Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin
Sherry Dillon… Cecily Strong
Eric… Alex Moffat
Donald Trump Jr. … Mikey Day
Vladimi Putin… Beck Bennett
Steve Harvey… Kenan Thompson[Starts with a message video]
Male voice: The following is a rebroadcast of Donald Trump’s first press conference as President-Elect.[Cut to Donald Trump on his press conference]
Donald Trump: Hello. Thank you for coming. I’d like to start by answering the question that’s on everyone’s mind. Yes, this is real life. This is really happening. On January 28th, I Donald J. Trump will become the 45th president of the United States, and then two months later Mike Pence will become the 46th. I am so excited to live in the White House. I’m even gonna have a little pet like all the presidents do. Bill Clinton had Sox, Barack Obama had Bow and I’ll have Paul Ryan. I mean I’m not gay but I cannot wait to give it to that man for four years. Hey guys, who is excited for my inauguration day?[cheers and applause]
Yes, thank you to those people over there who I definitely did not pay to do that. And we have got some of the biggest performers of the world lined up. Hold on to your tits and bits because we have got Three Doors Down. Also from America’s Got Talent, we’ve got Jackie what’s her face. Beast of all, we’ve got the One Rockette with the least money in her savings. We’ve also got some huge A list actors coming like, Angelina Jolie, Ryan Gosling and Jennifer Lawrence. They’ll all be at my inauguration, courtesy of Madame Tussauds.
Now, as you all know, this is my first press conference in six months. There’s so much to talk about. I’m bringing jobs back. I’m picking the best cabinet. So, go ahead, ask me anything. Yes, you.[Cut to Pere]
Pete: Hey, ABC news. I’d like to ask you about your big Russian pee-pee party.[Cut to Donald Trump]
Donald Trump: No. No. I am not talking about the pee-pee because because it didn’t happen and it wasn’t as cool as it sounds. Next question.[Cut to Vanessa]
Vanessa: Yes. Justice Scalia’s death has left a vacancy on the supreme court. Many are wondering about your timeline for replacement. So I guess my question is, did you guys like all pee or just watch them pee?[Cut to Donald Trump]
Donald Trump: Guys. No, no, I do not want to talk about the pee-pee. I want to talk about what is really important which is jobs, because I am going to bring back a thick stream of jobs back to this country. The biggest, strongest, steadiest stream you’ve ever seen. This country will be literally showered with jobs. Because I am a major wiz at jobs. It will be a golden opportunity for me as a president to make a big splash. Now, who’s with me? I know you’re in. How about you? You’re in? You’re in? You’re in? You’re in? [sounds like ‘urine’] Okay. Next question.[Cut to Sasheer]
Sasheer: Yes, Mr. Trump, you and the republicans want to repeal Obamacare, but why would you do that before coming up with a replacement plan?
Donald Trump: Because Obamacare is a disaster and I actually do have a replacement plan, okay? I just read about it this week. It’s a terrific plan, just great. It’s called the Affordable Care Act.[Cut to Sasheer]
Sasheer: That’s the same thing as Obamacare. And if you repeal it, 20 million people will lose their health insurance. I mean, people could die.[Cut to Donald Trump]
Donald Trump: Listen, sweetheart, I’m about to be president. We’re all going to die. Next question.[Cut to Melissa]
Melissa: Yes. Mr. Trump, many people are concerned about all your business conflicts. Have you taken the proper steps to divest from your companies?[Cut to Donald Trump]
Donald Trump: Yes, I have. I’ve turned over all my businesses to my two sons, Beavis and Butthead. They’re here today. Come and get a shot of them.
Look at those two little American psychos. You can tell they’re good businessmen because of how licked back their hair is. Explain how it will work, boys.
Donald Trump Jr.: I’ll be in charge of the day to day operations as well as overseeing all new deals moving forward.
