Mikey Day
Luke Null
Kyle Mooney
Kenan Thompson
Leslie Jones
Saoirse Ronan
Chris Redd
Aidy Bryant
Cecily Strong
Pete Davidson
Heidi Gardner
Kate McKinnon
[Starts with some people in line at a mart’s return/exchange counter]
Mikey: Sir, I’m sorry, but we cannot accept any returns or exchanges without a receipt. Our store policy, man.
Luke: Man, that’s such a bull-crap. I’m sopping at Walmart from now on. That’s a better mart.
[Luke walks out]
Mikey: Okay, sir. You’re free to do that. Next in line, return or exchange?
Kyle: I’d like to return these [in loud voice] magnum condoms. Guys like me need bigger condoms. Do you see a bigger size?
Mikey: I don’t think so, man.
Kyle: [in loud voice] Dang, so the biggest condoms you sell are too small for me? I guess I’ll just have to go online to a bot guy website and see if I can find some there.
[Kyle walks out]
Mikey: Okay. Good luck with that. Next.
[Kenan walks front]
Kenan: Well, I hope that you have had a good life. You people have sold me a woman’s hand muff. Now that you’ve had your fun, kindly point me towards the men’s muff section please.
Mikey: Yeah, I don’t think we have those, sir.
Kenan: Oh, so you’re all sold out? Perfect!
[Kenan walks out]
Mikey: Hello.
[Leslie storms in]
Leslie: These diapers leak. Not to mention, my baby looks ridiculous in them.
Mikey: Um, these are adult diapers, ma’am.
Leslie: Man, what the kind of hell of an adult be dooking in his pants?
Mikey: I think when some people get older, it just happens. Either way, I’ll give you store credit, okay ma’am?
[Mikey hands Leslie over a paper. Leslie takes is angrily.]
Next please.
[Saoirse and Chris walk in]
Saoirse: Hi. I bought my boyfriend this men’s cologne because I thought he was a man. But he’s actually a bitch on the rags, so I’d like to exchange it for these tampons.
Mikey: Alright.
Chris: Babe, why are you doing this?
Saoirse: Because the man protects his woman.
Chris: Babe, a drunk guy spilled a drink on your shoe, I’m not gonna kick his ass for that.
Saoirse: Right, yeah. Because you’re a little girl who needs her tampons.
Mikey: [passing the tampons] Okay, you guys are all set.
Saoirse: Great, thanks. [to Chris] I’m leaving. Don’t follow me. [Saoirse walks away while Chris just looks around] [yelling] Are you coming?
Chris: Yes! I don’t know what to do, man!
[Saoirse and Chris leave]
Mikey: Next, ma’am. Hello.
[Aidy walks in. He has a parrot on her shoulder and it has pooped all over her shoulder.]
Aidy: Hello. I will not go into detail, but let’s just say that the brand of bird seed doesn’t agree with my parrot’s stomach.
Mikey: Yeah. I can see that. I can give you store credit.
Aidy: Okay. Wonderful. And can you just point me in the direction of women’s shirts, carpet cleaner and I guess, unfortunately, mouth wash.
Mikey: Oh, they’re all out in the store, ma’am. Thank you. Next.
[Aidy walks out. Cecily walks in taking a selfie video.]
Cecily: Okay, Facebook live.
Mikey: No, don’t.
Cecily: Get ready to watch a customer begging out her right.
Mikey: Ma’am. Stop doing–
Cecily: What? What? Can I talk?
Mikey: Can you just stop?
Cecily: Can I talk? Oh, can I talk?
Mikey: You come in here a lot.
Cecily: Coz y’all told me to test it, right? Watch, does this say goodbye to stains?
[Cecily opens a pan and tries to cover her shirt stain writing on it]
Look, stain. I’m stain. It ain’t doing nothing. Stain.
Mikey: You can’t rub it on mustard.
Cecily: And y’all trynna’ charge me $100?
Mikey: No, it didn’t cost $100.
Cecily: Oh, he calling me a liar. Facebook live. Say it again. It’s on Facebook live.
Mikey: No, I’m not calling you a liar.
Cecily: You know what? That’s racial discrimination. Find this man.
Mikey: Racial? You’re white!
Cecily: You don’t know that. Find this man! You going viral! You going– He going– You going viral!
[Cecily leaves]
Mikey: Okay. I’m not going viral. Next.
[Pete and Heidi walk in. Heidi has pregnant belly.]
Pete: Yo! These pregnancy test don’t work, man!
Mikey: Okay. Did you read the instructions?
Pete: Dude, yes. I’m not stupid. I read the instructions. I took it out, I peed on it, I waited 15 minutes and nothing happened.
Mikey: Oh wait, dude, you peed on it? No, she got to pee on it, man.
Heidi: I freaking told you, you freaking idiot! Now we’ll never know.
[Pete and Heidi storm out]
Mikey: [looking at Heidi’s belly.] Yeah. She’s pregnant, man. Um, you’re next.
[Cut to Kate at the doorway. She is an old lady on automated wheelchair.]
Kate: These jeans are too baggy. I look like an urban in them.
Mikey: Alright, can you just come up a little closer?
Kate: You’re the boss.
[Kate moves forward on her wheelchair and hits Mikey’s counter. Wheelchair’s airbag is triggered.]
Mikey: You did it again.
[Cecily walks in again taking selfie video]
Cecily: Oh, watch! Watch! Facebook live, he just killed that old lady. Y’all can see that? You’re going viral!
Mikey: No, I didn’t.
Cecily: He’s going viral.
Mikey: She’s not dead.
