Porn Pizza Delivery

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Jasmine… Heidi Gardner

Delivery boy… Chance the Rapper

Aidy Bryant

Beck Bennett

Alex Moffat

Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Skank Babysitter 17 intro] [Cut to Jasmine sitting on a couch]

Jasmine: The kid I’m babysitting is finally asleep. Now I can study for college. [doorbell ringing] Who could that be?

[Jasmine walks to the door and opens it. A pizza delivery guy walks in.]

Delivery boy: Pizza delivery. I got extra large sausage just for you.

Jasmine: For the 17th, I didn’t order any pizza.

Delivery boy: Well, I would hate for all this sausage to go to waste.

Jasmine: Oh, wait. I know somewhere we can put it.

Delivery boy: Oh, yeah?

Jasmine: Freak, yeah!

[Aidy walks in]

Aidy: Whoa! Ms. Jasmine, you ordered us a pizza? You’re the coolest babysitter ever.

Delivery boy: What?

Aidy: Wait a minute. We already ate dinner. Aren’t you full?

Jasmine: Yeah. But I want to be stuffed

Aidy: Whatever you say, Ms. Jasmine, I love pizza.

Delivery boy: It’s an extra, extra large. Almost nine inches.

Jasmine: Oh, yeah.

Delivery boy: Freak, yeah.

Aidy: Nine inches? That sounds more like personal pan to me. Is that really enough for both of us?

Jasmine: Don’t talk back. I’m in charge even though I’m only 19.

Aidy: What? I saw your driver’s license, you’re 39. Anyway, I’m gonna go get some plates. Be right back, Ms. Jasmine.

Jasmine: Um, come over here, pizza guy.

Delivery boy: Okay, so, what do you think about my pizza delivery?

Jasmine: It was good. You came so fast.

Delivery boy: Sorry about that. It’s been three days since I delivered a pizza.

Jasmine: Oh, yeah.

Delivery boy: Freak yeah.

[Aidy walks in again]

Aidy: Whoa! Are you staying to eat the pizza with us?

Delivery boy: Um, yeah.

Aidy: Oh, cool. Make yourself at home. I’m sorry, we only have this black heather couch and two fake plants and no rugs or TV or anything.

Delivery boy: That’s okay. I’ll do it anywhere they tell me.

Aidy: Oh, that’s the spirit. [Aidy opens the pizza box. The pizza has a hole in the middle.] Umm– whoa, wait a minute. There’s a hole in the middle of this pizza.

Delivery boy: That’s for the sausage.

Jasmine: Oh, yeah.

Delivery boy: Freak yeah.

Aidy: Hold one. Ms. Jasmine, we’re getting ripped off. Don’t tip this guy.

Delivery boy: No, I give her the tip.

Aidy: Wait, you do? So, you bring us the pizza and we get a tip? Never mind, you guys are the best pizza place ever. That’s your pizza place called?

Delivery boy: [Looking at his shirt. There is no name, just ‘Pizza’.] Pizza.

Aidy: I know. But what’s the restaurant?

Delivery boy: Pizza.

Aidy: Whatever you say.

Jasmine: Did you bring me any dessert, big boy?

Delivery boy: I sure did. 100 pounds of chocolate. [pointing at himself]

Aidy: You brought chocolate too? Oh, you’re the best delivery guy ever.

Delivery boy: I’m not just a delivery guy. I’m also a masseuse, a bus driver and a step-son.

Aidy: Whoa, Ms. Jasmine’s a bus driver too.

Jasmine: I don’t drive. I just lay down in the back.

Aidy: Oh, wow. Well, that’s a job, sign me up. [doorbell ringing] Oh, it’s a door bell. I’ll get it.

[Aidy walks to the door and opens it. Three men walk in.]

Beck: Did someone call a plumber?

Alex: And a handy man.

Kyle: And order a package?

Aidy: Wow you guys are still on the clock this late? You work really hard.

Beck: So hard.

Alex: Super hard.

Kyle: And I’m just medium hard. But they can cut around it.

Aidy: Okay, well don’t mind me. I’ll just be here eating some pizza.

Jasmine: Oh, yeah.

Aidy: It’s really cold.

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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