Alec Baldwin’s 17th Time Monologue

Alec Baldwin

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Alec Baldwin.

[Alec Baldwin walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Alec Baldwin: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. I know you’ve seen a lot of me this season, but tonight I’m hosting and this is my 17th time. Thank you. [cheers and applause] That’s an achievement that only comes if you are a comedy icon like Steve Martin or an enduring character/actor like John Goodman, or if you were lucky enough to be in the car in 1987 when Lorne Michaels ran over a man selling oranges on this side of the highway. But I’m pround to say, 17 is the all-time record.

[Pete Davidson walks in]

Pete: Yeah, nice job, man.

Alec Baldwin: Pete Davidson, everybody! Pete Davidson.

Pete: Congratulations, Alec.

Alec Baldwin: What’s up, Pete?

Pete: That’s an incredible run, man. And it will probably never be topped. I just wanted to come out here and just learn from the best.

Alec Baldwin: Okay, Pete. Thanks. It has been a long journey. The first time I hosted was April 21st, 1990. Here’s me doing my first monologue. [Cut to a picture Alec Baldwin’s first monologue]

Pete: Oh, wow! That’s unbelievable, dude! [Cut to Alec Baldwin and Pete Davidson]

Alec Baldwin: Thank you, Pete.

Pete: No, seriously, I can’t believe that’s you. I mean, you were so handsome. Did everyone look like that back then? Like a young NBA coach?

Alec Baldwin: Ah! No. Not everyone.

Pete: Dude, you were so hot, like, you should have been in movies.

Alec Baldwin: I did do movies.

Pete: Really?

Alec Baldwin: Yeah. I still do them. I’ve got a new movie coming out called, “The Boss Baby.”

Pete: Oh, that’s animation. So, they can’t see you. Very smart.

Alec Baldwin: Pete Davidson, everybody. Thank you. [pushing Pete Davidson away] No, no, look, but I don’t blame you for not knowing about me, Pete. I’m not sure what you were up to the first time I hosted.

Pete: Back in 1990?

Alec Baldwin: Yeah.

Pete: Um, I think I was waiting 3 and half years to be born.

Alec Baldwin: Okay. Let’s keep going. Here is me back in 1996, on the Joe Pesci show. I played Robert De Niro and people still ask me to do that impression.

Pete: You were pretty handsome back then too, bro.

Alec Baldwin: Well, thank you.

Pete: Were you like, so mad when you just stopped looking like that?

Alec Baldwin: Well, at least I got look like that once instead of spending my youth looking like Steve Buscemi’s lesbian sister.

Pete: Yeah, laugh it up. Laugh it up, everyone. I don’t even know who Steve Buscemi is.

Alec Baldwin: Okay, let’s keep going. In 1998, I was Pete Schweddy. Thank you. [cheers and applause] On the delicious dish selling Schweddy balls on the radio on NPR. It was a very popular sketch

Pete: Um, what’s a radio show? Was that like a podcast?

Alec Baldwin: Kind of, Pete. Kind of. Are you really young or just kind of stupid?

Pete: Neither. I’m just like, mad high, bro.

Alec Baldwin: Okay. Let’s keep going. You know what was crazy about that show in 1998? I did a monologue with a young Jimmy Fallon. Jimmy played the ghost of SNL future. Let’s take a look.

[cut to the video clip of young Jimmi Fallon and Alect Baldwin]

Jimmy Fallon: Apparently, I become a huge star in the future. And I host the show in the year 2011. Come see.

[Cut to Alec Baldwin and Pete Davidson]

Alec Baldwin: And guess what? He hosts exactly 13 years later. Isn’t that amazing? Jimmy of course looks much, much younger back then, doesn’t he, Pete?

Pete: Yeah. But like, I can still recognize him today. You know what I mean? But you, it’s like someone soaked you in water for the past 20 years.

Alec Baldwin: Pete Davidson, everybody. Thank you Pete. [pushing Pete Davidson away again]

Pete: Wait, wait, wait. At what point, when you get older does your whole head like, expands? Does that happen to everyone? Is that going to happen to me?

Alec Baldwin: Yes, Pete. And along the way, if you’re lucky, you have an entire career. Here’s a suggestion for you, Pete. Ask me a question after you’ve hosted the show 17 times. Okay?

Pete: I will. But you’ll probably be dead by then.

Alec Baldwin: Ha-ha. Pete, thank you so much for stopping by.

Pete: Alright, listen, I’m leaving, but for real man, I just wanted to come out here so I could be next to the greatest. We’re all so happy that you’re here.

Alec Baldwin: Thank you. You can stay. You can stay.

Pete: Also, I look really hot standing next to you.

Alec Baldwin: Okay. We got a great show. Ed Sheeran is here. Stick around. We will be right back.