Eric: And I’m Eric.[Cut to Donald Trump]
Donald Trump: Thanks boys. I know some of you think I”m not really divesting from my companies and it’s all a big scam. Here with actual proof of my tax lawyer.[Cut to Donald Trump’s tax lawyer. She is standing behind a table that has a lot of paper works on it.]
Sherry Dillon: Hello, yes, my name is Sherry Dillon. I’m his lawyer. And this right here are the papers to prove Mr. Trump is really divesting. I mean, look at all these papers. If he wasn’t divesting, how could there be so many dang papers? This paper’s here. This paper’s here. It’s like, “Help, help, lifeguard, I’m practically drowning in papers.” Still don’t believe me? I’ll read every paper out loud right now. Starting with this one, oh that’s right, they’re fake.
Donald Trump: God, I’m loving this press conference. Love the press. I respect the press. Let’s take another question from press.[Cut to Kyle]
Kyle: Hi. Yeah, I’m from Buzzfeed, and–[Cut to Donald Trump]
Donald Trump: [interrupting] No, no, no, no. Not you, Buzzfeed. You’re a failing pile of garbage and you wanna know why? Because I took your quiz yesterday. I’ll tel you right now, I”m not a Joey, I am a Rachel. Who else has a question? I love the press.[Cut to Jim Acosta]
Jim Acosta: Um, Yes. Jim Acosta, CNN.[Cut to Donald Trump]
Donald Trump: No, not CNN either. You’re overrated. Fake news. I tried to watch your network last night and it was just some crazy blonde woman sprouting lies.
Jim Acosta: That was Kellyanne Conway.[Cut to Donald Trump]
Donald Trump: Oh, right. God, I love Kellyanne. Everyday it looks like she does the ice bucket challenge with her make up. Next question.[Cut to Kate]
Kate: Hi. Yes, Dr. Ben Carson’s confirmation hearing this week has characterized as shanky. Are you sure he’s qualified for this cabinet position?[Cut to Donald Trump]
Donald Trump: Let me tell you something. Ben Carson is great. He’s going to be the best brain surgeon to ever run the housing department.If he has any trouble, I just appointed someone yesterday to help him out. This man is an African American icon who has done so much for our country.[Cut to Kate]
Kate: Oh, is it congressman John Lewis? that man is a hero.[Cut to Donald Trump]
Donald Trump: No. I got someone even better. Steve Harvey.[Steve Harvey walks in]
Steve Harvey: Ha-ha-ha. Yeah, that’s right. It’s me Steve Harvey. Yeah, I do government now. Does this bode well for our country? Survey says! [wrong answer buzzer] [Steve Harvey walks out]
Donald Trump: thank you, Steve. Let’s take another question.[Cut to Aidy]
Aidy: Hello, Mr. Trump. The intelligence community has said definitively that Russia hacked the election. Why won’t you say one the records that you agree with them?[Cut to Donald Trump]
Donald Trump: I will. I’m happy to say that.[Cut to Aidy]
Aidy: Then do it. Say Russia hacked the election.[Cut to Donald Trump]
Donald Trump: [gibberish] [Cut to Aidy]
Aidy: I’m sorry I couldn’t hear you. A little louder please.[Cut to Donald Trump]
Donald Trump: [gibberish] [Cut to Aidy]
Aidy: A little louder please.[Cut to Donald Trump]
Donald Trump: Okay, fine! Russia hacked the election. are you happy, mom? Next question. Yes, you sir.[Cut to Vladimir Putin]
Vladimir Putin: Yes, hello. I am American Journalist Wolf Blitzer. Are you sure Russia was behind hacking?[Cut to Donald Trump]
Donald Trump: I mean, maybe.[Cut to Vladimir Putin]
Vladimir Putin: But are you really, really sure? [showing Donald Trump pee-pee party video tape] [Cut to Donald Trump]
Donald Trump: It was China. I mean Canada. It was Meryl Streep. Okay. This press converence is over. Thank you all for peeing here– I mean, for pissing here– I mean being here. And Life from New York, it’s Saturday Night.