Lin-Manuel: Okay, what’s your name?
Sally: Sally.
Lin-Manuel: I’ve got an accounted for you, Sally. And for your dog.
[Cut to Mason and Aidy]
Mason: Um, sir, I don’t think these children or their dogs need bank accounts.
[Cut to Lin-Manuel]
Lin-Manuel: Oh, sure they do. In fact this whole town needs bank account. Like you sir, and you ma’am, and this skinny gentleman over here.
[He’s pointing at the mailbox]
Kate: That’s a mailbox!
[Cut to the children and Lin-Manuel]
Pete: Why are you doing this, sir?
Lin-Manuel: Do you know what a code is kid? A code is a target I need to hit or I’m a dead man. So, what do you say? Do you want to kill me? Or do you want to shut up and get a credit card?
[Cut to the children]
Winthrop: But sir, you’re threatening customers. Isn’t that fraud?
[Cut to Lin-Manuel]
Lin-Manuel: Is it little frog? No, it’s a credit card.
[Cut to Winthrop]
Winthrop: I said fraud. I think you heard me say frog.
[Cut to Lin-Manuel looking around]
Lin-Manuel: Everybody hates this kid, right?
[Cut to Mason and Aidy]
Aidy: Well, I think the boy is right.
[Kenan walks in]
Kenan: Yes, if Wells Fargo keeps doing this, they’re going to get in trouble, trouble, trouble, trouble with the camp–
[Lin-Manuel slaps Kenan]
Lin-Manuel: Can you shut the hell up? You don’t understand the pressure I’m in. These Wells Fargo are jackals. As the matter of fact, they took my daughter.
[Cut to Mason and Aidy]
Mason: No, they didn’t.
[Cut to Lin-Manuel]
Lin-Manuel: Okay, you got me. Sales technique. But come on. You got to help me out on this. If I have to face my boss tomorrow with nothing, I shall poopie my pants.
[Winthrop approaches Lin-Manuel]
Winthrop: Hey, Mr., I’ll take one bank account please.
Lin-Manuel: Wow, I was all wrong about you kid. You’re a real pal. That’s why I’m also gonna give you something called an exploding mortgage. That sounds pretty cool, huh?
Winthrop: It sure does. [spitting on Lin-Manuel]
Lin-Manuel: You gotta learn how to talk man. I’m like, drenched.
[music playing]
Winthrop: It could be something for someone with no relation
Lin-Manuel: Or it could be…
All: Yes, it could be, yes you’re right, it sure could be
Lin-Manuel: Oh, and on the way in I ran over three kids.
All: Just for me.
Winthrop: Wells Fargo, sorry.
