Melissa McCarthy’s Mother’s Day Monologue

Melissa McCarthy

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Melissa McCarthy.

[Melissa McCarthy walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Melissa McCarthy: Hello. Hello. Thank you. Wow! Thank you, thank you, thank you. It’s great to be hosting Saturday Night Live for the 5th time which is amazing. But even more than that is it’s amazing that tomorrow is Mother’s Day. Right? And I’m lucky to have two great girls. I’m a mom and I am lucky to be the daughter of a great mom Sandy McCarthy who always sends me flowers on Mother’s Day. I know. It’s so sweet. But you know what? I’m looking out here and I’m seeing all these people and I want to see everyone who is a mother. I want to see you up. I want to see everyone who is a mother up. [Mothers in the audience stand] Let’s cheer these ladies. Come on! Take your moment. Come on. Every single one of these ladies who stood up have not been to the bathroom alone since they gave birth. They haven’t had a hot meal in years. All of our purses are filled with weird cracker crumbs and dirty Purell bottles and that’s okay. Now, what’s your name?

Quarn: Quarn.

Melissa McCarthy: Quarn. How many kids do you have?

Quarn: TWo.

Melissa McCarthy: What are their names?

Quarn: Emma and Sam.

Melissa McCarthy: And are they with you today?

Quarn: They are not.

Melissa McCarthy: [looking at the camera as message to her kids] Shame on you. I don’t get their flowers for like, months. It’ll be great. It’ll be really good. And what is your name?

Joen: Joen.

Melissa McCarthy: Joen. How many kids do you have?

Joen: I have two, also.

Melissa McCarthy: Two, what do you have?

Joen. A girl and a boy, Sarah and Will.

Melissa McCarthy: Oh, Sarah and will. Alright. Now, since my mom can’t be here, I need a little mom time. Can I give you a tour of the SNL back stage that only hosts get to see?

Joen: I would love to.

Melissa McCarthy: Okay. You will be my surrogate mom for the day. Let’s go. We’ve only got 90 seconds. [Melissa McCarthy runs with Joen to the backstage] This is a quick change area, Joen. This is where they rip your clothes off– [Melissa McCarthy opens the curtain, Alec Baldwin dressed as Donald Trump is inside]

Alec: Hi!

Melissa McCarthy: Get your pants on, Alec. They let us steal the clothes too if you just run fast enough. Nobody says anything. Now, this is the paint desk.  You can ask her for anything. Food, transportation, gum.

Joen: Hi.

Melissa McCarthy: What do we want? Oh, foot cream and a bottle of ketchup.

[the staff give them a foot cream and a ketchup.]

Oh, my god. It worked. Okay, that’s for you. Buy guys. Thanks. Let’s keep stealing stuffs. These are some of the cast dressing rooms. Now, this was one of the SNL legends. It’s the hallway llama. [There’s a llama in the hallway]  You can touch her. Just touch her on the neck. She’s had a lot of face work done. She’s an actress. It will eat your hat. Let’s go. We gotta keep going. This is where they do all the cue-cards. This is getting into the paint thing. These are– [They run into Ryan Reynalds and Blake Lively] Hi! Oh my god!

Ryan Reynolds: Hey!

Melissa McCarthy: Oh my god!

[cheers and applause]

Ryan Reynolds: [hugging Joen] Congratulations!

Blake Lively: Happy Mother’s Day!

Joen: Thank you.

Melissa McCarthy: What are you guys doing here?

Ryan Reynolds: You invited us.

Melissa McCarthy: Yes! Yes, I did.

Blake Lively: Do we get seats? Are you gonna get us seats?

Melissa McCarthy: Yes, you will get seats. You wanna watch it from back here. These are the good seats. [Melissa McCarthy starts walking away]  I may have been drinking when I invited them. So, it’s fine.

Joen: Maybe I should give them my seat?

Melissa McCarthy: Oh, don’t give it up. Here, [giving her a shot] The Livelys’ are fine. They can handle it. [Melissa McCarthy and Joen drinks the shot] Oh, dear god!

Joen: Whoo!

Melissa McCarthy: We gotta get past the paint. Okay, Joen, come on. Oh, here’s Mooney. [runs into Kyle Mooney] He just likes to stand here. [You’re gonna have to tell him he is your favorite cast member, or he won’t let us pass.

Joen: You are my favorite.

Kyle: Oh, thank you so much.

Melissa McCarthy: He tends to hang out.

[Kyle hugs Joen tightly]

Okay! Okay! Kyle! Kyle! Too much. Too much. [Joen is laughing] Kyle thinks anyone over 23 might be his mom. So he gets a little creepy sometimes. There’s a lot of stuff. No one has ever been down this stretch before. We’re just gonna say we’re hosting the show. [they run into HAIM] This is our musical guest. Here’s HAIM. Say hello, ladies. Hello, hello, we gotta go. Come up here. Be careful. If we lose you–

Joen: Oh, this way?

Melissa McCarthy: –I’m afraid they won’t pay me. so, get up the stairs, careful, careful. Now, you know where you are?

Joen: No.

Melissa McCarthy: Okay, wait.

Joen: Oh, my god!

Melissa McCarthy: That’s behind the band. You’re gonna host SNL. You’re a mom. You is kind, you is smart, you is important. Hit it!

Joen: Yay!

Male voice: Ladies and gentlemen, Joen!

[Joen walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

[Melissa McCarthy walks in after few seconds]

Melissa McCarthy: Happy Mother’s Day and thanks to all. Thanks to all the great kids for letting us be your mom. Now, read this part with me.

Melissa McCarthy and Joen: We have got a great show. HEIM is here, so stick around and we’ll be right back.