Mike Pence… Beck Bennett
Roy Moore… Mikey Day
Jeff Sessions… Kate McKinnon[Starts with Heidi and Mike Pence in Vice President’s office]
Heidi: Mr. Vice President, Alabama senate candidate Roy Moore is here.
Mike Pence: Great, send him in.[Roy Moore walks in. he is wearing a cowboy hat.[ [Heidi walks out.] [cheers and applause]
Roy Moore: How are you doing, Mike?
Mike Pence: Roy, I don’t have to tell you that the senate hangs in the balance. We are trying to pass a tax reform plan this year to bring Mr. Trump’s list of big legislative accomplishments to one. We can’t lose your seat this December.
Roy Moore: Yes, sir.
Mike Pence: Now, I know you’re Bannon’s guy but this latest news about you is concerning. Voters in Alabama will never elect someone who has had relations with a minor.
Roy Moore: You sure about that?
Mike Pence: No. Alabama is quite a place. But we can’t take chances.
Roy Moore: Mike, look, it’s all lies. I’m not that guy.
Mike Pence: Perhaps, roy, perhaps. But it’s hard to convince people that you are not into young girls when you dress like Woody from Toy Story.
Roy Moore: Come on. The left wing media loves to repeat these sexual harassment stories. There is a new every day, Mike.
Mike Pence: I know, even I heard about Louis C.K. and I’m only allowed to listen to the TV. But this girl who accused you was 14 years old, Roy. You have got to do the right thing here.
Roy Moore: Alright. If everyone thinks I did it, I’ll marry her.
Mike Pence: No, Roy, no. No, Roy. I want you to consider stepping aside. Don’t think of it as ending your campaign. Think of it as going to conversion therapy to turn yourself into someone who is no longer a candidate.
Roy Moore: I mean, come on, sir, do we have to do it this way? Can’t we just call the boss?
Mike Pence: Sorry, I’m not going to call Vladimir Putin about this. Now, I can’t make you do anything, Roy, but I want you to think long and hard about this. I will give you a couple of minutes to consider.
Roy Moore: Oh, dang! What a pickle this is. What am I gonna do?[Jeff Sessions comes out of a cupboard] [cheers and applause]
Jeff Sessions: You’re gonna drop out, that’s what you’re gonna do.
Roy Moore: Hey, Jeff Sessions, what are you doing here?
Jeff Sessions: Well, I was just doing what I always do. Cooking up nightmares for children. It’s good I”m here because I have been meaning to talk to you. Have a seat.
Roy Moore: alright.
Jeff Sessions: Now, Roy, you’ve been doing some controversial stuff. You wave a gun around on stage. Tell folks Muslims shouldn’t be allowed in the congress and that9/11 was god’s punishment for sodomy. I love it. You check a lot of boxes for me, Roy.
Roy Moore: Thank you, Jeff.
Jeff Sessions: But, this is really bad. I’m usually the creepiest one in the room bu tI look at you and I’m like, “Oh, my god.” I got the goose flesh. They say you even admitted to being with a couple of 16 year olds.
Roy Moore: Oh, come on, Jeff. You know I was just kidding.
Jeff Sessions: Ah! Alright, that’s a relief.
Roy Moore: No. Kidding is the term I use for dating young ladies.
Jeff Sessions: Alright! Alright, get on out of here. I’m Alabama but you, sir, are too Alabama. Get out. [Roy Moore walks out] Get on. Leave me to my Gerrymandering. Oh, Papa, I need some advice. [Jeff Sessions pulls out an animal doll] Papa, what’s going on? I want to be happy again. I want to go back to the senate, daddy. I’ll be good. I’ll talk to Kamala Harris. I promise. But there are so many men out there acting like monsters. Harvey Weinstein, Kevin Spacey, the president. Daddy, has this been happening forever? Have I and benefitted from a system of oppression? No? Well, that’s a relief. I love you daddy. Live from New York, it’s Saturday night.