Chris Pine Monologue


Chris Pine

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Chris Pine.

[Chris Pine walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Chris Pine: Thank you everybody. I am absolutely thrilled to be here. This is my first time hosting SNL. [cheers and applause] I appreciate it. I was here once before actually. I did a walk on during Weekend Update when the first Star Trek movie came out. You know, Lorne was impressed that I did such a good job. I could come back eight years later. As many of you know, I have a movie coming out this weekend. It’s called Guardians of the Galaxy.

[cheers and applause]

See? You see?

[audience laughing]

I knew that was gonna happen. I’m not in Guardians of the Galaxy. That’s Chris Pratt. I am Chris Pine. Look, Leslie knows who I am. Leslie, can you help me out?

[Leslie Jones walks in] [cheers and applause]

Now, Leslie has seen all of my movies. Tell them who I am, Leslie.

Leslie: You Captain America, Chris Evans.

Chris Pine: I’m Chris Pine.

Leslie: Hemsworth.

Chris Pine: No, I’m–

Leslie: Pine! That’s good enough. Come on. [Leslie takes a selfie with Chris Pine] Thank you, Thor.

Chris Pine: No, it’s not- not- not Thor.

[Leslie walks out]

Thank you, Leslie.

Okay, you know what? I’m gonna settle this once and for all right now. Will you bring out the poster I shipped in?

[Someone brings in the poster. There are pictures of Chris Evans, Chris Hemsworth, Chris Pratt and Chris Pine.]

I had a small feeling this might happen. I just want to clear things up for everybody here and at home. Chris Evans, right? Chris Hemsworth. Chris Pratt. [pointing at himself] Chris Pine. Hit it guys.

[music playing] [singing] I’m not that Chris
I look just like him but I’m not that Chris.
not Pratt or Hemsworth, I’m a different guy
not Evans either, look I’ve got my own cool vibe

We’re all white guys but these aren’t the white guys I am
I’m six feet tall and Chris Evans…

Chris Evans is six feet as well.

[Kate McKinnon walks in]

Kate: Chris, oh my god. Hello.

Chris Pine: Kate! Kate!

Kate: Yes!

Chris Pine: You know who I am! Right?

Kate: Yes, of course. You’re Chris Pine, man!

Chris Pine: Yes!

Kate: [looking at the note she has written on her hand] You’re in Star Trek. And um… [peeks at her hand again] Wonder Woman.

Chris Pine: Exactly. I just don’t understand how people confuse us.

Kate: Well, I think– you know what? I think it’s because you’re all named Chris, and you’re all kind of scruffy and squinty and jacked, but in a sweet way.

Chris Pine: Thank you.

Kate: Is this set to “Up town girl”?

Chris Pine: Yes! Yes, it is! [Chris Pine pushes Kate McKinnon away] [singing] Different Chris
The only one with finger prints like this
you might have have a good eyes
but look real close coz I’m a different guy

[Kate McKinnon walks in again]

Kate: I thought of another way that all the Chris’s are the same.

Chris Pine: Uh-huh. Yeah.

Kate: You’re always at the airport wearing ta raggedy t’s that are tight just around the packs. And you have bracelets with like wooden beads from Bali or wherever.

Chris Pine: I have one but it is from Hawaii. Thank you so much.

[Chris Pine pushes Kate McKinnon out again] [Pete Davidson bring in a poster with Chris Evans and Chris Pine’s picture.] [singing] Uptown girl

See, Chris Evan’s character is Steve Rogers, right? And in Wonder Woman, I play Steve Trevor. Right? Completely different Steve played different Chris altogether.

Pete: [pointing at Chris Evans] Are you this one?

Chris Pine: Hey! [pointing at his poster] That’s my face, man!

Pete: Nah! I think that’s Ryan Reynolds.

[Pete Davidson walks out with the poster]

Chris Pine: [singing] ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah

I’m Chris Pine!


I’m Chris Pine!

Hey! Alright! We’ve got a great show. LCD Soundsystem is here. So, stick around, we’ll be right back.

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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