Kyler… Mikey Day
Trish… Saoirse Ronan
Pontoon… Luke Null
Epcot… Heidi Gardner
Quartney… Aidy Bryant
Justin… Chris Redd[Starts with show intro]
Male voice: From the creators of Jersey Shore, MTV’s hot new show “Floribama Shore” brings the party to the Gold Coast. The co-eds are hot, the parties are jumping and it was all filmed in the middle of Hurricane Irma.[Cut to Kyler.]
Kyler narrating: Sup? My name’s Kyler and I’m a piece of [bleep].[Cut to Trish]
Trish narrating: My mama didn’t raise me to be afraid of no storm. She raised me to be a fearless Christian sex addict with gum diseases that you ain’t even heard of, player!
Pontoon narrating: Sup, y’all? My name’s Pontoon. And I used to carry around my dad’s ashes until I let go of him on a roller coaster. Oh-Wa-ah-ah-ah![Cut to Epcot]
Epcot narrating: My name’s Epcot. I was born in the Chinese part of Epcot center. My favorite food is gum.[Cut to Quartney]
Quartney narrating: What’s up, weiners? My name’s Quartney with a Quart. I’mma freaking the sheets in the Benghazi. Truth are in the streets.[Cut to Justin]
Justin narrating: Wait a minute, there’s a hurricane coming? We need to go, y’all![Cut to clips of people partying]
Male voice: A party’s brewing down south y’all. And there’s a 90% chance of drama.[Cut to everyone chilling. Quartney walks in with cocktails.]
Quartney: Hurricanes for the hurricane, y’all!
Epcot narrating: Hurricanes? Her a bitch![Cut to Epcot trashing Quartney’s cocktails]
Epcot: You’ve been getting on my damn nerves ever since we got to this house.
Quartney: You can’t talk to me like that!
Epcot: Oh, what are you going to do about it? Cry to you daddy?
Quartney: You don’t know my daddy.
Epcot: You don’t know… my daddy!
Epcot and Quartney: My daddy’s Hulk Hogan![Epcot and Quartney look at each other being emotional for some time, and then hug each other crying.] [Cut to Epcot and Quartney]
Quartney narrating: Hogan sisters reunited.
Epcot narrating: Have you ever met him?
Quartney narrating: No, I want to, though.[Cut to Pontoon]
Pontoon narrating: At this point, seems like everybody in the house is coupled up. Trish is with Kyler. Epcot is with Kyler. And Quartney, I believe, is with Kyler. Justin’s freaking out coz his wife’s not answering the phone.
Justin narrating: Sharon, call me.[Cut to Pontoon]
Pontoon narrating: But I’m not worried, y’all, because Trish said that she’d bang me… after Kyler.[Cut to everyone praying at the table]
Male voice: Despite everything, this house is all about the love.
Trish: Guys, I think staying in here through the hurricane was the best decision we ever made.
Quartney: Yeah! Otherwise, I would have never met my long lost sister.
Pontoon: We’re falling in love. Y’all, this hurricane has taught me something important. When you find someone you love, never let em go. Trish, will you marry me?[a ‘STOP’ sign board flies in breaking window and cuts Pontoon through his stomach. Everyone is panicking.]
Male voice: “Floribama Shore,” why do you make us do this?