Kyle and Leslie


Leslie Jones

Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Kyle Mooney walking in the streets]

Kyle narrating: I’ve never had a relationship that’s lasted very long. And even now that I’ve found my soulmate, it’s taken work to keep that connection solid. And I think that’s kind of where Leslie and I are right now. We got a lot of work to do.

[Cut to Kyle and Leslie. Leslie is getting ready.]

Leslie: Okay, babe, I gotta go to this photoshoot thing.

Kyle: Okay. Do you know when you’ll be back?

Leslie: I don’t know. Later. Gotta go.

[Leslie walks out]

Kyle: I love you baby.

Kyle narrating: I mean there have definitely been some wonderful moments. Um, we had little wedding thing with everyone which was amazing. [Cut to video clip of Kyle and Leslie getting married and all their colleagues are dancing]

Kyle: It’s official we’re married!

Kyle narrating: You know, I remember when my parents came into my room when I was nine. And they told me that they were getting a divorce. And I don’t want that to happen to me and Leslie. And I definitely don’t that to happen to our kid. Little Lorne.

[Cut to Kyle getting his son to sleep]

Kyle: Goodnight, bud.

Leslie narrating: I don’t see what the big deal is. I mean, I love my family, okay? I’m just busy. The show, movies, interviews, stand up. It’s a lot. And Kyle, he’s not busy. He’s barely on the show. And what has he done in the last year? “Neighbors 2”? Come on, man!

Kyle narrating: So many people come up to me and they’re like, “Hey, were you in Neighbors 2?” And I’m like, “Yes!” Awesome!

[Cut to Kyle talking in the studio with their son]

Kyle: Hey, can we talk?

Leslie: [whispering] Hey, what are you doing here? I am rehearsing.

Kyle: Why didn’t come home last night?

Leslie: It got late. I was writing, I slept at the office.

Kyle: With Colin?

Leslie: Oh, my god! Yes, but you know it’s not like that.

Kyle: Baby, I think we need to get help. I really do.

Leslie: Oh my god! Kyle, I’m not having this conversation with you right now.

Kyle: Fine. Okay. Just don’t forget tomorrow is little Lorne’s recital and you promised you wouldn’t miss it.

Leslie: I know. I will be there.

[Leslie walks towards her work]

Leslie narrating: Kyle’s been trying to get us to see someone to talk to about our problems. I don’t need someone telling me how to live my life.

[Cut to Kyle and Leslie sitting on a couch. Kyle is holding Leslie’s hand.]

Kyle: Okay, I guess I’ll start. I cry after sex. I love her. It’s an emotional experience for me so I cry.

Leslie: And I feel that makes him a little bitch.

[Cut to Melissa McCarthy listening to them not knowing how to respond.]

Melissa: Guys, I don’t want to know this stuff. I just want to memorize my lines.

[Cut to Kyle and Leslie in hallway]

Leslie: Well, I gotta work late tonight, okay? I’ll see you later.

[Leslie walks away]

Kyle: Bye, Leslie.

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle: Well, tonight is the big recital. I’m actually pretty nervous but Little Lorne will be great. I’m a proud dad.

[Cut to Little Lorne playing piano on. Kyle is watching his son, but he is also waiting for Leslie on way in.] [audience cheer for Little Lorne.] [Leslie and Colin run in late]

Leslie: Oh my god! Did we miss it?

Colin: I’m so sorry. We were working on a script and got carried away. It’s my fault.

[Kyle runs to them]

Kyle: [bleep] you, Colin! [Kyle pulls out a gun and shoots at Colin’s leg] [Everyone is running. Lorne Michaels is looking at the panic.]

Lorne narrating: I don’t usually support caste members shooting each other, but I mean, Colin can be annoying.

[Cut to Kyle and Leslie narrating ]

Kyle: Well, it’s been a pretty crazy week. Colin ended up surviving which is awesome.

Leslie: And you know what else survived? Our love.

Kyle: Also, we’re having another baby. And we’re gonna name him Weekend…

Leslie: Update!

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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