Aziz Ansari Stand-Up Monologue


Aziz Ansari

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Aziz Ansari.

[Aziz Ansari walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Aziz Ansari: Thank you. Thank you very much. Wow! I can’t believe this. I’m here hosting Saturday Night Live. Yeah! [in intense voice] The day after Trump’s inauguration. Hmm. Pretty cool to know though, he’s probably at home right now watching a brown guy make fun of him though, right?

[cheers and applause]

Crazy couple of days, man! Yesterday, Trump was inaugurated. Today, an entire gender protested against him. Wow! Everyone should support that. It shows that people care. Very cool. I do think we should be careful though. You know? We can’t demonize everyone that voted for Trump. Some people are like, “Everyone that voted for Trump is a dumb racist, misogynist, homophobe–” Alright, hold on. We are talking about 63 million people. Don’t judge them by their worst. I’m sure there are some people have different political priorities. I’m sure there are some people voted for him with reservations. I’m sure there’s a lot of people that voted for Trump the same way a lot of people listen to the music of Christ Brown. Where it’s like, “Hey, man. I’m just here for the tunes. I’m just here for the tunes. I don’t know about that other stuff. I just like the dancing and the music. I don’t condone the extra curriculars.” If you think about it, Donald Trump is basically the Chris Brown of politics. And ‘Make America Great Again’ is his ‘These Hoes Ain’t Loyal.’

So look, we’re divided. It’s okay. We have always been divided by some of the big political issues. It’s fine. As long as we treat each other with respect and remember that ultimately, we are all Americans, we’ll be fine. But the problem is– [cheers and applause] The problem is there is a new group. I’m talking about this tiny slice of people that have gotten way too fired up about the Trump thing for the wrong reasons. I’m talking about these people that as soon as Trump won, they’re like, [acts shocked] “We don’t have to pretend like we’re not racist anymore. We don’t have to pretend anymore. We can be racist again. Whooo!” Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! No! No! If you’re one of these people, please go back to pretending. You’ve got to go back to pretending. I’m so sorry we never thanked you for your service. We never realized how much effort you were putting into the pretending. But you’ve got to go back to pretending. [cheers and applause] Hey, I know it’s been a rough couple of years. Obama, ‘Empire’, ‘Hamilton.’ It’s just been hit after hit after hit. Star Wars movie is where the only white characters are storm troopers. I get it. It’s been rough. But you got to stop. You know who I”m talking about. There’s like this new lower case KKK movement that’s started. This kind of casual white supremacy. “oh, let me put my foot in the pool and see how cold this water really is.” No! No! I’m talking about these people running around saying stuff like, “Trump won, go back to Africa.” “Trump won, go back to Mexico.” They see me. “Trump won, go back… to where you came from.” Yeah, they’re not usually geography buffs.

[cheers and applause]

Is that the plan, by the way? We’re all gonna move? All the minorities? 40-some percent of the country? Every minority’s gonna move? Beyoncé’s gonna move? Beyoncé ain’t moving. I ain’t moving. Okay? My parents– [applause] My parents moved from India to South Carolina in the early ’80s. They didn’t move until nine years ago. You know where they moved? North Carolina. They love it here. They’re not leaving. [cheers and applause]

Lower case KKK, man! They’re out there. You know? Hate crimes and stuff are on the rise. You know as far as people of my own skin tone, brown people, I think the part of the problem is a lot of these people, they just haven’t interacted with any brown people in normal life. They only people they see are these monsters in the news who are just a drop in the ocean. Maybe what needs to happens when they do the news report, they should do a second report about other brown people up to normal stuff to calm those people down. So, the report’s like, “The suspect is considered armed and dangerous. Not armed and dangerous, these four other Muslim people eating nachos in Chicago. Let’s go to a footage of them. Oh-oh! Looks like Nasir just spilled a little cheese on his khakis. Got a little overambitious with that last dip. We’ve all been there.”

A lot of people are Islamaphobic which doesn’t make sense on paper. Coz, you know, like, god in Islam is the same god that was revealed to Abraham in Judaism or Christianity, same guy. But people are scared. Why? Coz any time they watch movies, TV shows and a character is Arabic where they’re praying or something like that, that’s scary ass music from ‘Homeland’ is underneath it. It’s terrifying. [mimicking the scary music while praying] And people are like, “Ah! What did they say?” Just god is good, normal religions stuff, it’s okay! You wanna end Islamophobia, honestly, just change that music. Like, if the music was different, if it was just like, [mimicking theme music to ‘Benny Hill’ funnily while praying], people would be like, “Man, Islam is one whimsical religion, isn’t it?”

[cheers and applause]

I think Trump should make a speech, a real speech denouncing the lower case KKK. Don’t tweet about me being lame or the show. Write a speech. A real speech coz these people are out there and it’s pissing a lot of people off. And I think you can make a difference coz other presidents have done things like this and it has helped. Hate crimes and stuffs went down. George Bush– George W. Bush made a speech after 9/Aziz AnsariAziz Ansari. And it really helped. Things changed. This is what he said in the speech and I’m paraphrasing slightly. He said, “Islam is peace. The perpetrators of these attacks, they don’t represent Islam. They represent war and violence. Our enemies are not our muslim brothers and sisters. Our enemies are network of radical terrorists.” And everyone applauded. Republicans, democrats, didn’t matter. Coz it was not about politics. It was about basic human decency and remembering why the country was founded in the first place. And I’m sitting there and I’m watching the speech. What the hell has happened? I’m sitting here wistfully watching old George W. Bush speeches? Just saying, “What a leader he was?” 16 years ago, I was certain this dude was a dildo. Now I’m sitting there like, “He guided us with his eloquence!

[cheers and applause]

I want to leave you guys with a serious thought. I know there are a lot of people that are worried now. It’s a weird time. If you’re excited about Trump, great! He’s president. Let’s hope he does a great job. If you’re scared about Trump and you’re very worried, you’re going to be okay too. Coz if you look at our country’s history, change doesn’t come from presidents. Change comes from large groups of angry people. And if day one is any indication, you are part of the largest group of angry people I have ever see. [cheers and applause] Good luck to you.

We’ve got a great show tonight. Big Sean is here. So stick around and we’ll be right back.

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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