Coach… Alec Baldwin
Max… Alex Moffat
Doug… Mikey Day
Sue… Aidy Bryant
[Starts with Coach helping Max to do his sit-ups.]Coach: Ten seconds left, Max. You’re not going to beat the school record at this pace.
Friends: Come on, Max. You can do it.
Max: Argh! [fails] I can’t do it.
Coach: Oh, sorry Max, good effort. Do we have any other challengers?
Doug: Um, I could try, coach. I know I’m not like a Max level athlete, but I’d like to try.
Coach: Now, that’s what I like to hear. Get down here, Doug. Big cheer for Doug. Let’s hear it.
Friends: Go Doug! You’re the man.
Coach: You call can learn a thing or two form Doug here. Stepping up to the plate by challenging yourself. Alright now, Doug, [holds Doug’s feet] don’t worry about the count. All of your focus should be on pushing your body to its limits.
Doug: I know, coach. I’m ready.
Coach: Okay. One minute on the clock, Sue.
Sue: Yeah.
Doug: And hey, coach, thanks for believing in me. Not just for this, but for everything.
Coach: You’re welcome, Doug. Let’s see if you can break the school record. Ready, set, go!
Good pace. [he is farting even louder] Don’t slow down. You got this. Cheer him on, guys. Cheer him on.
Doug: I need a break!
Coach: No way, Doug. YOu’re not allowed to quit. Not when you’re this close. Push it! Power through!
[Doug starts doing sit-ups again, with long farts]Three more.
Two more.
Last one.
My god, he did it! Doug broke the school record!
[The friends aren’t cheering as they’re disgusted]Doug: Wow! I couldn’t have done it without you, coach.
Coach: Oh, now you’re going to be a legend in this school. I’m telling you. Hey, I bet you guys are never gonna forget the day, and you’ll tell everybody of the day you saw Doug do this here. Right?
Sue: We will literally never forget.
Coach: Alright, good work today, everyone. Good work. [whispering to Doug] And I think you might have let out a little toot back there, Doug, but don’t worry. I don’t think any of the girls heard it.
