Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin
Mike Pence… Beck Bennett[Starts with a group of people waiting for a speech]
Male voice: And now, please welcome the president of the United States, Donald J. Trump.[Donald Trump walks in]
Donald Trump: Thank you. Thank you, people of her-ass-burg, Pennsylvania. It’s great to be here with all you truck drivers tonight. Love the truckers. We have so much in common, and not just because all the blood in our bodies pools in our legs and our butts. It’s been a big week, folks. We are getting rid of everything Obama did, health care, the Iran deal. And we are ripping out all these vegetables in Michelle Obama’s garden and planting McNuggets. McNuggets. Love the McNuggets. Coz, we love America, don’t we? That’s why, I had Mike Pence go to the colts game on Sunday. And when those players knelt during the anthem, I told him to get the hell out of there. Don’t worry. We are taking Mike partnership’s season tickets and donating them to two lucky fans in Puerto Rico. They just have to fly themselves to Indiana and book their own hotel. Because at some point, they have to start doing things for themselves, okay? I have actually got Mike standing by right now at the Indiana Pacer’s game. Mike, are you there?[Cut to Mike Pence in the audience of Indiana Pacer’s game]
Mike Pence: Yes. Hello, Mr. President. Mother and I are here. We just watched the pacers cheer leaders perform a dance routine and I was very into it on a technical level.[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Mike Pence]
Donald Trump: And what about the anthem?
Mike Pence: Oh, it’s starting now.[National anthem playing]
Donald Trump: What are the players doing? Are they acting like little SOBs?
Mike Pence: No. They seem to be respectful. Wait, one of them is kneeling.
Donald Trump: Get out of there, Mike. Bail. Ditch it. Haul ass, Mike.[Mike Pence and his mother rushes out] [Cut to Donald Trump]
Donald Trump: Mike bailed. Big time. But that’s not why I’m here today. Today is about unveiling a magnificent tax plan. We’re gonna give you people back a lot of cash. That’s all I’m focused on. But also, what about Bob Corker? Little liddle Bob Corker. Corker is so small, you know, some politicians wanna be on the quarter some day. Bob Corker could actually be a quarter. He could take a nap on the quarter, okay? I mean, he is extremely small. Bob Corker is basically– and I know I’m not supposed to use this word anymore, but he’s a midget. Okay? Little itty bitty Bob Corker. I mean this guy is so small and I hate doing small jokes. But I have to because I’m the president. This guy is so small–
Audience: How small is he?
Donald Trump: Bob Corker is so small that dermatologist found him on a mole, okay? Very tiny Amigo. And speaking of Amigos, let’s check in again with Mike Pence. Mike, where are you?[Cut to Mike Pence and his mother]
Mike Pence: we are inside the Starbucks, Mr. President.[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Mike Pence]
Donald Trump: Mike, I need you to check the cups, okay? Do they say “Happy Holidays” or do they say “Merry Christmas?”
Mike Pence: Sir, it’s October. They wouldn’t have Christmas teamed cups yet.
Donald Trump: They would if they respect America, Mike. The cups would say “Merry Christmas” all year and they would show me and Santa Clause giving all the children coal because coal is the future of this country. Check the cups, Mike, okay?
Mike Pence: The cups say “Pumpkin spice is back”, sir.
Donald Trump: Get out of there right now, Mike. Bail! [Mike Pence and his mother rush out] Get in the private jet. Vamoos! Folks, we’re gonna start saying Merry Christmas again. And you cannot disrespect our lord and savior Santa Clause is like that. But that’s not what I’m here to talk about. As I said, I need to talk about the tax plan and tone tax plan. Because the numbers are amazing. Just amazing. And also, how dumb is that Rex Tillerson, folks? I mean, really. What a dumb dumb dumbarooney. And he has the nerve to call me the moron. Talk about the pot calling the kettle Mexican. I am so much smarter than this guy, Rex. I have a huge IQ. I took a huge IQ test. Let me just assure you, it came back positive. Very positive. Okay? My IQ is through the roof and frankly, through many of the clouds as well, okay? And by the way, I’m the only guy who even knows what IQ means. Most people don’t even know what it stands for. Inquedible. lot of people don’t know that. And speaking of Inquedible people, let’s just check back with Mike. Mike, where are you, buddy?[Cut to Mike Pence and his mother]
Mike Pence: WE are inside the wedding, Mr. President. Everything seems very respectful.[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Mike Pence]
Donald Trump: What do you see, Mike? Walk us through it?
Mike Pence: Okay. I see the groom. He is waiting patiently at the altar. And then I see– Oh, oh! There is another groom.
Donald Trump: get out of there, Mike! Bail! Pitch it! [Mike Pence and his mother run out] I know you hate this word, Mike. Abort, Mike! Abort! Vaminoos! Outrageous! No one should disrespect the sanctity of marriage like that as it says in my favorite verse of the bible, double korenthians, marriage is between a man and a woman. Then another woman. Then another woman. And maybe one more if you’ve got it in you, okay? Well, in conclusion, I think we solved the tax stuff just like we solved Puerto Rico. And finally, this is very important. Eminem apparently didn’t free-style rap on the BET network the other ay. And he rapped some very nasty things about me, and very soon I’m going to release a response rap on the White Entertainment Network, HGTV. So, watch it back, Eminem. And live from New York, it’s Saturday night!