Melissa Villaseñor
Sasheer Zamata
Melissa McCarthy
Cecily Strong
Leslie Jones
Kate McKinnon
Vanessa Bayer
Aidy Bryant
[Starts with a group of women having a baby’s birthday party.]
Melissa Villaseñor: The kids are finally outside.
Sasheer: Great party, Jen.
Melissa Villaseñor: Thanks, guys. I know we just moved here so I really appreciate the neighborhood moms helping us celebrate little Jeremy’s first birthday. We feel really welcomed.
Melissa McCarthy: Oh, well we remember what it’s like to be a young mom in a new town. And look, you have a great house and a great family. Now all you need is your animal.
Melissa Villaseñor: Oh, we don’t want a pet.
Sasheer: No, not a pet, silly. Your mom animal. You know, the one animal that every mom adopts as a symbol of her personality.
Melissa Villaseñor: Wait, animal?
All: Yes, your animal.
Cecily: Your animal makes everything easier. No more, what music does she like? How are her hobbies? Now, I’m just pigs. I’m done.
Melissa McCarthy: Once you embrace your animal, everything changes. I remember it like it was yesterday. I was sitting at home and a voice said to me, “Your son is heading into a very important meeting.” So I chose that exact moment to call him and tell him about a girl he barely knew that had died.
Melissa Villaseñor: That seems like an inconvenient time to call.
Melissa McCarthy: I know. But I did it anyway because it was my dolphin nature.
Sasheer: I remember when I embraced my animal. Suddenly, whenever someone complimented my clothing, I respond with where I got it and how much it costs.
Leslie: Sheryl, I love that sweater.
Sasheer: Vera Wang, KOHLS, $2, jungle cats.
Melissa Villaseñor: So, how do you pick your animal?
[women laughing]
Kate: Silly girl. You seek an answer yet you do not even know the question. A deep and complex reason for your animal will come to you. For example, I think ladybugs are nice.
Leslie: My thing is angels.
Melissa Villaseñor: Um, I guess I’m just confused.
Vanessa: My animal came to me in a dream. I dreamt, I flew on great white wings. We sailed over my worries and soared over the Costco. Finally, we landed in the parking lot of the Panera Bread. And there he was, a majestic goose wearing a little hat. We made love that night.
Melissa Villaseñor: Okay. I’m sorry. But this sounds crazy. I don’t see how any of this applies to me.
Melissa McCarthy: Oh, really? Well, let me ask you this. Why does this pillow have a country chicken on it?
Melissa Villaseñor: I don’t know. I just bought it.
Melissa McCarthy: You bought the chicken or you becoming the chicken?
Sasheer: Ladies, the animal is coming.
Melissa Villaseñor: No. No, I’ll never be like you.
Aidy: What has been put in motion cannot be undone. Soon, you’ll take your iPad to museum because your iPad is your camera.
Vanessa: All of your emails will begin with forward, forward, forward.
Melissa McCarthy: You’ll carry a nice purse and ruin it with a Purell key chain.
[All women start making their animal sound]
Leslie: I’m an angel!
[Now, Melissa Villaseñor is holding a chicken toy, wearing a chicken t-shirt]
Sasheer: Welcome, sister.
Leslie: I love you pin.
Melissa Villaseñor: The TJ Maxx by the hospital, 50 cents. Chickens!
