Jan… Kate McKinnon
Vincent… Larry David
Candice…Cecily Strong[Starts with Beck and Jan walking to Vincent and Chris]
Beck: Vincent, there you are. What re we celebrating tonight, bud?
Vincent: You haven’t heard? I got married this past weekend.
Chris: You did what?
Vincent: I met and married a wonderful woman. She opened up a whole new world to me.
Candice: Vincent! Here, pocket square. Oh, my god! Look at you lawyers just serving alley McBeal realness. I’m gagging.
Vincent: Come on, Greg. She’s gagging. Candice is gay famous. She knows all the lingo.
Jan: Okay. And where did you two meet?
Candice: No. The other one. Yes, fool! Greece.
Beck: So, Candice, what do you do?
Vincent: yeah. She does the whole gay circuit. She’s big with the Twinks, daddies and even the techno sluts. You know, the gay world isn’t just one thing. It is a complex tapestry of cultures. You know, like South America. I’ve learned so much from her.
Candice: Yeah, I’m basically the kitty ambassador to the Twink republic of Quank.
Jan: What does that mean?
Vincent: Jan, are you paying attention? She says she is the kitty ambassador of the Twink Republic of Quank.
Jan: Uh-huh. So, does that mean that you’re a singer?
Vincent: Pfft! Singer? She’s an entertainer. Like, later tonight, she’s co-hosting power bottom at Yes Twink.
Candice: Yeah. You guys can come, but you have to bring three friends and they have to be either bus cute or rude. Two out of three. Oh, I got to go. Xavier is almost set up.[Candice leaves]
Chris: Uh, set up?
Vincent: Yeah, yeah. She’s gonna perform for us. Let me ask you something. How old do you think she is?
Beck: Your new wife Candice?
Vincent: Yeah, yeah. She won’t tell me. She’s either 18 or 55. Either way, she’s timeless A.F.
Jan: Alright, well, if you’re happy, then we are happy for you. Cheers.
Beck: We’re here.
Chris: Cheers.[music playing] [Candice walks in with four half nude dancers]
Candice: Hey queers, are you bitches ready to make nasty?
Vincent: Hello? Called a response. Answer her!
Jan: Yes. Yes. We’re here.
Candice: I say, where are my queens?
Vincent: Answer her!
Candice: I said, who is queer in the house?
Chris: Sure, I’ll be, I guess.
Candice: [singing] Boys in high heels getting higher and higher
queens getting snatched as their drag time expires
attention embraces, he’s just as crazy
I only work for the monty, hunty
Oh-oh-oh, say it, oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh, say it, oh-oh
Beck: So, what is this song about?
Vincent: What’s it about? Are you listening? It’s like when you walk into the club and the A list queens and Twinks are up front with the money crowd. And in the back half, you’re trolls and the lowest of the queens. Just haters looking for problems. But she doesn’t do it for the approval, no. No, no, no, no. She does it for the monty and the Givenchy hunty. It’s empowering, man!
Jan: Okay. What’s happening now?
Vincent: Oh, I love this part. She’s simulating sex with all her gay dancers. It’s fun.
Candice: [singing] I bought five tickets for the train
Yi, er, san, su
Beck: Did she just count to five in Mandarin?
Vincent: No. To four. She doesn’t know five.
Beck: Why did she have five tickets for the train then?
Vincent: Because the squad has four queens, plus her makes five. You know what? You know what? Get out! Just get the hell out. [pushing Beck] I want you off the property now. Get the hell out of here. You’re fired. Get out.
Jan: Is everything okay? You got so mad.
Vincent: Yeah. I’m sorry. I took my prep in an empty stomach.
Candice: Vincent, baby, we need to get going. We need to get to my gig.
Vincent: Oh, look at the time. Yeah. We got to go now if we want to be at power bottoms for her. You know, 3:30 AM performance.
Jan: Okay. But we do have a meeting at 6 AM.
Vincent: Yeah, we got that 6 AM meeting, right? You know, we have time to hear one song and then go, which is perfect because after that the club is overrun with thirsty bottom feeders. You know. You know what I’m talking about.
Chris: what is a thirsty bottom feeder?
Vincent: Girl, please. Like you don’t know.