Jake Tapper… Beck Bennett
Mike… Bobby Moynihan
Kellyanne Conway… Kate McKinnon[Starts with Jake Tapper in his news set]
Jake Tapper: And that will do it for us on ‘State of the Union’. As always, I’m Jake Tapper. Fareed Zakaria “GPS” is next.
Mike: And we’re out.[bell ringing]
Jake Tapper: Alright, thanks everyone.
Mike: Hey, great show, man. And for what it’s worth, I think it was the right call not to let Kellyanne on today.
Jake Tapper: Thank you. I mean, the White House offered her. She just had too many credibility issues.
Mike: Yeah. I’m glad you drew the line.
Jake Tapper: Thanks. Well, have a good night, Mike.
Mike: Alright, man.
Jake Tapper: Back at it tomorrow.
Mike: Have a good night, Jake.[Cut to Jake Tapper gettin in his apartment. As he is turning the lights on, Kellyanne Conway is in his kitchen.]
Kellyanne Conway: Hello, Jake. [Jake Tapper is shocked] Do you want a drink?
Jake Tapper: Jesus! Kellyanne, what the hell are you doing here?
Kellyanne Conway: I just want to be a part of the news, Jake.
Jake Tapper: And this is how you do it? By breaking into my apartment?
Kellyanne Conway: Well, what was I supposed to do? You weren’t answering my calls, you changed your number. I’m not going to be ignored, Jake!
Jake Tapper: You don’t get it, Kellyanne. You made up a massacre. We can’t have you on.
Kellyanne Conway: [flirting and getting close to Jake Tapper] But I miss the news. I want to get a mic. I want to feel that hot, black, mic pressed up against my skin. [trying to seduce Jake Tapper] Oh, is this the tie you wore on the news today? Smells like good news. Let me taste the news on your face.[Kellyanne Conway licks Jake Tapper’s cheeks]
Jake Tapper: Kellyanne, no! We can’t have you on TV if you’re just going to keep lying!
Kellyanne Conway: Okay, fine. I’ll do something else. [Kellyanne Conway pulls out a knife] I’ll do something really crazy. [Kellyanne Conway licks the knife] What if I do a free commercial for Ivanka’s shoes, life on air? Would you like that, baby?
Jake Tapper: What? No. That’s illegal.
Kellyanne Conway: So what? [Kellyanne Conway throws the knife and sticks it on the wall] It’s just a little ethics violation. Think of the clicks, Jake. Click, click, click. Don’t you see? I don’t do this for me. I do it for you. You need me. You need to press me.
Jake Tapper: No, I don’t.
Kellyanne Conway: Yes, you do. You need to reach inside me and you need to pull out the truth.
Jake Tapper: You’re insane!
Kellyanne Conway: You’re a hunter, Jake! You know that the truth is? Your feet, you wanna chase it.
Jake Tapper: [yelling] Enough! It’s over, Kellyanne. You’re sick. You’re toxic. You are done.
Kellyanne Conway: We’ll see about that. If I can’t be on TV, I’ll go somewhere else. I’ll call Huff Po live.
Jake Tapper: No, you won’t. [Kellyanne Conway walks away and makes the phone call] No one watches that.
Female voice on phone: Hello, Huff Po live.
Kellyanne Conway: No. [Kellyanne Conway throws the phone away] [crying] Sorry, Jake. I just want to do my polls again.[Jake Tapper walks to Kellyanne Conway and tries to comfort her. Suddenly Kellyanne Conway turns around and pulls a knife on Jake Tapper’s neck.]
Put me on the news, Jake!
Jake Tapper: Okay. Okay. I’ll text Fareed Zakaria. You can go on his show.
Kellyanne Conway: Fareed Zakaria? I have an office in the [bleep] White House.
Jake Tapper: Okay. What about Carol Stello?
Kellyanne Conway: Do I look like Kayliegh McEnany to you?
Jake Tapper: No.
Kellyanne Conway: Then why are you trying to f* me like I’m Kayliegh McEnany?
Jake Tapper: Okay! Okay! You can go on our show. Whatever you want. You win! Whatever you want![Kellyanne Conway leaves Jake Tapper]
Kellyanne Conway: Okay, great. Thanks Jake.
Jake Tapper: [coughing] You’re a monster.
Kellyanne Conway: Actually, no. I am just Kellyanne Conway and I always get my Kelly on con–[Kellyanne Conway falls down out of the window] [screaming] Ahh!
Jake Tapper: No! Kellyanne! Oh my god![Jake Tapper looks down the window. Kellyanne Conway opens her eyes, fixes her broken body herself and stand.]
Are you okay?
Kellyanne Conway: Actually, I am fine, but I do only have three lives left. See you on the news. [winks]