Kevin Hart Stand-Up Monologue

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Kevin Hart

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Kevin Hart.

[Kevin Hart walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Kevin Hart: Hey. Oh, we can do better than that. [cheering harder] Let me hear y’all. Yes. Yes. So excited to be here, man. So many amazing things going on right now. Where do I start? First and foremost, Jumanji. I have Jumanji coming out soon. I’m extremely excited about that. Um, I can talk about the fact that this is my third time hosting Saturday Night Live. My third time on this stage. Excited about that. I’m about to go to my third tour. My third tour. Irresponsible tour. I’m excited about that.

People, big things are happening right now. I just had my third baby. I just had baby number three. Yes. Yes, I did. Now, I can admit– I can admit to everybody I wasn’t– I wasn’t excited about having a baby in the beginning. When we had the idea of having a baby. I wasn’t through. I didn’t know if I wanted the baby. That’s just me being honest. Don’t judge me. I’m being honest. I didn’t know if I wanted the baby. The reason why? It’s because I got two babies already. My daughter’s 12. My son’s 10. I told my wife. I said, “Babe, I got the best of both worlds. I did it. We married. So technically, those babies are your babies. That’s what I told her. Those are your babies too. She said, “I know. But they old. I want a new one.” I said, “Well, first of all don’t talk about my kids like they’re used cars. Don’t do that, okay? These kids are working perfectly fine. There’s nothing wrong with these kids.”

The thing is for me, I didn’t want to deal with that two year old age again. That was my fear. That’s a tough age, man. You got to have a lot of patience to deal with that two year old child. Just think about it. All you do is just repeat yourself all day to a two year old child. That’s all you do. You say the same thing over and over again to a two year old child.

“Hey! Hey! What did I say? Look at me. Look at me. No. What did I say? Ah! Look at me. Look at me. What did I? No! What did I say? Put it! Look, haa-hah! No! Haa-hah!” What is that? What is “Haa-hah?” That’s not even a word. But we made it the word. Go behind a stranger that you don’t know and go “haa-hah!” I bet they duck. I bet they duck. Coz it always follows with a hit.

You gotta have too much patience, man. There’s so many things I don’t like when it comes to little kids. I’m gonna tell you what I really don’t like. I don’t like these younger women that are making these older men have these babies. I don’t like it. I was at a park. I saw a 60 year old man with a two year old baby. It disgusted me. I didn’t like it one bit. Coz he couldn’t keep up with the baby. The baby is too much for him. He was treating the baby like the baby was a loose basketball at a playground. You should have seen it. “Ay! Ay! My man. Look up. Grab that baby. Pass that baby back to me please. That’s my baby. Ay! Please. Hey! Coming down the side board. Right there. That’s my baby. Hey. Pass that baby back to me please.” He couldn’t bend his knees. He didn’t know how to work none of the baby equipment so he kept trying to talk to me to get me to do the things for him. “Ay, you. My man. Right there. Hey, please. You, right there. Ay! Right there. Come here for a second? Please. I don’t know how to get the stroller down. Okay? Like, I got it up but I can’t get it down. It’s like I took viagra and I don’t know what to do afterwards. Okay?” I said, “Look, man. It’s a new stroller. The new strollers are touch and release. All you got to do is tap the button in the middle. You tap the button in the middle, the stroller’s gonna collapse.” He said, “Can you show me how to do it?” I did it. I tapped the button in the middle. Stroller collapsed. He lost it. “Oh! My god! Okay. Alright. I need you in my life.” He said, “Can I get you to follow me to my car and help me properly stripe my baby in the car seat?” I said, “What?” He said, “Let’s just hypothetically say I didn’t do it right on the way over here.” He said, “I made a left and my baby slipped from the right and smacked her head on the glass on the left hand side. I just need you to help me, brother.” I said, “I don’t mind, man.” Long story short, I’ve been watching this guy’s kids for last two weeks. True story.

I will say this though. You have to take your hat off when it comes to dealing with kids to the women. Women, I give you so much credit. Like, you guys do so much. I will. I- I take my hat off to you. You know why? Because when it comes to putting structure in the child’s life, when it comes to bathing, feeding, taking kids to school, from school, you guys do that. You’re responsible for that. And you know what? I applaud you for that. But one thing that you’re not… The one thing that you’re not is fun. Now, I know when you first hear it, I know you’re getting attitude already. “What? I’m fun. That’s a lie. You a liar. I’m fun.” No, you’re not. You’re not. You’ve never heard a kid say, “I can’t wait to get home and play with my mom.” You ain’t never heard that. “I can’t wait for mommy and me time.” That don’t exist. Don’t no kids say that. All of the fun responsibility lies on the shoulder of the father. It does. Now, I know right now, women, you’re looking at me and saying, “So what? If it does, just play with kid.” What you don’t understand is the fun becomes the hardest job the kid does not know how to shut fun off. Let me tell you the scariest thing for men to see after a long day at work. He is tired. The scariest thing for men to see when he opens up that door real slow is that baby with a lot of energy on the other side. [screaming] “Oh, yeah. I’m ready to play, daddy. I wanna play that game where you close your eyes and I keep opening them back up. That’s what I want to do, daddy. I want to jump on your neck, daddy!” That’s a bad game, man. You gotta have a lot of patience as a man to deal with that. A lot. Some men have it. Some men don’t.

I want to make a bet right now. I’ll make a bet that every single man in this audience that has a child has done what I’m about to say at least one time. At least one time. Long day at work in your car. You drive home. You’re pulling your driveway. Soon as you get in the driveway, that baby with all the energy gets in the blinds and sees you. “Oh, yeah! Daddy’s about to pull up.” You see the baby. You see the baby see you see the baby. And you back out that driveway.

We got an amazing show for you guys tonight, everybody. Foo Fighters are here tonight. [cheers and applause] Yes! Stick around and we’ll be right back.

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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