Gift Wrap

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Tina… Kate McKinnon

Don… James Franco

Heidi Gardner

Beck Bennett

Leslie Jones

Kenan Thompson

[Starts with a customer packing her gift at the wrapping department]

Tina: And that’s one freshly wrapped Xbox, courtesy of your friendly Bloomingdale’s gift wrapping department.

Don: Hang on, let me just fluff your bow. Can’t send you home with a fluffy bow.

Heidi: Thank you. How much do I owe you?

Don: Oh, you’ve been such a super sweet customer. I think I’m gonna have to waive the $5 charge. This one’s on me. Now, Merry Christmas.

Heidi: Merry Christmas to you.

[Heidi walks out]

Tina: Wow. Don, you’re so great with the customers. I don’t know how you do it.

Don: Ah, because I’m a freaky nut for Christmas? That’s how. I live for this. Don’t you?

Tina: It’s fine.

[Beck walks in]

Beck: Hi. Can I get this barbie doll wrapped for my niece?

Don: Wow! Oh, yeah. She’s gonna have the best Christmas ever flip in life.

Beck: I hope so. She is pretty special.

[Don takes a wrapping paper and starts wrapping the gift]

Don: Oh, I know she will, sir. That is my Christmas guarantee. [Don hurts his finger] Oh! Ou!

Tina: Are you okay?

Don: Yeah. I just– just a little paper cut. It’s a hazard of the trade. No big. Now, The secret to good gift wrapping is a nice clean crease. [Don is wrapping the gift very badly because of the injury, and he is bleeding all over the gift. It’s all messed up.]

Tina: Don, Do you need a band aid?

Don: I don’t think so. Don’t think so.

Beck: I think you do. You’re getting blood all over my niece’s gift.

Don: I can just cover that with the bow. Don’t worry. Oh, man. This is deeper than I thought. [His hands are all bloody] Yeah. My finger’s basically like a split hotdog right now.

Tina: Don, I think we need to get you to the medical center.

Don: [pointing his injured finger to Tina] Oh, pass, Tina. I got work to do.

Beck: This is bad. Are you on blood thinners?

Don: A few. Ha-ha-ha. Yeah. Okay, one last piece of tape and alright. [Don passes the badly wrapped gift to Beck] There you go, sir.

Beck: Oh, thank you. Where’s the return counter?

Don: It’s just over there. Oh, don’t forget your free candy cane over here, okay? [Don picks up the candies with his bloody hands. The candy container is filled with his blood.]

Beck: Oh, Jesus!

[Beck runs away]

Tina: Hey, Don, can we please go find the store nurse now?

Don: Tina, it’s nothing. I just need a little pressure on it. it’s gonna stop any second. Okay?

[Don puts his finger in his mouth]

Tina: Is your mouth filling with blood right now? Don?

[Don is shaking his head no] [Leslie and Kenan walk in]

Leslie: Hi, are you free to wrap a gift?

Don: Umm.

[Don spits a lot of blood on Leslie’s face]

Whoa! Oh! You are gift finding genius or what?

Kenan: Oh, my good lord! Good lord! What is happening?

[Leslie is disgusted]

Don: Here. Your Christmas dreams are coming true. That’s what. Let me find my special chu-chu paper.

[Don is looking for a paper]

Kenan: No. You know what? I think we’re good, man! Let’s get out of here.

[Leslie is trying to say something to Don but she can’t speak because she is disgusted.]

Are you alright?

Don: Here we go. Look. [Don brings out the paper] Don’t be silly. You’re gonna love this paper. [Don is already bleeding over the wrapping paper] You just got to chop a little bit of it.

[Don chops his another finger off his another hand]

Kenan: [yelling] Oh! You just chopped your damn fingers out.

Don: Just a tip. Just a tip. That’s what she said! [Don is bleeding all over the place] I just wanna say something point. I think we may actually have a problem here.

Kenan: Yeah, man.

Leslie: Ew! Your’e spraying blood in my–

Don: No! The problem is I don’t have enough chu-chu paper. But look, you can pick any of the patterns on the wall behind me. [Don sprays blood all over the papers and wall behind.]

Kenan: No! Alright? That is it! We are out of here.

Leslie: No, I want– [can’t speak]

Tina: Don, this is way more than eight pints of blood. Will you please stop?

Don: Stop loving Christmas? Never. Just turn on the lights. I wanna show you something.

Tina: The lights are on. All the lights are on.

Don: Oh my god! Look, another roll of chu-chu paper. Let me cut the plastic up here. Hold it with my leg here. [Don pulls out his leg. His leg is already chopped off. Now  he is bleeding off his leg too.] Oh! I just cut my leg off. Ha-ha-ha.

Kenan: You just 100% cut your damn foot off.

Don: Yeah. That’s what she said!

Tina: Please call an ambulance for all of us.

Kenan: No! I cannot deal with that. That is a foot!

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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