Kurt Burton… Mikey Day
Don… Kate McKinnon
Todd… Bobby Moynihan
Marcie… Melissa McCarthy[Starts with three contestants ready to play a TV game show]
Male voice: It’s time to play America’s sweetest game show. ‘Just Desserts!’ And here’s your host, Kurt Burton.[Kurt Burton walks in] [cheers and applause]
Kurt Burton: Ho-ho! Alright! Welcome to ‘Just Desserts.’ I’m your host, Kurt Burton. And today, three lucky contestants will be battling head to head to take the cake worth a yummy $50,000. Don, Todd and Marcie, one of you will be walking away winner.
Kurt Burton: Ha-ha. marcie is excited. Now, you know how it works. We spin the board and you tell us when to stop. Land on a cash stack, and you’re richer than chocolate mousse. Or, land on a pie or cake, and you’ll be in a very sticky situation. Marcie, you won the coin toss back stage. So, you will start ups up by spinning that board.
Marcie: Okay, baby! Come on, cash stacks. Mama wants big old cash stack. No pies. No pies. And stop.
Kurt Burton: Oh, that’s pie.[suddenly a hand his Marcie’s face with a plate of pie.]
A pie on the first pick.
Marcie: Is there a towel?
Kurt Burton: No, there is not. Todd, you’re up.
Todd: Cash, no pies. Come on! Cash, no pies. And stop!
Kurt Burton: Oh, 500 bucks and a pass a pie to the left. Marcie, you get pied.
Marcie: Wait! Wait! [suddenly a hand his Marcie’s face with a plate of pie.]
Kurt Burton: Alright. Don, you’re up.
Don: Ooh! Me want the cash stacks. I don’t want pies or cakes. And stop.
Kurt Burton: Ooh! $5,000 big ones, plus a take a cake. Take a cakes go to the right, so Marcie, happy birthday.
Marcie: Wait, what do you mean?[suddenly a hand his Marcie’s face with a plate of pie.]
Kurt Burton: And Don, choose your topic.
Don: Everybody loves sprinkles.
Kurt Burton: Alright. And finally, let’s blow out those candles.[a blower is used on Marcie’s face]
Marcie: Ah! Ah! Ooh! Argh!
Kurt Burton: Alright. Marcie, you’re up.
Marcie: I can’t! I don’t see anything.
Kurt Burton: Marcie, just tell us when to stop.
Kurt Burton: Okay, Marcie, you did run out of time. And that means you get an out of time pie.
Marcie: Wait, what?[suddenly a hand his Marcie’s face with a plate of pie.]
Kurt Burton: Whow! What a yummy first round. Let’s meet our players. Don Hamill, a dentist from Tacoma. Todd Spratt, a graphic designer from Cleveland. And Marcie Hill, a stay at home mother of none from Orlando. Marcie had a little trouble that round, huh?
Marcie: I did. I did. Yeah.
Kurt Burton: What do you think tripped you up?
Marcie: Um, I have to say the pies! I couldn’t see, hear and for most part, could not breathe out of either of these. Yeah, the pies got me. Ha-ha.
Kurt Burton: Yeah. The pies got you. Well, remember Marcie, it will cost you a turn and 100 big ones, but you can always ask for a clean up.
Marcie: Right. You know what? I completely forgot about the option because of the pie.
Kurt Burton: Well, let’s hope in round two it’s all cash stacks and no messy treats. And remember, this round prize and pie amounts are double dipped. Don, you are in lead with 5,000 big ones. Todd’s in the second with 500. And Marcie, you’re in third with zero big ones which means you get a zero pie.
Marcie: Wait, what?
Kurt Burton: Alright. Don, start us off.
Don: Okay, cash stacks me want some, pies and cakes me don’t! Stop!
Kurt Burton: Oh! Pie!
Don: I’ll buy the pie.
Kurt Burton: Don, that’s your pie to pass. You can say the–
Don: Kurt, I’m gonna pass that pie to Marcie.
Marcie: Wait! [suddenly a hand his Marcie’s face with a plate of pie.] Oh!
Kurt Burton: And, since this round is double dipped, that’s two for you.
Marcie: What? [suddenly a hand his Marcie’s face with a plate of pie.]
Kurt Burton: Might be a good time for a wife off, Marcie.
Marcie: Oh, yes. Clean up.
Kurt Burton: Alright. Here it comes.[two pipes are spraying water to Marcie’s face]
Kurt Burton: Marcie, you chose clean up. That means you will lose your next turn.
Marcie: Oh, wait. It’s probably for the best.
Kurt Burton: It’s also going to cost you 100 big ones, but since your bank is empty, you pay in pie.
Marcie: Wait! [suddenly a hand his Marcie’s face with a plate of pie.]
Kurt Burton: Alright. Looks like we gotta take a break. Coming up, bigger stacks of cash and thicker, denser pies.
Marcie: Oh, god! No! No! Not with crust. Now with crust.
Kurt Burton: Only on, ‘Just Desserts!’