Beard Hunk

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Nick… Beck Bennett

Raquel… Cecily Strong

Vanessa Bayer

Ashley… Felicity Jones

Kate McKinnon

Aidy Bryant

[Starts with Beard Hunk intro]

Male voice: One hunk with a sculpted beard. 25 beautiful adjacent ladies. Who will he choose to be his bride? It all happens tonight on ‘Beard Hunk.’

[Cut to Nick’s intro video]

Nick: Hi, I’m Nick, and this season there’s gonna be a lot of drama. a lot of excitement and as always, minimal Asians. I can’t wait.

[Cut to Nick and Raquel sitting on a park bench]

Raquel: Mmm, I like this.

Nick: So, tell me about yourself.

Raquel: Well, my name is Raquel. I’m 24 but my face is 36. And I’m the worst girl in any room I’m in.

Nick: I like that.

Raquel: Also, i’m a business owner.

Nick: What kind of business?

Raquel: Okay, I’m not.

[Vanessa walks in]

Vanessa: Sorry, can I steal him for a sec?

[Raquel walks out and Vanessa sits beside Nick]

Mmm, I like this.

Nick: So, tell me about yourself.

Vanessa: Well, my name is whatever. Also, all of the girls here, I have the most abrupt ombre. And I’m looking for a husband even though I’m not old enough to vote.

Nick: How old are you?

Vanessa: 26.

Nick: That is old enough to vote.

Vanessa: Oh well.

[Ashley walks in]

Ashley: Sorry, can I steal him for a sec?

[Vanessa walks out and Ashley sits beside Nick]

Mmm, I like this.

Nick: So, tell me about yourself.

Ashley: My name is Ally and I was born in Ashley. Sorry, my name is Ashley and I was born in an alley.

Nick: I like that.

Ashley: Also I have a twin sister and this is really hard to tell you, but she’s sick… of the way I treat her.

[Kate walks in]

Kate: Sorry, can I steal him for a sec?

[Ashley walks out and Kate sits beside Nick]

Mmm, I like this. I’ve been waiting to talk to you all night. Cuz it’s 5:30 in the morning.

Nick: So, when was your last relationship?

Kate: Um, well, I was married last year.

Nick: Oh, really?

Kate: Yes. To you.

Nick: Oh, right. Hi.

[Aidy walks in]

Aidy: Sorry. Can I steal him for a sec?

[Kate walks out. Aidy sits beside Nick.]

Mmm, I like this.

Nick: So, tell me about yourself.

Aidy: Well, I am a veterinarian. So, I love animals. But I’m also a very sexual person, so I’d love to jack you off whenever you want.

Nick: I’d like that.

Aidy: And here’s another little secret about me. I don’t have a gag reflex.

Nick: That’s hot.

Aidy: Yeah. But I do have four very sharp teeth.

[Ashley walks in]

Ashley: Can I steal him for a sec?

[Aidy walks out. Ashley sits beside Nick]

I’m so lucky to be here. In fact, I’m lucky to be alive at all. I was born eight months early. I was in an incubator for five years. The doctors spent millions of dollars to keep me alive and I survived.

Nick: Wow. What do you do now?

Ashley: I promote ice tea on Instagram.

[Aidy walks in]

Aidy: Sorry, Can I steal him for a sec?

[Ashley walks out. Aidy sits beside Nick]

Nick, I want to tell you something. I have a daughter. She’s 3 and she’s my best friend in the world.

Nick: Where is she right now?

Aidy: Um, I think like the neighbor’s or something. But she’s always with me because I have this drawing of us. [showing a kid’s drawing]

Nick: Aw, she’s a good artist.

Aidy: Oh, no, I did this.

[Kate walks in]

Kate: Sorry, can I steal him for a sec?

[Aidy walks out. Kate sits beside Nick.]

Hi, I missed you.

Nick: Thanks. So, tell me about yourself.

Kate: Well, I’m a judge… mental bitch. And for my job, I work at Hooter’s.

Nick: Wow. That’s hot.

Kate: Yeah, it’s so hot coz I work in the kitchen.

[Aidy walks in]

Aidy: Can I steal him for a sec?

[Kate walks out. Aidy sits beside Nick.]

Mmm, it feels so safe right now.

Nick: So, tell me more about yourself.

Aidy: Well, my favorite animal is a frog. Because I love the water and my eye color is green. And I do pee and poop out of the same hole.

[Ashley walks in]

Ashley: Can I steal him for a sec?

[Aidy walks out. Ashley sits beside Nick.

Nick, I’ve been lying to you and I need to come clean. I have five STDs.

Nick: That’s okay. I don’t mind.

Ashley: Also, I didn’t bring a bikini. I only brought a one piece.

Nick: I’ll walk you out.

[Cut to the show outro]

Male voice: We’ll be right back with more ‘Beard Hunk.’]

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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