Mrs. Conor… Heidi Gardner
Mikey Day
Grammy… Kate McKinnon
Doctor… Kumail Nanjiani
[Starts with Mrs. Conor and Mikey visiting Grammy in elderly nursing home]
Mrs. Conor: Hey, Grammy.
Mikey: Like you shoes, grammy. Pretty sharp.
[Doctor walks in]
Doctor: I’m really glad you both came by to visit Maureen. I know this is a long driver for you two.
Mikey: Of course, doctor. We’ve got to make sure Grammy knows we still care about her.
Mrs. Conor: So, how has she been? Is she adjusting okay?
Doctor: She’s getting along just fine, Mrs. Conor.
Mrs. Conor: Are you making any friends yet, Grammy?
Doctor: She’s making plenty of friends.
Mikey: She seems a little out of it today. Is she okay?
Doctor: Oh, she’s fine. She’s a little grumpy because she just got her penicillin shot. She doesn’t exactly love needles.
Mrs. Conor: Penicillin? What’s wrong?
Doctor: Just a little gonorrhea. Well, I’ll leave you three alone to sort of–
Mrs. Conor: What?
Mikey: Gonorrhea?
Doctor: There’s no need to panic. It’s very treatable. It should be cleared up in a week or so.
Mikey: How did this happen?
Doctor: We think sex.
Mrs. Conor: She’s 91 years old. [Grammy is smiling]
Doctor: Mrs. Conor, your grandmother may be 91 but she still has a very active sex life.
Mikey: So you let them have sex here?
Doctor: She’s an adult woman of sound mind. She can do whatever she wants. Casual sex between residents is actually very common in nursing homes. It’s really not that big a deal.
Mikey: Well, can’t you at least give them protection so that they are safe?
Doctor: of course, but we can’t make them use it. We can barely get them to put in their teeth. You know how stubborn your grandma can be.
Mikey: So, which one of these old dudes gave my grandma gonorrhea?
Doctor: This time, we don’t know.
Mrs. Conor: Wait. What do you mean this time? She got it more than once?
Doctor: Eight.
Mikey: She got gonorrhea eight times?
Doctor: We’re not exactly sure who is giving it to whom at this point. There’s sort of a round Robin situation between her and six or so other residents.
Mrs. Conor: They’re taking advantage of her.
Doctor: Believe me. Nobody is taking advantage of her, Mrs. Conor. She’s running a train. They’re running a train but she’s the conductor.
[Grammy is giving a bad-ass smile]
Mrs. Conor: They’re all in there at the same time?
Doctor: Would it make you feel any better if I said no?
Mrs. Conor: Yes. It would.
Doctor: I see.
Mrs. Conor: [to Grammy] Grammy, how could you?
Doctor: Mrs. Conor, relax. It’s actually really sweet. After every encounter, the gentlemen even leave her a single rose.
[There are a pile of roses on her table]
Mikey: Oh my god! All of that is for sex? Doctor, what can we do to stop this?
Doctor: She’s not doing anything wrong. And frankly, it is great for morale. Since Maureen has joined the home, riots have been way down. From the residents to the staff, everyone is happier with Maureen around.
Mrs. Conor: She’s not sleeping with staff too?
Doctor: Would it make you feel any better if I said no?
Mrs. Conor: Yes!
Doctor: I see.
Mikey: that’s it. We are taking her out of this nursing home.
Doctor: Well, you can’t do that.
Mrs. Conor: Why can’t we?
Doctor: Because she’s asleep.
[Grammy is acting like she’s asleep]
Mikey: Okay, well then, when she wakes up.
Doctor: Alright, fine. But it’s still gonna happen. Just somewhere else. Your grandma likes to bang. Just let her. Look, getting old is tough. It can get lonely here. A lot of residents here want to give up on life.
Mrs. Conor: Oh.
Mikey: Wow.
Doctor: But then we send your grandmother to their room, and she convinces them that there is still a reason to go on living like only she can. By letting her go nuts on them.
Mikey: That’s disgusting.
Mrs. Conor: Wait. Maybe he’s right.
Mikey: You know, I guess if it really means that much to the home and grammy is happy, then fine by me.
Mrs. Conor: Me too.
Grammy: Me too. Ha-ha!
All: Grammy?
