Scrudge… Beck Bennett
Michael… Kyle Mooney
Kevin… Alex Moffat
Derek… Chris Redd
Anna… Heidi Gardner
James Franco[Starts with Scrudge reading a book in a dark room. He looks like a scary man in horror movies.] [door knocking]
Scrudge: Hey, go away! [door knocking] [Scrudge walks to the door and opens it. It’s Michael.]
Michael: Hey, man. Sorry to bother you. Um, we’re about to head over to this Christmas party.
Scrudge: [interrupting] Cool. Bye!
Michael: [speaking from outside the door] I was just thinking if you don’t have any plans, you’re more than welcome to come. We don’t get to kick it that much anymore. It can be fun, you know?
Scrudge: Fine![Cut to Kevin and Derek all ready for the party. Michael walks in.]
Kevin: [to Michael] You ready?
Michael: Um, just a few more minutes. I think my roommate is coming with us.
Derek: Seriously? You invited Scrudge?
Michael: Come on. It’s Christmas. The guy doesn’t have any friends.
Derek: Yeah, because he’s a nightmare, man![Scrudge walks in wearing nice clothes and a hat.]
Scrudge: Wad up, players? Kevin, Derek, still really boring? Cool. Let’s get faded.[Cut to the party. Anna opens the door.]
Michael: Hey! We come bearing gifts.
Scrudge: Anna, your place looks so inexpensive.
Scrudge: Oh! And ugly Christmas sweater. So brave of you to do something so played out.[Scrudge is opening a bottle of liquor. He looks at a girl. The girl is waving at him.]
Oh, no! Katy’s here. We hooked up like, once. And now she won’t stop texting me. It’s like, “Hey.” “Hi.” “What are you doing?” “You know what I’m doing. I see you watching my Insta stories.” Argh! Another reason to get blacked out.
Michael: Just try not to be dick to everyone tonight, please?
Scrudge: Duh! Bumble Dog.[Scrudge walks to the TV set]
Hey, Heather. Dope DVD collection. I can’t believe there are other Wes Anderson fans out there. [showing a DVD of the movie Life Aquatic.] Let me guess, you like the soundtracks too? Coz you and your friends suck?
Oh, I see what’s going on here. [stops Mikey] Mind if I sneak like, just a little tini tiny key bump?
Mikey: Um, yeah. We don’t have much left coz–[Mikey gives Scrudge a tiny packet of cocaine. Scrudge just takes it and goes inside the bathroom. Mikey is waiting for him to get out and give him his packet back. But Scrudge comes out and just walks by.]
Hey, dude! Can I get that bag back?
Scrudge: Dude, what? I gave it back to you.
Mikey: No, you didn’t.
Scrudge: Yeah, dude. I literally, like, just gave it back to you. Are you like, high dude?[Scrudge walks away]
Mikey: What?[Cut to the rooftop. James is smoking a cigarette. Scrudge walks to him.]
Scrudge: Hey, can I bum a cigarette?[James looks at his packet]
James: I got one left.[Scrudge takes that cigarette]
Scrudge: Oh, that’s all I need.
James: Hey, Scrudge, yo’re kind of an asshole.
Scrudge: Wow, everybody has been dying to know what the sad lonely roof guy thinks. And I get to hear it first? #winning #Tygablood. Ha-ha-ha. Fuck you, loser!
James: Why don’t you take a look downstairs. You might not be as cool as you think.[Scrudge looks down to the party. He sees people making fun of him.]
Mikey: I’m Scrudge. I make everyone feel uncomfortable.
Anna: Is he like a thousand years old?
Kevin: [to Michael] You would know this, does he own a toothbrush?
Michael: He’s just my roommate. He’s not really my friend. I don’t even know how much longer I want to live with him.
Scrudge: [to himself in the rooftop] Michael?
James: [to Scrudge] It’s not too late, Scrudge.
Scrudge: [singing] What have I become?[Scrudge looks at James. James gets wings and he flies away.] [Scrudge walks back to the party]
Everybody, please listen. I have something to say. [everybody look at him.] I’m sorry. I’ve been awful to each and everyone of you. But tonight, thanks to you, I’ve realized that the true meaning of Christmas is to spend time with those you love. Which is why, I shouldn’t be here. I’m sorry.[Michael tries to stop Scrudge. But as Scrudge turns around, he is showing his butt off his pants to everyone.]
Truly, really sorry everyone.