Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin
Paul Manafort… Alex Moffat
Mike Pence… Beck Bennett
Jeff Sessions… Kate McKinnon
Cecily Strong[Starts with Donald Trump visiting Paul Manafort] [door bell ringing. Paul Manafort opens the door. Donald Trump walks in with two security guards.]
Paul Manafort: Oh, Mr. President?
Donald Trump: Hey, Paul. I just came by to check up on you.[cheers and applause]
Paul Manafort: Um, of course. I’m embarrassed. I only wore a casual $10,000 suit, you know? I thought you were on your way to Asia.
Donald Trump: Everybody does. But in fact, I sent Melania along with a very convincing look alike.
Melania: Donald, why are you so quiet? Okay, then for the first time in 10 years, let me tell you about my day.[Cut to Donald Trump and Paul Manafort]
Donald Trump: Paul, believe me. My staff is much happier that that look alike is going. They were terrified that when I got to Gina (mocking China) I would do the slant eyes thing like the guy on the Houston Astros. Hilarious, by the way.
Paul Manafort: Oh, yeah.
Donald Trump: Politically correct now. Everything is so politically correct. I’m surprised you can even say ‘Oriental rugs’ anymore. By the way, these are fantastic. [talking about the carpet]
Paul Manafort: Oh, yeah. Thanks. I got a great deal, only a million bucks because I paid cash.
Donald Trump: God, you screwed. Just so, so screwed. It’s a shame. You are going to prison because I was about to give you a huge tax break. We’re calling my tax plan cut, cut, cut, because it was named while I was having a small stroke. Speaking of cuts, do you have a good shiv you can bring with you to prison with you Paul? Because after the stuff I said about certain ethnic groups, they re going to go to town on you in prison.
Paul Manafort: Well, listen. Whatever happens, sir, I won’t betray you.
Donald Trump: I trust you, Paul. But just in case we re going to have to take this conversation somewhere else.
Paul Manafort: But I’m under house arrest. I’m wearing an ankle bracelet.
Donald Trump: We’re not leaving the house. Besides, everyone thinks I just left Hawaii.[Cut to Melania sitting in airplane with a pillow Donald Trump]
Melania: This whole trip, you were so dignified, you know? When we were in Hawaii and they offered you a ley, you didn’t make the usual tasteless joke. Also, you didn’t call Pearl Harbor fake news. And for once, you didn’t finish my dinner. Who knew that just by keeping your mouth shut, you could seem so presidential. Donald, have you been working out? Oh, Donald, I hope I remember how to do this.[Melania leans towards Donald Trump] [Cut to Donald Trump and Paul Manafort in the shower topless.]
Donald Trump: I brought you to the shower to make sure you weren’t wearing a wire, Paul. That’s why we’re going to do this Gone Girl’s style.
Paul Manafort: Mr. President, I would never do that with you.
Donald Trump: That’s what she said. Like a whole bunch of she’s have said that. Speaking of which, what an idiot that Harvey Weinstein is. He could have gotten away with all of it if ony he had gotten himself elected president. Body wash?[Donald Trump passes the body wash to Paul Manafort]
I have a proposition for you, Paul. All I need from you is to go to prison for a very, very long time. In return, I still get to be president which I hate but I’m too proud do quit. Does that sound fair?
Paul Manafort: Well, Mr. President–[Mike Pence walks in the shower]
Mike Pence: Here, let me get your back. [Mike Pence takes the scrubber and scrubs Paul Manafort’s back]
Paul Manafort: Mike Pence? Why are you wearing a suit in the shower?
Mike Pence: Well, because I’m not married to the water.
Donald Trump: I wanted Mike to get his hands dirty too, okay? Because if I’m going down, I’m taking church lady with me. Mike, say cheese. [Donald Trump takes a picture of Paul Manafort and Mike Pence] There we go. If you say anything about this, Mike, I’ll text that photo straight to Jesus.
Paul Manafort: Well, Mr. President, can’t you just pardon me?
Donald Trump: Unfortunately, it’s not that simple. But we have a plan. A great plan. Isn’t that right, Jeff?[Jeff Sessions joins them in the shower]
Jeff Sessions: Yes, Mr. President. Do you want a loofah?
Donald Trump: I’m all your’s, Jeff. I’m all your’s.
Jeff Sessions: Alright. Hi. I’m wearing a bathing costume that I got from my favorite place, the 1890s. Plus, I thought we should all get used to wearing stripes.
Donald Trump: Don’t worry. You won’t go to prison, Jeff.
Jeff Sessions: Oh, I know. Coz I’m a sneaky lying little villain. If mean old Mr. Mueller comes after me, I’m just going to roll over and play dead like half possum that I am.
Donald Trump: As Jeff has pointed out, I can’t pardon you now. It would look too suspicious.
Jeff Sessions: Yeah. So we concocted a genius solution, Mr. Manafort. I dropped my loofah. Oh, don’t worry. My trustee little tail is going to get it. [Jeff Sessions has a tail that is holding the loofah behind him] Now, as I was saying, we have an ingenious solution.
Donald Trump: Here’s the plan, Paul. I can’t pardon you now. But we’re gonna wait a few weeks and then dress you up like a turkey. And then, we’ll pardon you.
Jeff Sessions: It is a foolproof plan.
Donald Trump: Well, there is a small chance that I’ll screw that up too and my family will end up eating you for thanksgiving. So hang in there, Paul. And–
All: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night!