Michelle… Cecily Strong
Amy… Aidy Bryant
Dave… Beck Bennett
Alex Moffat[Starts with a girl walking into a bar]
Michelle: [talking on the phone] Hey, girl. It’s me checking to see if you are here yet, and I don’t see you so– I’m just gonna grab a seat at the bar, alright? So just, find me when you get here. Okay, bye. [hangs up] Where is she?[Dave walks in]
Dave: Excuse me. Is this seat taken?
Michelle: Oh. Um…
Dave: I’m sorry, I’m not like a gross guy trying to hit on your or anything. I just– I can’t find a seat.
Michelle: Okay, yeah, sure.
Dave: Thanks. Believe me, I know this place is filled with skeezy guys.
Michelle: I think the whole world is.
Dave: Hah! I think one is our president.
Michelle: [laughing] Do not remind me.
Dave: I’m Dave.
Michelle: I’m Michelle.
Dave: I gotta say, I like your t-shirt.
Michelle: Oh, yeah? Well, future is female.
Dave: I know. Look.[Dave is wearing the same t-shirt.]
Michelle: No! Okay, well, Dave, on behalf of all women, we thank you so much for your support.
Dave: Hey, would you maybe wanna hangout sometime?
Michelle: You men like a date?
Dave: [smiling] Yeah, like a date.
Michelle: Um, no thank you.
Dave: Okay, bitch!
Dave: I’m wearing this shirt and you won’t even let me nut? What the freak![Kyle walks in pushing Dave away]
Kyle: Hey! Hey! Hey!
Dave: What? I followed all the rules![Dave leaves. Kyle sits on that seat.]
Kyle: Sorry about that. You alright?
Michelle: Yeah, yeah. I’m fine. Thank you.
Kyle: You, um, you from around here? [Michelle looks at Kyle] Sorry. I didn’t mean that in like a skeezy, where do you live sort of way.
Michelle: No, no. It’s okay. I’m from DC.
Kyle: Oh, no way. I was actually just there for the women’s march.
Kyle: Yeah. Yeah. We rented a bus and brought down like a hundred people from the neighborhood who didn’t have a ride. It was honestly, one of the best days of my life.
Michelle: Wow, you’re very nice.
Kyle: Um, would you want to come to my place?
Michelle: Oh! No, thank you.
Kyle: I freaking marched for you. You won’t get down on this?
Michelle: Ew![Mikey walks in pushing Kyle away]
Mikey: Hey! She’s not into it, man!
Kyle: Fine![Kyle leaves and Mikey takes the seat]
Mikey: Back off! God! Guys like that is why we need a woman in the White House. Enough of us men, right? We had our shot. Sorry, I’m a broken record. I worked for Hillary.
Michelle: You did? I love Hillary.
Mikey: Yeah. Hey, can I ask you a question since we both love Hillary?
Mikey: Would you want to look at my balls?
Michelle: Ew, no.
Mikey: [pointing at Michelle] Bitch!
Mikey: But it’s not fair.[Alex walks in pushing Mikey away]
Alex: Okay, buddy, that’s enough. Move along. I’m so sorry about my fellow man.
Alex: You know what? Do you by any chance follow Kamala Harris on twitter?
Michelle: Yes, I do.
Alex: Do you wanna eat my butt?
Alex: [squeaky loud voice] Bitch![Amy walks in pushing Alex away]
Amy: No, no. Go!
Michelle: Amy! I”m so glad you’re here.
Amy: I’m sorry I’m late. These guys are horrible.
Michelle: Yeah, tell me about it. Thank you for saving me. I love you.
Amy: Oh, you do?
Amy: Touch my [bleep].
Michelle: What? No!
Amy: [yelling] Bitch!