Candis… Aidy Bryant
Noal… Sasheer Zamata
Vanessa Bayer
Terry… Cecily Strong
Jode… Octavia Spencer
Waiter… Alex Moffat
[Starts with four ladies getting seats at a restaurant]Candis: Oh, here’s an open table.
Noal: Perfect!
Vanessa: Let’s get out girl time on. I can only sneak off for two hours.
Terry: Hey, guys, I hope you don’t mind but I invited a new friend that y’all are gonna lose your damn minds over.
Candis: Oh, cool.
Terry: Yeah, yeah. She keeps it real and a hundred. Okay? You guys are gonna love her. Just keep your eyes open for her. She’s black. Oh, there she is. Girl! [calling] Girl, we over here.
[Jode walks in]Jode: Hi. I’m Jode.
Terry: It’s that fierce B I’m telling you about.
Candis: Um, Jode?
Jode: Yeah, Jode. Sorry, I’m late. I was stuck at the CVS waiting for my prescription bra.
Terry: Ah! Prescription bra! Girl! [Terry is only the one who is over-excited] I should have known you’ve already been cracking me up. Didn’t I warn y’all? She’s crazy.
Noal: Okay. Yeah. Well, let’s just order some drinks and then try to figure out all that’s happening with you and her.
Terry: Oh, Jode, you’re ready to get your drink on?
Jode: Hell, yeah.
Candis: Oh, well, there’s out waiter. I’ll call him. Sir!
Terry: Oh, okay. Hot waiter with the beard. Guys, I cannot be responsible for what this B is about to say to this man.
[the waiter walks in]Waiter: Ladies, welcome to Bar Centrale. I’m Nelson. How can I be of service tonight?
Terry: Oh, okay, Jode is about to slay. I know that look. You need to watch. You need to watch and learn.
Jode: Um, can I get a two liters of diet right. And can you let me know when the ladies’ room is completely empty? And then, when I go in there, would you put the ‘out of order’ sign on the door?
Terry: Word!
Waiter: Um, I’m gonna have to check my manager, but I will see what I can do for you. And the rest of you ladies, do you want some drinks?
Candis: Um, yeah. Can we just have a bottle of riesling?
Waiter: Absolutely.
Vanessa: So, Jode, what do you do?
Terry: Oh, besides giving zero f’s.
Jode: Um, I kill bugs for Orkin.
Terry: What? Girl. You are cracking me up talking about Orkin.
Candis: Um, Terry, I think that’s just where she works.
Terry: Candis, girl, jealous is not pretty on you. You know what I’m saying, Jode?
Jode: I got jealous once of my uncle’s haircut and I didn’t speak to him for a month. And then I realized I could get the same haircut, and I did. It’s this one on my head.
Terry: Now, that’s the damn truth. Right? Look at Noal all like, “The thirst is real?”
Noal: What? Jode, you seem nice. And I don’t mean to be rude, but Terry, I’m wondering if you’re putting things on this relationship that just aren’t there.
Terry: What?
Candis: Yeah, Terry. I think you got embarrassed about not knowing that February is Black History Month, and now you’re doing this.
Terry: Oh my–! Okay, are you even–! Jode, I’m sorry. We need to go dance because I am being trolled by these damn trolls.
Jode: Wait, Terry, were you using me to impress your friends?
Terry: Okay. [music playing in the background] Maybe it started that way. But the two days I’ve spent with you have really been special to me. And I really hope you’ll still consider being my friend, because you know how to have a damn good time.
Jode: You know what? I was using you too to impress my friends. And they think the crazy way you talk is funny. You sound like a teenager in a potato chips commercial.
Terry: Aw, girl. We played each other. But ended up BFFs.
Jode: Now, let’s show these bitches what true friendship is. [to waiter] Sir!
Waiter: Yes?
Jode: Can you play Mumbo Number Five by Lou Bega?
Waiter: For a couple of real friends who just taught us a lesson, of course.
[music playing] [Terry and Jode start dancing]Noal: I guess we weren’t being very fair. They really are good friends.
Candis: Yeah. And look, Jode backed that waiter!
[Jode and Waiter are dancing and Terry is cheering for them]Terry: Whoo! Get it girl! Right? Jode for the win. Candis, I know you’re watching this.
