Aidy Bryant[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Kristen Stewart.[Kristen Stewart walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]
Kristen Stewart: Thank you. Thank you so much. It is really great to be hosting Saturday Night Live, I gotta tell ya’. I’m here to promote my movie ‘Twilight’ which this week has been on iTunes for eight years. Check it out. I’m a little nervous to be hosting because I know president’s probably watching. I don’t think he likes me that much. Here’s how I know. Four years ago, I was dating this guy named Rob. Robert. And we broke up and then we got back together and for some reason it made Donald Trump go insane. Here’s what he actually tweeted and this is real.[Cut to Donald Trump’s tweet]
“Robert Pattinson should not take back Kristen Stewart. she cheated on him like a dog & will do it again– just watch. He can do much better!”[Cut to Kristen Stewart]
Now, I know what you’re thinking, right? “That’s so crazy, the president tweeted about you once.” No, no! The president tweeted about me 11 times. He also said,[Cut to Donald Trump’s tweet]
“Everyone knows I’m right that Robert Pattinson should dump Kristen Stewart. In a couple of years, he will thank me. Be smart, Robert.”[Cut to Kristen Stewart]
Kristen Stewart: I know! And then one day later, he tweeted,
“Everyone is asking me to speak more on Robert & Kristen. I don’t have time except to say ‘Robert, drop her, she cheated on you & will again!'”[Cut to Kristen Stewart]
Kristen Stewart: Okay, to be fair, I don’t think Donald Trump hated me. I think he’s in love with my boyfriend. Because he also tweeted this,[Cut to Donald Trump’s tweet]
“Miss Universe 2012 Pageant will be airing live on @abc & @Telemundo December 19th. Open invite stands for Robert Pattionson.”[Cut to Kristen Stewart]
Kristen Stewart: So, yeah. That’s crazy, right? The president is not a huge fan of me. But that is so okay, and Donald, if you didn’t like me then, you’re really probably not gonna like me now. Coz I’m hosting SNL and I’m like, so gay dude. But I have to say it’s really, really awesome to be here. I’m sure maybe some of you are surprised that I’m hosting because you think I’m too cool for school or something.[Kate McKinnon walks in smoking a cigarette]
Kate McKinnon: Whoo! Hell, yeah, Kristen. I’m too cool for school too, I don’t even care about this show. Pfft!
Kristen Stewart: Really? You don’t care about it?
Kate McKinnon: Yeah. Yeah. I don’t even want to be on it, right? I just want to be like you, right? Sleep all day, party all night.
Kristen Stewart: Yeah, that’s cool. [Kate McKinnon is chocking on cigarette smoke] That sounds cool. I don’t really do that though. I mean, I worked on five movies last year. One of them’s called ‘Personal Shopper,’ you should check it out. And I just directed a short film that premiered at Sundance, which was fun.
Kate McKinnon: Hah! They did Sundance this year?
Kristen Stewart: Yeah. Dude, they do it every year. It’s a thing.
Kate McKinnon: Hah! Okay, that’s weird because I sent them a bunch of little movies, they said they weren’t doing it this year. Okay.[Cut to Aidy Bryant getting in on a Harley Davidson, wearing all rock star outfit]
Aidy Bryant: Hey, ha-ha-ha, Kristen. You see my hog? It’s pretty cool, I guess, but who freaking cares?
Kristen Stewart: No, I see that. That’s awesome. What kind of motorcycle is that? It’s cool.
Aidy Bryant: Um, it’s a big black one. Who even cares, right? All I care about is sex. Yeah, I’m never not doing it. Ha-ha-ha. I have sex every single day.
Kate McKinnon: Yeah, yeah. Sure. Errday.
Kristen Stewart: Um, I think that’s really healthy. That’s a good choice. You guys don’t have to do this though. Just to make me think you’re cool coz I think you guys are awesome. It’s a done deal.
Kate McKinnon: Oh, thank god.
Aidy Bryant: Thank you. Coz, I have sex once a week on Sundays right before dinner. That’s it.
Kristen Stewart: Actually, that is more healthy. Now, it’s a really good choice. Okay, so, we’ve got a great show and I totally care that I’m here, coz it’s the coolest fucking thing– [stops herself and covers her mouth] Oh! Oh my god. And I’m sorry and Alessia Cara is here and I’ll never come back. Stick around and we’ll be right back.