Captain Shadow and the Cardinal


Captain Shadow… Kevin Hart

Cardinal… Chris Redd

Police officers… Alex Moffat, Kenan Thompson

[Starts with a group of robbers robbing a bank’s vault. They’re wearing clown masks.]

Captain Shadow: Hey, fellas!

[ Suddenly two vigilante superheroes come in and beat up all the robbers] [Cut to Captain Shadow and Cardinal inside their Shadow mobile. They’re wearing masks, superhero costumes and are driving really fast.]

Cardinal: [his hands doing karate moves] Oh, we did it, Captain Shadow.

Captain Shadow: But the Killer Clown is still eluded us once again. Let’s hurry back to the shadow cave and inspect this mysterious clue he left behind.

Cardinal: [his hands doing karate moves] That sick bastard will never go away with whatever he’s planning. Thanks to us.

Captain Shadow: Don’t get too cocky, Cardinal. The Killer Clown is still– [police siren] Ah! God dammit! It’s the cops.

[Captain Shadow pulls over.]

Alex: [on speaker] Turn off the engine.

Cardinal: They probably just wanna thank us.

Captain Shadow: Yeah, I bet. Look, just be cool and let me do all the talking, okay?

[Alex walks out of his vehicle and approaches Captain Shadow]

Cardinal: Okay. I won’t say a word.

Alex: Good morning, fellas.

Cardinal: Good morning.

Captain Shadow: Uh, hello officer.

Alex: Nice masks. What are you guys? Coming from a party or something?

Captain Shadow: No, sir.

Cardinal: [his hands doing karate moves] But I guess you can say we busted one up, right Captain Shadow?

Captain Shadow: Shut up, Cardinal.

Cardinal: Okay.

Alex: Any idea how fast you were going?

Captain Shadow: Uh, I mean, I’m really not sure. 65? 70 maybe?

Alex: Collect you guys at 140.

Captain Shadow: Oh.

Alex: Yeah. License and registration, please sir.

Captain Shadow: It’s me. It’s Captain Shadow. This is my trustee sidekick Cardinal.

Cardinal: [his hands doing karate moves] The dynamite two-some. At your service.

Captain Shadow: Hey Cardinal, will you just shut up?

Alex: Okay. I see you’re rappers or something. I still need to see your ID.

Captain Shadow: No. We’re not rappers. And my identity is a secret. So…

Alex: Ah! A secret?

Captain Shadow: Yeah. I’m a crime fighter.

Cardinal: [his hands doing karate moves] You really don’t recognize us?

Alex: [to Cardinal] How old are you?

Cardinal: [his hands doing karate moves] 16.

Alex: Is that your son?

Cardinal: [his hands doing karate moves] No. But we live together in the cave.

Alex: Okay. Out of the car. Let’s go.

Captain Shadow: [getting out of the car] Cardinal, that’s gonna be your biggest setback. You don’t listen.

Alex: Well, do you need help? Get out.

Captain Shadow: Alright.

Alex: Been drinking today?

Captain Shadow: Uh, no sir.

Cardinal: [his hands doing karate moves] Captain Shadow would never drink.

Captain Shadow: Hey!

Alex: Uh-huh. Pretty sweet ride you got. You got fire coming out of the exhaust. I don’t see a license plate on this thing.

Captain Shadow: Yeah. Well, of course, not. It’s the shadow mobile. Alright? I made this car myself.

Cardinal: [his hands doing karate moves] Yeah. Coz he’s a genius.

Alex: Ay, was I talking to you?

Cardinal: No. But he is.

Alex: [to Captain Shadow] Okay. Hands on the hood.

Captain Shadow: Okay. I really don’t think–

Alex: Let’s go. Common. [Alex starts searching Captain Shadow’s body] Alright. Do you have anything that will stick me?

Captain Shadow: Probably.

Alex: Any weapons or gun?

Cardinal: [his hands doing karate moves] Captain Shadow would never use guns. Coz guns are for cowards. Right, Captain Shadow?

Captain Shadow: Will you shut up, Cardinal?

Cardinal: Sure.

Alex: [looking at Captain Shadow’s belt] What is this?

Captain Shadow: It’s my utility belt.

Alex: Yeah. What’s on it?

Captain Shadow: I don’t know. Smoke bomb, gadgets, it’s a lot of–

Alex: Uh-huh.

[Alex takes the belt off of Captain Shadow]

Captain Shadow: This isn’t really necessary. Just call commissioner Morgan. He knows who I am.

Alex: Yeah. teneightyfive, I’m gonna need a car.

Captain Shadow: Dammit! Dammit! Dammit! Any time a black man wants to do something good for his community, we gotta go through something like this. Every time.

[Alex shows a small packet of cocaine]

Alex: What’s this?

Captain Shadow: What’s what?

Alex: This bag. What’s in it?

Captain Shadow: That’s um– That’s dust. That’s energy dust.

Alex: Oh yeah? Looks little bit like cocaine.

Cardinal: [his hands doing karate moves] Oh please!

Captain Shadow: What? It’s not cocaine. It’s like cocaine but it’s different. It’s–

Cardinal: [his hands doing karate moves] He just needs it for energy and courage.

Captain Shadow: Shut your trap.

[Kenan walks in]

Kenan: Alright, what seems to be the problem here? Hey, Captain Shadow? What’s going on, my brother? [takes the packet] What’s this right here? [tastes it] Oh, that’s cocaine.

Captain Shadow: Well, it’s not mine. It’s not mine.

Alex: You said it was your energy dust.

Captain Shadow: Did I say that? But it’s not mine. I probably confiscated it and just forgot about it. Left it in the belt after taking it.

Kenan: Alright, let’s go ahead and get you in some cuffs, buddy.

Captain Shadow: No. We don’t need those.

Kenan: Thank you very much.

Cardinal: [his hands doing karate moves] Oh, no! Captain Shadow. What should I do?

Captain Shadow: Call my lady. Tell her they got me again, Cardinal.

Cardinal: Okay.

[Cardinal runs in the streets wearing his superhero costume.] [Cut to the newspaper with front page article ‘Capt Bust for the Dust.]

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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