Aziz Ansari

Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with Aziz and Melissa getting in bed]

Aziz: Hey, baby. You’re looking good.

Melissa: What? Oh, yeah. It’s Sunday night. That’s when we have sex.

Aziz: Well, you know, don’t say it like that like it’s a hair appointment or something.

Melissa: No, I’m pumped for it. I promise. Let’s start.

[Melissa tries to cuddle]

Aziz: Well, hold on, hold on. Now, I was thinking maybe we could do something fun tonight. Try and spice things up a bit. What do you think about a little dirty talk?

Melissa: Oh, yeah, that’s hot.

Aziz: What’s up, you dirty girl?

Melissa: Yeah. What’s up you freaking alcoholic?

Aziz: Okay. Well, you know, babe, let’s not bring up my old demons, you know? I’m a little sensitive about that. How about this? Just be like, a little mean to me.

Melissa: Okay. What’s up, bitch? I make more money than you.

Aziz: Okay. Well, that’s kind of another sore spot for me. You know? Let’s keep it simple. How about you just call me daddy?

Melissa: Okay.

[Aziz and Melissa starts cuddling]

Aziz: Um, you like that?

Melissa: OH, yeah, dad. Do me, dad.

Aziz: Okay. One second. Maybe don’t say ‘dad’. Coz dad, it just sounds like you’re talking about your real dad. Like, your biological dad. Maybe we need a little structure. A little role playing.

Melissa: Umm.

Aziz: Here, I’ll lead us off. [Aziz and Melissa start cuddling] Well, hello, young lady. Are you here after class for some extra tutoring?

Melissa: Oh, yeah, I am. Because I have a learning disability. When I read, the words all fall out of order.

Aziz: Okay baby, you know, the thing is that’s just kind of sad. How about, um… [Aziz and Melissa start cuddling] you know, why you’re here in the principal’s office?

Melissa: Coz I brought a gun to school.

Aziz: Okay. You don’t have a gun, babe. I think– [Aziz and Melissa start cuddling] I think you’re here because you have been dressing like a slut. Now give me one reason I shouldn’t kick you out of school.

Melissa: Because I want to do you.

Aziz: Oh, you are bad.

Melissa: Yeah. I’m the baddest girl on 6th grade.

Aziz: No, no, no, no, no. You can’t be in the 6th grade because– general rule, alright? Dirty talk, you’re 18, alright? Keep it legal.

Melissa: Oh, okay. But I read at 6th grade because of my learning disability.

Aziz: No, let’s move on from that, okay? Let’s keep it simple and fun, alright? Let’s start with a voice, okay? [Aziz and Melissa start cuddling] Hi. [Australian accent] I’m Liam. I’m a surfer from Australia. You wanna see my didgeridoo?

Melissa: [making voice] Oh, yeah. Show it to me, wow.

Aziz: Oh yeah? What’s your name?

Melissa: Owen Wilson, baby. [She actually looks like Owen Wilson when she talks like that]

Aziz: Not Owen Wilson. You’re not– I’m not– You’re not Owen Wilson. I mean, no disrespect. I mean ‘Shanghai Nights’ all day. But you gotta do a lady’s voice.

Melissa: Am, Wanda Sykes? [speaking like Wanda Sykes] You wanna get nasty with Wands Sykes, baby? Yeah.

Aziz: Isn’t she a lesbian?

Melissa: Oh, yeah.

Aziz: It’s kind of hot!

Melissa: [speaking like Wanda Sykes] Oh yeah!

[Aziz and Melissa get under the blanket]

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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