Barbara DeDrew… Kate McKinnon
Furonica… Kristen Wiig[Starts with Barbara and Furonica in their ad set]
Barbara and Furonica: Cats.
Barbara: A cat is a friend with fur.
Furonica: A cat is a pillow that hugs you back.
Barbara: Cats are the croutons on the salad of life.
Furonica: A cat is an angel that poops in a box.
Barbara: So come on down for our thanksgiving catacopia giveaway.
Barbara and Furonica: Here at Whiskers R’ We.
Barbara: Hi. I’m Barbara.
Furonica: And I am Furonica. Like, Veronica, but how a cat would say it.
Barbara: You are loca, muchacha.
Furonica: Many of these rescued cats come from owners who didn’t value their specialness.
Barbara: So, let’s take a look at today’s Felina.[Barbara shows out a cat]
Alan is a Himalayan and you can find him-a-laying on the couch.
Furonica: You used to do stand-ups. You’re a regular Kat Williams. For you, American Idol fans, we call this cat– [shows out a cat] This is Simon Cowell.
Barbara: Because he is a grumpy British short hair and he knocked up his best friend’s wife.
Furonica: The heart wants what it wants.[Furonica starts touching Barbara]
Barbara: Hands to ourselves, please. We are on camera. Oh boy, [shows out another cat] this is Cassandra. Cassandra kind of flips the script on you, meaning, when she farts it sounds human and you’ll get blamed.
Furonica: Farts are funny.
Barbara: How old are you again?
Furonica: I don’t know. We lost check of time in the bunker.
Barbara: Ai-yai-yai. I do have a type. Okay, where are we. This one is Carl. [showing out another cat]
Furonica: We’re mad at Carl right now because he has been very naughty. He clawed up my sofa and then he voted for Jill Stein. [touches the cat] A little ass-whipping! He deserves a pinch. [Furonica starts pinching Barbara’s breast softly]
Barbara: That is my nipple and I think you know that.
Furonica: I think I know you like it.
Barbara: Oh, boy.
Furonica: [showing out another cat] This is Butternut. Butternut is a master of psychological manipulation who specializes in gas lighting.
Barbara: Does he ever. He convinced me I was the cat. It started with an innocent suggestion, but to two months later and I’m eating tuna and licking my own butt-hole.
Furonica: A.k.a., the greatest week of my life.
Barbara: Oh! Keep it in your jorts, gf! Okay. [showing another cat] This is Pearl. Pearl is as white as a ghost because she is one. She died in the Barbara940s but she is sticking around because she has unfinished business.
Furonica: If she appears in your mirror, it’s over. [showing another cat] This is Dizzy. Dizzy is into S AND M. Saucers of milk.
Barbara: And also, peeing on her partner during sex. And this last cat is named Mr. Majestical.
‘Cats’ the musical is back and in the timeless words of Andrew Lloyd Webber, this guy’s not part of it. He’s just a crazy person.
Furonica: You can currently see him on Broadway in the role of man screaming in front of the Billabong store.[Mr. Majestical walks out]
Barbara: So, come on down to Whiskers R’ We. The adoption process is simple.
Furonica: We put cats in your car when you’re not looking
Barbara: So, come on down …
Barbara and Furonica: To Whiskers R’ We.
Female voice: Whiskers R’ We thanksgiving catacopia. See you there.