Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin
David… Kyle Mooney
Malcolm Turnbull… Beck Bennett
Enrique Peña Nieto… Alex Moffat
Angela Merkel… Mate McKinnon
Emmerson Mnangagwa… Kenan Thompson[Starts with Donald Trump in the oval office] [cheers and applause] [David walks in]
David: Excuse me, Mr. President, I’m heading home for the night. Can I get you anything?
Donald Trump: No, thank you, David. But hey, how do you like working at the White House? Are your parents proud?
David: I tell them I work at Applebee’s.
Donald Trump: That’s great. One more thing, you know I love my daughter Ivanka and her husband Jared. They always keep me so calm and make sure I don’t do anything too crazy.
David: That’s true, sir.
Donald Trump: So, quick question, are they gone?
David: Yes, they don’t work on shabbat.
Donald Trump: Perfect. When the Jews are away, the goys will play. So send in Steve Bannon.
Steve Bannon: Hello, Donald. I have arrived.
Donald Trump: Hi Steve, you look rested.
Steve Bannon: Thank you.
Donald Trump: Not me. I’ve had a long day. I’m tired and cranky. And I feel like I could just freak out on somebody.
Steve Bannon: Then maybe you should call Australia.
Donald Trump: Really? I mean, I haven’t been briefed or anything. But, what could go wrong? Let’s do it. Let’s do it.
Malcolm Turnbull: Hello, primi Minister Turnbull.
Donald Trump: Yes, hello. It’s the Donald.
Malcolm Turnbull: President Trump. How are you? I hear there’s been a lot of blowback over your Muslim ban.
Donald Trump: No there wasn’t. Everyone loves it. We had to do it because of that huge massacre at bowling green.
Malcolm Turnbull: Never heard of that one.
Donald Trump: Yeah, it was horrible. So many people died, but actually, they’re the lucky ones. They don’t have to see how bad ‘The Apprentice’ has gotten.
Malcolm Turnbull: Well, Mr. Trump, thank you for still accepting our refugees.
Donald Trump: Homie say what?
Malcolm Turnbull: President Obama said America would accept 1,200 refugees. Your country’s compassion will not be forgotten.
Donald Trump: No, no, no. NO, refugees. America first, Australia sucks, your reef is failing, prepare to go to war.
Malcolm Turnbull: Wait, wait, what?[Cut to Donald Trump and Steve Bannon]
Donald Trump: Steve, I think that went bad. Was that bad?
Steve Bannon: No, it went just according to plan.
Donald Trump: Whose plan? Your plan?
Steve Bannon: No, your plan.
Donald Trump: Oh, okay. Good. Let’s call Mexico. I figured out a smart diplomatic way to get them to pay for this wall.[Donald Trump makes a phone call] [Cut to split screen of Donald Trump and Enrique Peña Nieto]
Enrique Peña Nieto: Ola, President Peña Nieto.
Donald Trump: Guy who’s going to pay for the wall says, “What?”
Enrique Peña Nieto: Que?
Donald Trump: No, guy who’s going to pay for the wall says, “What?”
Enrique Peña Nieto: Que?
Donald Trump: NO, no, you have to say “What?”
Enrique Peña Nieto: Ha-ha-ha. You said “What”, you’re going to pay for the wall.
Donald Trump: No way, you’re paying, loser! You’re bad hombre. Here come our tanks. Prepare to go to war.[Donald Trump hangs up the phone] [Cut to Donald Trump and Steve Bannon]
Donald Trump: Hey, Steve, I’m getting too worked up, maybe I should stop.
Steve Bannon: Or, maybe you should call Germany.
Donald Trump: Okay.[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Angela Merkel]
Angela Merkel: Hello? Is this my sweet Barack? Barack Obama, I miss you.
Donald Trump: No, it’s Donald Trump.
Angela Merkel: Ah! Gross. Hi, Donald. Are your people still protesting?
Donald Trump: Yes, everyone is marching in the street, they’re so upset about how bad ‘The Apprentice’ has gotten. But I’m feeling great. Tomorrow, I’m having lunch with very important up and comer. His name is Frederick Douglas. I’m trying to get hold of him right now. He’s very busy though.
Angela Merkel: Um-hmm. Well, that’s very cool, Donald. I think I should– I have to go.
Donald Trump: Also, I want to be serious for just a moment. Last week, it was holocaust remembrance day. As you know, 6 million were at my inauguration. I mean, there were so many people at my inauguration, the media refuses to cover it, so unfair. One day I’m going to write a memoir about this struggle and call it ‘My Struggle.’ What would that be in German? Angela?
Angela Merkel: It’s actually Angela (An-Gel-la).
Donald Trump: what?
Angela Merkel: My name is Angela.
Donald Trump: No, no, don’t correct me. I’m in charge now, Germany sucks, your wall failed, prepare to go to war.[Donald Trump hangs up the phone.] [Cut to Donald Trump and Steve Bannon]
Steve Bannon: Good. That was hilarious.
Donald Trump: Thank you, Steve. Thank you. Oh, I just had a great idea, watch this.[Donald Trump is making a phone call]
Emmerson Mnangagwa: Hello?
Donald Trump: Hello, congratulations, you’ve won a free cruise for tour to Hawaii. All you need is your country’s credit card number.[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Enrique Peña Nieto]
Enrique Peña Nieto: We’re not paying for the wall, Donald.
Donald Trump: Yes, you are![Donald Trump hangs up the phone] [Cut to Donald Trump and Steve Bannon]
Steve, all of our so-called allies are being so mean to me.
Steve Bannon: Why don’t you call some random little country, show them who’s the boss?
Donald Trump: What about Zimbabwe?
Steve Bannon: Perfect! Show them the might of America![Donald Trump is making a phone call] [Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Emmerson Mnangagwa]
Emmerson Mnangagwa: Hello.
Donald Trump: Zimbabwe, this is new sheriff in town.
Emmerson Mnangagwa: Wait, is this Donald Trump?
Donald Trump: Yes.
Emmerson Mnangagwa: You think you are dictator? I will rip out your spine and drink from your skull. You cannot even walk downstairs you little white bitch! Don’t you ever call Zimbabwe again.[Emmerson Mnangagwa hangs up the phone] [Cut to Donald Trump and Steve Bannon]
Steve Bannon: Okay, Donald. That’s enough fun for tonight. Can I have my desk back?
Donald Trump: Yes, of course, Mr. President. I’ll go sit at my desk, yeah.[Donald Trump leaves the president’s seat for Steve Bannon] [Donald Trump sits at a little desk that’s beside president’s desk] [Donald Trump is playing with toys]
So much fun, I love it.
Steve Bannon: Yeah, this is fun. And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!