Louis C.K. Stand-Up Monologue


Louis C.K.

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Louis C.K..

[Louis C.K. walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Louis C.K.: Yes. Yes. that’s right. That’s right. That’s appropriate. Here’s a joke. Why did the chicken cross the road? Coz there was a black guy walking behind him and he was nervous. He was new to the city, this chicken, and he was like, “I feel like he is following me. But I’m not sure.” But then he thought, “Maybe if I cross the road, then if he crosses the road, he’s definitely following me.” So he crossed the road. And the black guy went home. He’s just living his life. And the chicken was like, “I’m such a racist.” He felt bad. But about a month later, a black guy ate the chicken. Different black guy. I’m just telling you what happened. Wait, wait. Don’t be upset coz this is not a racist joke. This joke is not racist. The chicken was racist. The chicken was definitely racist. But that’s chickens. Chickens are very closed down, sort of suspicious and prejudice. You kind of can’t blame them considering that their species murder rate is 100%. That’s why chickens are like, [looking around suspiciously] . there’s no friendly chickens. You can feed the same chicken every day. He’s like, “I’m not coming over there, you black son of a bitch. I know what you want! I’m not your soup yet, you jew.”

I like animals. I like thinking about animals. I like wondering what animals are thinking. Nobody knows what any animal thinks. You can ask an animal any question and the conversation is over. I wonder if– the giraffe. The giraffes– Are giraffes up there going, [freaking out] “Whoa! It’s too high! Hey, horse! Horse!” “What, man?” “Look at this. It’s crazy.” “Yeah, your’e a giraffe.” “Yeah, but look at my neck.” “Phrr.” That’s why horses make that noise. If you’re near a horse, and he does that, that’s because you suck.

Does a moose look different when it’s surprised? Did you see a moose? They always have this, [looking around with eyes wide open]. I saw a moose once in person, or in moose. Maybe I was projecting because I was like, “Oh, my god! It’s a moose.” And he looked like he was going. “Oh my god! I’m a moose!” Every moose looks like a dude who just got turned into a moose before you looked at him.

I’m thinking of buying a goat. I’m thinking of buying a goat because I want to have a trash can that I can make love to. So that’s why I’m going to buy a goat. So I can have sex with a trash can. I can do that with a trash can I have now but a goat has a vagina. That makes it a lot better. [crowed disgusted] I don’t care that your’e upset. I’m still getting the goat.

I love doing this. This is my favorite thing to do, standup comedy. I have been doing this for 32 years now. [cheers and applause] And it’s been– 32 years. And it’s been going great for four years. Four years, it has been great. 28 years, I struggled. But you know what? I was happy then too. I was always happy when I was struggling coz when your life sucks, it just sucks. You don’t expect anything else. When your life gets good, you start expecting it till you get unhappy. This is what happens. Like, now I stay in beautiful 5-star hotels and I’m miserable. I used to stay in motels. Not even like a nice motels with like, name Motel 6. I stayed in just Motel. Not even a name. Like they built it and one guy’s like, “What should we name it?” And the other guys is like, “What? Last time you took a dump, did you name it?”

You know those motels that are right on the highway where you ride by and you’re like, “Who is inside of that?” It’s right on the highway. Literally, you open the door and there’s a truck. And when you– There’s a little shower, and as soon as you get in the shower, you’re dirtier now. They give you a little soap and you have to peel off the paper, and then it just makes a rash. You can write your name in a skin disease with the soap. And there’s always two beds and one bed has a big pool of sperm right in the middle of it. I don’t know why. Big deep pool with a current. Hide tide in the sperm pool! Where’s the boats?

I stayed in place like that for years and I was happy. Because what are you going to do? Complain to the motel? What are you gonna do? Call the front desk in a motel? “I want to speak to the manager.” “Well, he’s dead. Somebody duck taped him to a chair and shot him in the head because he owed him $15. Now I stay at beautiful 5-star hotels and I’ miserable, I’m always upset. First of all, I don’t like them. I’m not used to it. I don’t like the fanciness.  I don’t like that they tie your bathrobe into a swan that we have to dismantle. And I don’t like it when you call room service, they have to say a long flowery ‘hello’ before you get to talk about food. This is how they answer the phone at room service at fancy hotel like, “Hello [gibberish].” I hate it! I never let them. I call them, they’re like, “Hello–“. “Stop. Stop. Stop. Coffee. Don’t read it back.” I’m mean.

Also, if you stay in fancy hotels, you get used to it so you start getting upset when things aren’t perfect. Like, one time, my laundry wasn’t there. I had laundry. I was waiting for it. So I called housekeeping. Now they don’t answer the phone all fancy at housekeeping. This is how she answers the phone. She goes, “Hello?” and I actually said this to her. I said, “Do you want to try that again?” Yes, I’m letting you know about me. That’s what I said. “Did I reach you on your personal phone today?” So she says, “What do you need, sir?” And I said, “Well, I don’t have my laundry. And I gave it to you.” She said, “You didn’t give it to me.” I was like, “Oh my god, I’m so excited, coz I get to be really mad.” I said, “I gave it to your department and I was promised–“, like it’s in the constitution that you get your laundry. “I was promised I’d have it in 24 hours and it’s been longer.” She said, “What do you want me to do about it?” So, I got really mad. I said, “Listen, ma’am. First of all, you can hear in my voice that I’m white.” [crowd responding negatively] By the way, I’ll defend that right now. I will defend that. Because look, it’s wrong that white people get preferential treatment. It’s wrong. But as long as they do, what’s going on at this hotel? I’m supposed to get the best. Because I’m white… which is awful and wrong, but where is it right now?

So she got sick of me and she says, “Do you want to speak to manager?” I said yes. So the manager comes on, “Hello, Ned speaking. [gibberish]” I said, “I’m very upset!” He was like, “Oh! I’m so white sorry white sir. What white happened today?” I said, “I don’t have my laundry.” He was like, [freaking out] “Ah!” He said, “I will conduct an investigation.” I was like, “Yes! That’s a very white thing to do. I want a white investigation with my laundry!” So he said, “I will call you back in five minutes or less.” Hmm. So, I was waiting in my room like, [laughing proudly]. The manager calls me back and he says, “Sir, I looked into the matter and I do need to ask you one question. Are you certain that you gave us laundry?” And as soon as he said that, I was like, “I did not give you.”

[cheers and applause]

We have a great show tonight. The Chainsmokers are here. So stick around and we’ll be right back.

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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