Sean Spicy… Melissa McCarthy
[Starts with a message video]Male voice: And now, a special message from the White House Easter Bunny.
[Cut to kids at the collecting candies. Someone in a bunny costume walks in to the podium.]Bunny: Hey, kids, Happy Easter. [He opens the bunny mask. He is Sean Spicer.] Alright, get out of here. Go! Get out of here. Alright, shut up. Shut up. Oh, push me. I’m sweating my Easter eggs off in this thing. Everybody, shut up so I can apologize. Yes, you all got your wish this week. Didn’t you? Huh? Spicy finally made a mistake. As we all know, president Trump recently bombed Syria… while eating the most beautiful piece of chocolate cake America has ever laid eyes on. That’s a fact! Okay? People loved that look on that cake. Now, in defending the president’s decision, I said that unlike the Syrian leader, um… [forgets the name] the leader of– uff, son of a– what is his stupid name? I got, um, Bazooka Felicia Hamad Rashad. At least Hitler never used chemical weapons and everybody freaked. Okay? They were all like, “Boo-hoo. What about the holocaust centers?” And yeah, I know they’re not really called the holocaust centers. Duh! I know that. I’m aware. I clearly meant to say concentration clubs, okay? Let it drop! It would be really great if the nit pickers try to see a big picture and didn’t solely focus on every little slur and lie I say. That’d be nice. AND P.S., you know I am sensitive to the fact that they were sent there on trains, but hey, at least they didn’t have to fly United. Am I right? God dang! That one just jumped out of my mouth.
Now, I am particularly sorry this happened the same week as passover, or A.K.A., the Jewish Easter. So, in the spirits of cultural unity, I thought I would shed some light on to all the guys out there on the most sacred holiday, Passover. Now, bring out my baby dolls.
[1 walks to the table beside the podium. There are two boxes.]Alright. Okay, so here we go. Here’s pharoah. [showing an Egyptian mask] Okay? Pharoah is a bad, bad hombre. And he is doing some really bad stuff to the Jews. [showing tomato puppet] Bad, bad stuff to the Jews. And I mean not even Hitler is– You know what? I’m not going to do it. Not going to go there again. Fool me once, shame on me. Fool me twice, shame on Jews. Okay? So, you got Pharoah’s like, “You guys need to start making pyramids and stuff,” And then the Jews, these guys pass over, literally. These guys literally float above the pharoah, kinda like crouching tiger hidden dreidel. I mean, it’s amazing. And they were like, “Yes, see ya’, pharoah. Wouldn’t wanna be yo.” And then from then on, pretty much smooth sailing for the Jews.
[1 walks back to the podium]Okay, so just to be super clear, as far as bad guys go, the ranking is boom right up at the top, Hitler, coming in at number one. Then Syria’s Babar Al-Asshad. Three, I’m gonna go pharoahs. And then I guess chronologically, Jews take number four. So, that about wraps it up for me. Happy Easter, everybody. Oh, by the way, the president is probably going to bomb North Korean tonight. Okay, Spicy’s gotta hippady-hop. And deliver these eggs. And everybody, just eat as much candy as you want, cause it’s probably the last Easter that we will ever have on earth.
