Return Counter


Mikey Day

Luke Null

Kyle Mooney

Kenan Thompson

Leslie Jones

Saoirse Ronan

Chris Redd

Aidy Bryant

Cecily Strong

Pete Davidson

Heidi Gardner

Kate McKinnon

[Starts with some people in line at a mart’s return/exchange counter]

Mikey: Sir, I’m sorry, but we cannot accept any returns or exchanges without a receipt. Our store policy, man.

Luke: Man, that’s such a bull-crap. I’m sopping at Walmart from now on. That’s a better mart.

[Luke walks out]

Mikey: Okay, sir. You’re free to do that. Next in line, return or exchange?

Kyle: I’d like to return these [in loud voice] magnum condoms. Guys like me need bigger condoms. Do you see a bigger size?

Mikey: I don’t think so, man.

Kyle: [in loud voice] Dang, so the biggest condoms you sell are too small for me? I guess I’ll just have to go online to a bot guy website and see if I can find some there.

[Kyle walks out]

Mikey: Okay. Good luck with that. Next.

[Kenan walks front]

Kenan: Well, I hope that you have had a good life. You people have sold me a woman’s hand muff. Now that you’ve had your fun, kindly point me towards the men’s muff section please.

Mikey: Yeah, I don’t think we have those, sir.

Kenan: Oh, so you’re all sold out? Perfect!

[Kenan walks out]

Mikey: Hello.

[Leslie storms in]

Leslie: These diapers leak. Not to mention, my baby looks ridiculous in them.

Mikey: Um, these are adult diapers, ma’am.

Leslie: Man, what the kind of hell of an adult be dooking in his pants?

Mikey: I think when some people get older, it just happens. Either way, I’ll give you store credit, okay ma’am?

[Mikey hands Leslie over a paper. Leslie takes is angrily.]

Next please.

[Saoirse and Chris walk in]

Saoirse: Hi. I bought my boyfriend this men’s cologne because I thought he was a man. But he’s actually a bitch on the rags, so I’d like to exchange it for these tampons.

Mikey: Alright.

Chris: Babe, why are you doing this?

Saoirse: Because the man protects his woman.

Chris: Babe, a drunk guy spilled a drink on your shoe, I’m not gonna kick his ass for that.

Saoirse: Right, yeah. Because you’re a little girl who needs her tampons.

Mikey: [passing the tampons] Okay, you guys are all set.

Saoirse: Great, thanks. [to Chris] I’m leaving. Don’t follow me. [Saoirse walks away while Chris just looks around] [yelling] Are you coming?

Chris: Yes! I don’t know what to do, man!

[Saoirse and Chris leave]

Mikey: Next, ma’am. Hello.

[Aidy walks in. He has a parrot on her shoulder and it has pooped all over her shoulder.]

Aidy: Hello. I will not go into detail, but let’s just say that the brand of bird seed doesn’t agree with my parrot’s stomach.

Mikey: Yeah. I can see that. I can give you store credit.

Aidy: Okay. Wonderful. And can you just point me in the direction of women’s shirts, carpet cleaner and I guess, unfortunately, mouth wash.

Mikey: Oh, they’re all out in the store, ma’am. Thank you. Next.

[Aidy walks out. Cecily walks in taking a selfie video.]

Cecily: Okay, Facebook live.

Mikey: No, don’t.

Cecily: Get ready to watch a customer begging out her right.

Mikey: Ma’am. Stop doing–

Cecily: What? What? Can I talk?

Mikey: Can you just stop?

Cecily: Can I talk? Oh, can I talk?

Mikey: You come in here a lot.

Cecily: Coz y’all told me to test it, right? Watch, does this say goodbye to stains?

[Cecily opens a pan and tries to cover her shirt stain writing on it]

Look, stain. I’m stain. It ain’t doing nothing. Stain.

Mikey: You can’t rub it on mustard.

Cecily: And y’all trynna’ charge me $100?

Mikey: No, it didn’t cost $100.

Cecily: Oh, he calling me a liar. Facebook live. Say it again. It’s on Facebook live.

Mikey: No, I’m not calling you a liar.

Cecily: You know what? That’s racial discrimination. Find this man.

Mikey: Racial? You’re white!

Cecily: You don’t know that. Find this man! You going viral! You going– He going– You going viral!

[Cecily leaves]

Mikey: Okay. I’m not going viral. Next.

[Pete and Heidi walk in. Heidi has pregnant belly.]

Pete: Yo! These pregnancy test don’t work, man!

Mikey: Okay. Did you read the instructions?

Pete: Dude, yes. I’m not stupid. I read the instructions. I took it out, I peed on it, I waited 15 minutes and nothing happened.

Mikey: Oh wait, dude, you peed on it? No, she got to pee on it, man.

Heidi: I freaking told you, you freaking idiot! Now we’ll never know.

[Pete and Heidi storm out]

Mikey: [looking at Heidi’s belly.] Yeah. She’s pregnant, man. Um, you’re next.

[Cut to Kate at the doorway. She is an old lady on automated wheelchair.]

Kate: These jeans are too baggy. I look like an urban in them.

Mikey: Alright, can you just come up a little closer?

Kate: You’re the boss.

[Kate moves forward on her wheelchair and hits Mikey’s counter. Wheelchair’s airbag is triggered.]

Mikey: You did it again.

[Cecily walks in again taking selfie video]

Cecily: Oh, watch! Watch! Facebook live, he just killed that old lady. Y’all can see that? You’re going viral!

Mikey: No, I didn’t.

Cecily: He’s going viral.

Mikey: She’s not dead.

How useful was this post?

Click on a star to rate it!

Average rating 0 / 5. Vote count: 0

No votes so far! Be the first to rate this post.

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

Notify of
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Would love your thoughts, please comment.x