Chance-giving monologue


Chance the Rapper

Kate McKinnon

Cecily Strong

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Chance The Rapper.

[Chance The Rapper walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Chance The Rapper: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I am so happy to be here hosting SNL. I’ve been here before as a musical guest, but this is the first time I’ve had to like, talk and stuff. So, we’ll see how it goes. I don’t have anything to promote tonight. The only thing I’m here to celebrate is thanksgiving. And in that spirit, in that spirit of giving, I pledge to give $1 million to Chicago’s public schools. Thank you. Thank you. The only problem is, I talked to my accountant and I do not have it. So, I need to make some money very fast. But then I realized there’s no good thanksgiving songs. And you can make some serious cash off a holiday hit. Mariah Carey is at that tree lighting every year singing ‘All I want for Christmas is you’. And it’s not coz she loves giant trees. It’s coz she loves having a third assistant whose only job is to yell at her second assistant. [music playing] So, tonight, I want to become the Mariah Carey of thanksgiving. And I want my song to honor what’s truly special about this holiday, how it’s the one time a year you invite all of your relatives to dinner, even the ones you can’t stand. So to all you outcasts and wierdos in the family, this one’s for you.

[singing] It’s thanksgiving time
the one day a year
when you invite the folks
that you normally fear
it’s thanksgiving time
when you are forced to see
every single bad apple
on your whole family tree

[Kate and Cecily walk in dancing]

Kate and Cecily: [singing] Yeah, you are technically related
but they don’t share you dreams

Chance The Rapper: They’re your cousin in laws
whatever that means

Kate and Cecily: They won’t be at your wedding
you don’t know their full name

Chance The Rapper: One is a failed magician
and the other’s just insane

[Kate and Cecily walk out]

It’s thanksgiving time
no one said it would be fun

[Leslie walks in with a bag, and shows Chance The Rapper a handgun]

like when your aunt Shavonne
showed you a gun

your niece is gonna cry
about how no one is woke
and that’s the exact time
your uncle decides to tell a Cosby joke

It’s thanksgiving time
so say goodbye to all the rules
your uncle brought his oxygen
and he’s chain smoking kools

[Kate and Cecily walk in dancing]

All: It’s thanksgiving time
they’re a total train wreck
but on this day
they gone get our respect

[Kate and Cecily walk out]

Chance The Rapper: And of course, we can’t forget the real heroes of thanksgiving , the turkeys. Can I get an amen?

[Cut to turkeys wearing priest robes]

Turkies: Amen.

Chance The Rapper: I said, can I get an amen?

Turkies: Amen.

Chance The Rapper: Can I get a drum-stick?

Turkies: Hell, no!

[Cut to Chance The Rapper]

Chance The Rapper: I tried. Come on.

[Kate and Cecily walk in dancing]

All: It’s thanksgiving time
and we’re all on one side
except for the turkeys
who are all gonna die

[Kate and Cecily walk away]

Chance The Rapper: It’s thanksgiving time
get out the carving knife
your uncle showed up with a woman
who is not his wife

And I apologize
for causing such a fuss
because now all your relatives are gonna say,
“Is that song about us?”

And you can tell them
you can tell them

[SNL cast joins Chance The Rapper on the stage]

All: It’s thanks giving time
it’s only one day a year
so just drink the red wine

and eight to ten beers.

and let everyone
and you crazy aunt to see
Chance The Rapper: Coz it’s stuffing and loving and cousins and ovens and belt notch and Justin.

All: It’s thanksgiving time.

[Music stops] [cheers and applause]

Chance The Rapper: we’ve got a great show for you tonight. Eminem is here. So, stick around. We’ll be right back.

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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