Chance the Rapper
Kate McKinnon
Cecily Strong
[Starts with SNL monologue intro]
[Cut to SNL stage]
[Band is playing music]
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Chance The Rapper.
[Chance The Rapper walks in and to the stage]
[cheers and applause]
Chance The Rapper: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I am so happy to be here hosting SNL. I’ve been here before as a musical guest, but this is the first time I’ve had to like, talk and stuff. So, we’ll see how it goes. I don’t have anything to promote tonight. The only thing I’m here to celebrate is thanksgiving. And in that spirit, in that spirit of giving, I pledge to give $1 million to Chicago’s public schools. Thank you. Thank you. The only problem is, I talked to my accountant and I do not have it. So, I need to make some money very fast. But then I realized there’s no good thanksgiving songs. And you can make some serious cash off a holiday hit. Mariah Carey is at that tree lighting every year singing ‘All I want for Christmas is you’. And it’s not coz she loves giant trees. It’s coz she loves having a third assistant whose only job is to yell at her second assistant. [music playing] So, tonight, I want to become the Mariah Carey of thanksgiving. And I want my song to honor what’s truly special about this holiday, how it’s the one time a year you invite all of your relatives to dinner, even the ones you can’t stand. So to all you outcasts and wierdos in the family, this one’s for you.
[singing] It’s thanksgiving time
the one day a year
when you invite the folks
that you normally fear
it’s thanksgiving time
when you are forced to see
every single bad apple
on your whole family tree
[Kate and Cecily walk in dancing]
Kate and Cecily: [singing] Yeah, you are technically related
but they don’t share you dreams
Chance The Rapper: They’re your cousin in laws
whatever that means
Kate and Cecily: They won’t be at your wedding
you don’t know their full name
Chance The Rapper: One is a failed magician
and the other’s just insane
[Kate and Cecily walk out]
It’s thanksgiving time
no one said it would be fun
[Leslie walks in with a bag, and shows Chance The Rapper a handgun]
like when your aunt Shavonne
showed you a gun
your niece is gonna cry
about how no one is woke
and that’s the exact time
your uncle decides to tell a Cosby joke
It’s thanksgiving time
so say goodbye to all the rules
your uncle brought his oxygen
and he’s chain smoking kools
[Kate and Cecily walk in dancing]
All: It’s thanksgiving time
they’re a total train wreck
but on this day
they gone get our respect
[Kate and Cecily walk out]
Chance The Rapper: And of course, we can’t forget the real heroes of thanksgiving , the turkeys. Can I get an amen?
[Cut to turkeys wearing priest robes]
Turkies: Amen.
Chance The Rapper: I said, can I get an amen?
Turkies: Amen.
Chance The Rapper: Can I get a drum-stick?
Turkies: Hell, no!
[Cut to Chance The Rapper]
Chance The Rapper: I tried. Come on.
[Kate and Cecily walk in dancing]
All: It’s thanksgiving time
and we’re all on one side
except for the turkeys
who are all gonna die
[Kate and Cecily walk away]
Chance The Rapper: It’s thanksgiving time
get out the carving knife
your uncle showed up with a woman
who is not his wife
And I apologize
for causing such a fuss
because now all your relatives are gonna say,
“Is that song about us?”
And you can tell them
you can tell them
[SNL cast joins Chance The Rapper on the stage]
All: It’s thanks giving time
it’s only one day a year
so just drink the red wine
and eight to ten beers.
and let everyone
and you crazy aunt to see
Chance The Rapper: Coz it’s stuffing and loving and cousins and ovens and belt notch and Justin.
All: It’s thanksgiving time.
[Music stops]
[cheers and applause]
Chance The Rapper: we’ve got a great show for you tonight. Eminem is here. So, stick around. We’ll be right back.
