Beat the Bookworm

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Bookworm… Aziz Ansari

Keaton Seasons… Mikey Day

Cindy… Vanessa Bayer

[Starts with GSN show schedule]

Female voice: Now back to ‘Beat the Bookworm’, only on Game Show Network.

[Cut to Bookworm in a library]

Bookworm: Can you beat me in the game of wiz?

Male voice: Declared a genius at birth, he spent his life in pursuit of knowledge.

Bookworm: While you were watching TV, I was reading thousands of books. I know all.

Male voice: Can you ‘Beat the Bookworm’?

[Cut to Keaton Seasons and Cindy at the game stage]

Keaton Seasons: Alright, welcome to ‘Beat the Bookworm’. I’m Keaton Seasons and I am joined by Cindy, a–

Cindy: Unemployed.

Keaton Seasons: From Phoenix, who just as we ran out of time yesterday won over $32,000, and a chance to go head to head with the bookworm.

[The wall rotates and there’s Bookworm sitting there.]

Bookworm: Hello, idiots.

Keaton Seasons: Bookworm, any words for Cindy before we play?

Bookworm: Um, yes, I will win.

Keaton Seasons: Ha-ha. Oh-oh, you hear that Cindy?

Cindy: I’m not scared. I’m gonna beat that damn bookworm.

Keaton Seasons: Don’t say ‘damn’, please. Now, let’s play. You know how it works, Cindy. You and the bookworm will answer a series of questions from a category of your choice. If you score higher than the bookworm, you’ll leave here with $1 million. But if you don’t–

Bookworm: You’ll leave here with what you are, nothing.

Keaton Seasons: Cindy, will the bookworm be answering questions about Shakespeare’s Comedies?

Bookworm: Oh, the Bard of Avon. I am partially Parkish as I may be, the bookworm does love that category.

Keaton Seasons: The space Race.

Bookworm: Um, who would be the first to touch the cosmos? The Starjen Shives or the Hamaran Sikil? Pick this category and USSR going to lose.

Keaton Seasons: ’90s Pop Culture.

Bookworm: Noooo!

Keaton Seasons: Alright, Cindy, which category do you think will beat the bookworm.

Cindy: Um, I’m leaning towards ’90s Pop Culture because of that long “Noooo!” Then again, I did study Shakespeare in college.

Bookworm: Um, so? Shakespeare it is.

Cindy: But then again, I am a ’90s kid, so let’s go with ’90s Pop Culture.

Bookworm: Noooo! I don’t know any of that stuff. I spent the ’90s reading books.

Keaton Seasons: Let’s play. Beat the Bookworm. [Bookworm looks nervous] Bookworm, your time begins now. Name the Super Bother’s Mario and–

Bookworm: Kevin?

[wrong answer buzzer]

Keaton Seasons: MC Hammer was too legit to–

Bookworm: Drive?

[wrong answer buzzer]

Keaton Seasons: Terminator 2 lined all be–

Bookworm: Back in the Jeff?

[wrong answer buzzer]

None of this was in my books.

Keaton Seasons: Finish the TLC lyric, don’t go chasing–

Bookworm: Dogs.

[wrong answer buzzer]

Keaton Seasons: Forest Gump said, “Life is like a box of–”

Bookworm: Condoms?

[wrong answer buzzer]

Oh! I’m gonna lose.

Keaton Seasons: Michael Jackson was king of–

Bookworm: The Jews.

Keaton Seasons: No, that was Jesus Christ. Last question, name the science guy–

Bookworm: Ah, yes! I know them all.

Keaton Seasons: –who hosted a kid’s TV show.

Bookworm: Who is that? He is not a real scientist!

[Time up buzzer]

Keaton Seasons: Out of time! Wow! Cindy, a lucky break in the form of an absolute cratering on behalf of the bookworm. How do you feel?

Cindy: Damn good.

Keaton Seasons: You said ‘damn’ again. Coming up, Cindy goes for the million and bookworm, since you scored zero, you gotta wear the dum-dum hat.

Bookworm: Not the dum-dum hat! Please!

[Keaton Seasons puts a cone hat with ‘Dum-Dum’ written on Bookworm]

Keaton Seasons: We’ll be right back.

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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