Barbara DeDrew… Kate McKinnon
Furonica… Kristen Wiig
[Starts with Barbara and Furonica in their ad set]
Barbara and Furonica: Cats.
Barbara: A cat is a friend with fur.
Furonica: A cat is a pillow that hugs you back.
Barbara: Cats are the croutons on the salad of life.
Furonica: A cat is an angel that poops in a box.
Barbara: So come on down for our thanksgiving catacopia giveaway.
Barbara and Furonica: Here at Whiskers R’ We.
Barbara: Hi. I’m Barbara.
Furonica: And I am Furonica. Like, Veronica, but how a cat would say it.
Barbara: You are loca, muchacha.
Furonica: Many of these rescued cats come from owners who didn’t value their specialness.
Barbara: So, let’s take a look at today’s Felina.
[Barbara shows out a cat]
Alan is a Himalayan and you can find him-a-laying on the couch.
[Barbara and Furonica laughing looking at each other.]
Furonica: You used to do stand-ups. You’re a regular Kat Williams. For you, American Idol fans, we call this cat– [shows out a cat] This is Simon Cowell.
Barbara: Because he is a grumpy British short hair and he knocked up his best friend’s wife.
Furonica: The heart wants what it wants.
[Furonica starts touching Barbara]
Barbara: Hands to ourselves, please. We are on camera. Oh boy, [shows out another cat] this is Cassandra. Cassandra kind of flips the script on you, meaning, when she farts it sounds human and you’ll get blamed.
Furonica: Farts are funny.
Barbara: How old are you again?
Furonica: I don’t know. We lost check of time in the bunker.
Barbara: Ai-yai-yai. I do have a type. Okay, where are we. This one is Carl. [showing out another cat]
Furonica: We’re mad at Carl right now because he has been very naughty. He clawed up my sofa and then he voted for Jill Stein. [touches the cat] A little ass-whipping! He deserves a pinch. [Furonica starts pinching Barbara’s breast softly]
Barbara: That is my nipple and I think you know that.
Furonica: I think I know you like it.
Barbara: Oh, boy.
Furonica: [showing out another cat] This is Butternut. Butternut is a master of psychological manipulation who specializes in gas lighting.
Barbara: Does he ever. He convinced me I was the cat. It started with an innocent suggestion, but to two months later and I’m eating tuna and licking my own butt-hole.
Furonica: A.k.a., the greatest week of my life.
Barbara: Oh! Keep it in your jorts, gf! Okay. [showing another cat] This is Pearl. Pearl is as white as a ghost because she is one. She died in the Barbara940s but she is sticking around because she has unfinished business.
Furonica: If she appears in your mirror, it’s over. [showing another cat] This is Dizzy. Dizzy is into S AND M. Saucers of milk.
Barbara: And also, peeing on her partner during sex. And this last cat is named Mr. Majestical.
[Mr. Majestical walks in and is dancing]
‘Cats’ the musical is back and in the timeless words of Andrew Lloyd Webber, this guy’s not part of it. He’s just a crazy person.
Furonica: You can currently see him on Broadway in the role of man screaming in front of the Billabong store.
[Mr. Majestical walks out]
Barbara: So, come on down to Whiskers R’ We. The adoption process is simple.
Furonica: We put cats in your car when you’re not looking
Barbara: So, come on down …
Barbara and Furonica: To Whiskers R’ We.
Female voice: Whiskers R’ We thanksgiving catacopia. See you there.
