Sargent… Lin-Manuel Miranda
Donny… Kenan Thompson
Brooklyn… Pete Davidson
Bobby Moynihan
Beck Bennett
[Starts with A Degree of Valor intro]
Announcer: We now return to the World War II classic, A degree of Valor
[Cut to black and white video of a war]
Sargent: Fall back men, the Germans have us surrounded.
Donny: You got it, sarge.
[Everyone falls back but Brooklyn walks right in.]
Sargent: Brooklyn, I said fall back. That’s forward.
Brooklyn: What?
Sargent: Brooklyn!
[Brooklyn gets hit]
Brooklyn: Ah! Sarge, they got me.
Sargent: Hang on son. We’re gonna get you out of here. [calling for help] Medic!
Brooklyn: No Sarge, it’s too late.
Sargent: Don’t talk like that. You’re gonna be fine.
Brooklyn: No. No. Listen, I gotta ask you for a favor.
Sargent: Sure Brooklyn. What is it?
Brooklyn: When I’m gone, I need you to go to my house and find my girl and tell her that I loved her, even though she was a Sox fan.
Sargent: Okay Brooklyn, I promise I’ll tell her the first chance I get.
Brooklyn: And then once you go and tell her that, make some excuse to go up to my garage.
Sargent: The garage?
Brooklyn: Yeah. There’s something there I need you to find. It’s a– It’s a toy for the butt.
Sargent: A what for the butt?
Brooklyn: Just like a fun thing for the butt.
Sargent: Youre not making any sense, son.
[Cut to Donny and Bobby]
Donny: He’s talking about butt-plug, sir.
Bobby: Yeah, like the ones we saw in Paris. Right?
[Beck walks in]
Beck: Yeah.
Bobby: The pointed ones? Yeah.
[Cut to Sargent and Brooklyn]
Brooklyn: I’d hate for my girlfriend to find it. She just wouldn’t understand.
[Cut to Bobby]
Bobby: Yeah, I get that.
[cut to Sargent and Brooklyn]
Brooklyn: Yeah, and don’t worry, I never used it though. I was too afraid.
Sargent: Okay, I’ll try son. I’ll try.
Brooklyn: Don’t try. Do it. Find my butt plug. Okay? The box has a picture of a man smiling.
Sargent: Okay, I’ll look for that. Now just try to rest. Let’s not talk about any of that anymore.
Brooklyn: Wait. There’s something else I need you to get rid of. It’s a notebook full of boogie woogie songs that I wrote. They’re just too embarrassing.
[Cut to Bobby]
Bobby: I mean, worse than the butt plug?
[Cut to Sargent and Brooklyn]
Brooklyn: Well, one goes like this.
[singing] Hey there Jasmine, spread your jazz
spread it thick as tuna tonight
now we’re eating Jazz
Sargent: Okay Brookly, I’ll destroy it for you.
Brooklyn: Unless you think it is good, then try to publish it.
Sargent: I’ll destroy it for you.
[Cut to Donny]
Donny: Yeah, I don’t know. I think people might dance to that.
[Cut to Sargent and Brooklyn]
Brooklyn: You do? Thanks Donny. I’m gonna miss you the most.
[Cut to Donny]
Donny: Oh, come on! Don’t make me cry now.
[Cut to Sargent and Brooklyn]
Brooklyn: The butt plug is bigger than you’d expect. Just be ready for that.
Sargent: That’s fine. That’s fine.
Brooklyn: It was an ego thing. I just wanted to challenge myself.
Sargent: Okay. How much more life do you have in you do you think?
Brooklyn: [coughing] Enough to ask you one more favor. Get rid of all the photos of me being sassy.
[Cut to Beck]
Beck: Sassy? What’s that?
[Cut to Sargent and Brooklyn]
Brooklyn: You know, sassy. It’s kind of like, being like– [Brooklyn pouts his lips and snaps his fingers and raises his hand] You know, or being like judging some people’s clothes. Or one like this. [Brooklyn pokes his cheek with his finger and pout his lips.]
Sargent: Okay, Brooklyn. Anything else?
[Brooklyn is not moving anymore]
[Cut to everybody. Bobby looks at Brooklyn.]
Bobby: He is dead sir.
Beck: He died as he lived, sassy.
Sargent: Goodbye, Brooklyn. Your soul wasn’t bad.
[singing Brooklyn’s song]Hey there Jasmine, spread your jazz
Everybody: Spread it thick as tuna tonight
now we’re eating Jazz
[Donny stands and dances slowly to the song]
Donny: See I told you you could dance to this.
[Donny gets hit]
Ah! I’m hit!
[The End]
