Vanessa Bayer
Gene… Kenan Thompson
Dwayne Johnson
Gemma… Cecily Strong
Mikey Day
[Starts with Vanessa and Gene sitting on a ride at Jurassic Park]
Vanessa: Are we really going to get wet on this ride? I just got my hair done.
Gene: Sweetie, can you just try to have a good time since it’s your birthday?
Vanessa: YOu’re right. Taking me to Universal Studio is as good as going to Paris after all.
[Vanessa and Gene hug]
[Dwayne and Gemma walk in]
Dwayne: Oh, babe! Two seats in this one. Come on! Shake a butt.
Gemma: Coming by.
Dwayne: Oh, it’s a little shaky.
Gemma: Grab my hand?
Dwayne: I got your hand, babe.
Gemma: I’m excited to see real dinosaurs.
Dwayne: Oh yeah, babe. But they’re not real. They’re stuffed.
Gemma: Alright.
Dwayne: [looking at Gene] Oh my god, Gene! Look at this. No freaking way! I haven’t seen you in, what? Like, two, three years? Oh, it’s crazy, huh? Last time I saw you, you were with your wife. You guys break up?
Gene: No. [pointing at Vanessa] This is her.
Dwayne: Oh, whoa. What happened to you, honey?
Vanessa: What does that mean? Is that good or bad?
Dwayne: Hey, you remember Gemma, huh?
Gemma: Hi, I’m Gemma. I’m British. This is my pig Pipsqueak. She’s British too.
[Mikey comes in]
Mikey: Okay, folks. Welcome to Jurassic River Rapids. As a reminder, this ride does get wet. So you will want to secure your valuables in the center console right there. And– I’m sorry, is that a pig?
Dwayne: Yeah. I think so. This is your pig, right babe?
Gemma: yeah, it’s a mini pig. Look, we dress alike.
Dwayne: Hey, Gene, she dresses like a pig. Huh, how hot is that, huh? Hey, you bout to pop through those button fly shorts?
Vanessa: Gene, you’re not going to bust your new shorts, are you?
Gene: I hope not.
Vanessa: Just don’t!
Mikey: Okay, well, no matter what, I still can’t let you have any animals on the ride. So, I guess I’m gong to have to hold him for you.
Gemma: Aw, okay. Goodbye, pips. Mommy’s gonna miss you.
[Mikey takes the piglet away from Gemma]
Dwayne: Hey, Gene, she’s talking that sexy piggy talk, bedtime talk to the pig, huh? Is your fly getting as strained as mine, Gene? Hah? I can hear my zipper going, “Oh! Oh! I can’t hold it. I can’t hold it.” Hey, what do you think your button sound like, Gene?
Gene: I don’t know. Maybe like, “Boop.”
Vanessa: Does boop mean your button popped, Gene?
Gemma: [to Mikey] Careful, he bites and kicks.
Mikey: Okay. Make sure you are all buckled in. And watch out for those velociraptors.
[ride starts]
Dwayne: Ay! Ay!
Gemma: Oh, wow! We’re moving.
Dwayne: I know, right, here we go. Dino time! Like that skinny black guy used to say.
Gene: I think he used to say “Dyno-mite.”
Dwayne: Yeah.
Gemma: I’ve got a song called ‘Dyanmite.’
Dwayne: Oh, yeah, Gemma is a singer. You remember that?
Vanessa: Oh, yeah. I actually do. You have a lovely voice.
Dwayne: Gene, Duck!
[Gene ducks. Water splashes on Vanessa]
Vanessa: [to Gene] Oh my god! Why did you just tell him to duck?
Dwayne: Oh, because I don’t know your name, girl.
Vanessa: Well, may name–
Dwayne: Hey, hang on, hang on. Gemma was about to sing. You can tell us after. Ay, Gene, duck!
[Gene ducks. ater splashes on Vanessa again]
Vanessa: Why?
Dwayne: You should have told me your name, I guess.
Gemma: Give me a beat, babe.
Dwayne: Oh, you got it, babe.
Gemma: [singing] Boom, boom, blast, hey
boom, boom, blast, hey
got all in the club shakin’ their ass
girls are jel cause I’m the best
but boy you better run cause I’m dangerous
[Gene is shaking his head enjoying]
that’s why they call me Dynamite
I just might blow you a way
boom, boom, blast, hey!
Gene: Oh, that was really great. Right, honey?
Vanessa: Well, I would dance to that.
Dwayne: Hey, Gene, tell your friend to duck!
[A dinosaur appears behind Vanessa and starts spraying water from it’s mouth.]
Vanessa: Oh, my god!
[The ride is over.]
Mikey: Alright, guys. Your survived your adventure. Hope you enjoyed the ride. And by the way, you weren’t lying. The pig kicks and bites and is very nasty.
Dwayne: Hey! Hey! Don’t you talk about Gene’s wife that way! I’m gonna kill this guy.
Mikey: Oh, I’m talking about the pig.
Dwayne: Hey! It’s his wife, dude!
[Gene, Dwayne and Gemma are out]
Vanessa: Hey, can you help me? My seat belt is stuck.
Dwayne: Ay, nice. You get to go twice, honey.
Vanessa: But I don’t want to.
Gene: [yelling] Can you just have fun, honey?
[Water splashes on Vanessa again]
Gemma: Bye, Gene’s wife. We’ll miss ya.
[The ride starts again]
