Jasmine… Heidi Gardner
Delivery boy… Chance the Rapper
Aidy Bryant
Beck Bennett
Alex Moffat
Kyle Mooney
[Starts with Skank Babysitter 17 intro]
[Cut to Jasmine sitting on a couch]
Jasmine: The kid I’m babysitting is finally asleep. Now I can study for college. [doorbell ringing] Who could that be?
[Jasmine walks to the door and opens it. A pizza delivery guy walks in.]
Delivery boy: Pizza delivery. I got extra large sausage just for you.
Jasmine: For the 17th, I didn’t order any pizza.
Delivery boy: Well, I would hate for all this sausage to go to waste.
Jasmine: Oh, wait. I know somewhere we can put it.
Delivery boy: Oh, yeah?
Jasmine: Freak, yeah!
[Aidy walks in]
Aidy: Whoa! Ms. Jasmine, you ordered us a pizza? You’re the coolest babysitter ever.
Delivery boy: What?
Aidy: Wait a minute. We already ate dinner. Aren’t you full?
Jasmine: Yeah. But I want to be stuffed
Aidy: Whatever you say, Ms. Jasmine, I love pizza.
Delivery boy: It’s an extra, extra large. Almost nine inches.
Jasmine: Oh, yeah.
Delivery boy: Freak, yeah.
Aidy: Nine inches? That sounds more like personal pan to me. Is that really enough for both of us?
Jasmine: Don’t talk back. I’m in charge even though I’m only 19.
Aidy: What? I saw your driver’s license, you’re 39. Anyway, I’m gonna go get some plates. Be right back, Ms. Jasmine.
Jasmine: Um, come over here, pizza guy.
Delivery boy: Okay, so, what do you think about my pizza delivery?
Jasmine: It was good. You came so fast.
Delivery boy: Sorry about that. It’s been three days since I delivered a pizza.
Jasmine: Oh, yeah.
Delivery boy: Freak yeah.
[Aidy walks in again]
Aidy: Whoa! Are you staying to eat the pizza with us?
Delivery boy: Um, yeah.
Aidy: Oh, cool. Make yourself at home. I’m sorry, we only have this black heather couch and two fake plants and no rugs or TV or anything.
Delivery boy: That’s okay. I’ll do it anywhere they tell me.
Aidy: Oh, that’s the spirit. [Aidy opens the pizza box. The pizza has a hole in the middle.] Umm– whoa, wait a minute. There’s a hole in the middle of this pizza.
Delivery boy: That’s for the sausage.
Jasmine: Oh, yeah.
Delivery boy: Freak yeah.
Aidy: Hold one. Ms. Jasmine, we’re getting ripped off. Don’t tip this guy.
Delivery boy: No, I give her the tip.
Aidy: Wait, you do? So, you bring us the pizza and we get a tip? Never mind, you guys are the best pizza place ever. That’s your pizza place called?
Delivery boy: [Looking at his shirt. There is no name, just ‘Pizza’.] Pizza.
Aidy: I know. But what’s the restaurant?
Delivery boy: Pizza.
Aidy: Whatever you say.
Jasmine: Did you bring me any dessert, big boy?
Delivery boy: I sure did. 100 pounds of chocolate. [pointing at himself]
Aidy: You brought chocolate too? Oh, you’re the best delivery guy ever.
Delivery boy: I’m not just a delivery guy. I’m also a masseuse, a bus driver and a step-son.
Aidy: Whoa, Ms. Jasmine’s a bus driver too.
Jasmine: I don’t drive. I just lay down in the back.
Aidy: Oh, wow. Well, that’s a job, sign me up. [doorbell ringing] Oh, it’s a door bell. I’ll get it.
[Aidy walks to the door and opens it. Three men walk in.]
Beck: Did someone call a plumber?
Alex: And a handy man.
Kyle: And order a package?
Aidy: Wow you guys are still on the clock this late? You work really hard.
Beck: So hard.
Alex: Super hard.
Kyle: And I’m just medium hard. But they can cut around it.
Aidy: Okay, well don’t mind me. I’ll just be here eating some pizza.
Jasmine: Oh, yeah.
Aidy: It’s really cold.
