Nick… Beck Bennett
Raquel… Cecily Strong
Vanessa Bayer
Ashley… Felicity Jones
Kate McKinnon
Aidy Bryant
[Starts with Beard Hunk intro]Male voice: One hunk with a sculpted beard. 25 beautiful adjacent ladies. Who will he choose to be his bride? It all happens tonight on ‘Beard Hunk.’
[Cut to Nick’s intro video]Nick: Hi, I’m Nick, and this season there’s gonna be a lot of drama. a lot of excitement and as always, minimal Asians. I can’t wait.
[Cut to Nick and Raquel sitting on a park bench]Raquel: Mmm, I like this.
Nick: So, tell me about yourself.
Raquel: Well, my name is Raquel. I’m 24 but my face is 36. And I’m the worst girl in any room I’m in.
Nick: I like that.
Raquel: Also, i’m a business owner.
Nick: What kind of business?
Raquel: Okay, I’m not.
Vanessa: Sorry, can I steal him for a sec?
[Raquel walks out and Vanessa sits beside Nick]Mmm, I like this.
Nick: So, tell me about yourself.
Vanessa: Well, my name is whatever. Also, all of the girls here, I have the most abrupt ombre. And I’m looking for a husband even though I’m not old enough to vote.
Nick: How old are you?
Vanessa: 26.
Nick: That is old enough to vote.
Vanessa: Oh well.
[Ashley walks in]Ashley: Sorry, can I steal him for a sec?
[Vanessa walks out and Ashley sits beside Nick]Mmm, I like this.
Nick: So, tell me about yourself.
Ashley: My name is Ally and I was born in Ashley. Sorry, my name is Ashley and I was born in an alley.
Nick: I like that.
Ashley: Also I have a twin sister and this is really hard to tell you, but she’s sick… of the way I treat her.
[Kate walks in]Kate: Sorry, can I steal him for a sec?
[Ashley walks out and Kate sits beside Nick]Mmm, I like this. I’ve been waiting to talk to you all night. Cuz it’s 5:30 in the morning.
Nick: So, when was your last relationship?
Kate: Um, well, I was married last year.
Nick: Oh, really?
Kate: Yes. To you.
Nick: Oh, right. Hi.
Aidy: Sorry. Can I steal him for a sec?
[Kate walks out. Aidy sits beside Nick.]Mmm, I like this.
Nick: So, tell me about yourself.
Aidy: Well, I am a veterinarian. So, I love animals. But I’m also a very sexual person, so I’d love to jack you off whenever you want.
Nick: I’d like that.
Aidy: And here’s another little secret about me. I don’t have a gag reflex.
Nick: That’s hot.
Aidy: Yeah. But I do have four very sharp teeth.
[Ashley walks in]Ashley: Can I steal him for a sec?
[Aidy walks out. Ashley sits beside Nick]I’m so lucky to be here. In fact, I’m lucky to be alive at all. I was born eight months early. I was in an incubator for five years. The doctors spent millions of dollars to keep me alive and I survived.
Nick: Wow. What do you do now?
Ashley: I promote ice tea on Instagram.
[Aidy walks in]Aidy: Sorry, Can I steal him for a sec?
[Ashley walks out. Aidy sits beside Nick]Nick, I want to tell you something. I have a daughter. She’s 3 and she’s my best friend in the world.
Nick: Where is she right now?
Aidy: Um, I think like the neighbor’s or something. But she’s always with me because I have this drawing of us. [showing a kid’s drawing]
Nick: Aw, she’s a good artist.
Aidy: Oh, no, I did this.
[Kate walks in]Kate: Sorry, can I steal him for a sec?
[Aidy walks out. Kate sits beside Nick.]Hi, I missed you.
Nick: Thanks. So, tell me about yourself.
Kate: Well, I’m a judge… mental bitch. And for my job, I work at Hooter’s.
Nick: Wow. That’s hot.
Kate: Yeah, it’s so hot coz I work in the kitchen.
[Aidy walks in]Aidy: Can I steal him for a sec?
[Kate walks out. Aidy sits beside Nick.]Mmm, it feels so safe right now.
Nick: So, tell me more about yourself.
Aidy: Well, my favorite animal is a frog. Because I love the water and my eye color is green. And I do pee and poop out of the same hole.
[Ashley walks in]Ashley: Can I steal him for a sec?
[Aidy walks out. Ashley sits beside Nick.Nick, I’ve been lying to you and I need to come clean. I have five STDs.
Nick: That’s okay. I don’t mind.
Ashley: Also, I didn’t bring a bikini. I only brought a one piece.
Nick: I’ll walk you out.
[Cut to the show outro]Male voice: We’ll be right back with more ‘Beard Hunk.’]
