Sarah Huckabee Sanders… Aidy Bryant
Sean Spicer… Melissa McCarthy
Glenn… Bobby Moynihan
Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin[Starts with a message video]
Male voice: We now join the White House press briefing where Sarah Huckabee Sanders is filling in for Sean Spicer.[Cut to Sarah Huckabee Sanders walking to the podium]
Sarah Huckabee Sanders: Okay, good morning, guys. It’s an honor to be here today. And for those of you who don’t know me, my father is Mike Huckabee and my mother is a big souther hamburger. Okay? And yes, obviously, I”m hilarious like my daddy. Now, I am filling in for Sean today. As you know, Sean is fulfilling his duty as an officer in the Naval reserve and that is why he cannot be here today.
Cecily: I’m pretty sure I can see him hiding in those bushes.[Sean Spicer is looking inside through the window from behind the bushes]
Sarah Huckabee Sanders: I believe that’s a naval exercise. He’s trying to blend in with his surroundings, okay? Are there any more questions?
Sasheer: Yeah. I have a question. Can you just do this full time instead of him?
Mikey: Yeah. I’d also like to ask that question because you are clearly articulate and charming. Where as Sean is bullish–[Sean Spicer walks in and uses fire extinguisher on Mikey]
Sean Spicer: You know why I had to put your pants out? Coz you’re bone chugged liar in there. That pant’s lying. [walks to the podium and pushing Sarah Huckabee Sanders away] Now, move. Move. When you lie all the time, your pants get on fire. Liar, liar, pants on fire. So, I put him out. That’s right. Spicy’s back. Sarah’s out. Booya! Let’s do this. First question, Michelin man. Oh, I’m sorry, I meant Glenn.
Glenn: Yes. People are saying that based on president Trump’s tweets that he is unhinged. Would you agree?
Sean Spicer: Oh, my god, Glenn. Do I come to your job and slap those seven or eight hot dogs out of your mouth? Huh? You’re really gonna ask me that? This is offensive. If he is crazy, he is crazy like a fox with mental problems. Okay? Next question.
Glenn: Yes, I have a follow-up. Isn’t it true that president Trump only fired James Comey to stop the FBI’s investigation with him?
Sean Spicer: Shut up, Glenn.
Glenn: I think the American people deserve to know.
Sean Spicer: [mocking] Oh, do they, Glenn? [gibberish] You stink!
Glenn: Come on! I don’t stink.
Sean Spicer: You stink bad!
Glenn: I don’t stink. [Glenn sits down]
Sean Spicer: Alright, let me just put this whole Russian thing to bed once and for all. Trump is innocent. How do we know? Because he told us so. Period! Then he hired lawyers to agree with him. And they’re going to prove it with a certified letter, which you know is the truth because it costs and extra $2 to certify. Now, I got a tracking number right here. You wanna check it out. It goes 8554611856– son of a– Alright, wait, that’s my bank routing number. No one use that. No one use it. You can’t take money out of it. If you wanna put money in, go ahead. Alright, next question.
Sasheer: Sean, you must know this Russia thing looks really bad.
Sean Spicer: Oh my god! There is no Russian thing. The only Russian thing here is my little dollies. Bring them out.[Sean Spicer walks to the table beside the podium. There’s a box.]
For you people. Okay, here’s the deal. See if you can follow. Okay, first of all, here’s Trump. [pulls out a pot with Donald Trump printed on it.] Okay? He’s the biggest one and he’s the most beautiful. When he was not happy with the performance of the FBI director, this guy, Comey. [Sean Spicer shows a pot with a dog’s picture] Because Comey was not being nice to our friend, boom, Hillary Clinton. [Sean Spicer shows a pot with Maleficent’s picture] Okay? This dude,[he shows a pot with another picture, but then hides it.] wait! Son of a– Okay, that’s not– Don’t look at him. Don’t look at him. If you did this Glenn, I swear to god I’ll rip you to shreds. So, what actually happened is Trump conferred with his good, good friend, there you go, Steve Bannon. [Sean Spicer shows a pot with a cartoon green slug picture] And the decision to fire Comey was even confirmed by Trump’s tiniest little buddy, come on out you little buddy, Jeff Sessions. [Sean Spicer shows a small pot with Pikachu’s picture] There we go. Jeff Sessions. So, next question.[Sean Spicer walks to the podium]
Vanessa: Yeah. Were you surprised that he fired Comey before he fired you?
Sean Spicer: Oh, god![Sean Spicer walks to a pole, carried the whole pole and throws it over the press members]
Does that answer your question? I honestly hope to god it killed her.
Cecily: Sean. Sean, just be straight with us for once. What’s really going on?
Sean Spicer: I am being straight with you. I’m telling you exactly what president Trump told me.
Glenn: Um, but what if he’s lying to you?
Sean Spicer: He– But he wouldn’t do that. He’s my friend.
Sasheer: If he’s your friend, why does he make you come out here and humiliate yourself everyday?
Sean Spicer: He doesn’t make me. I like it. I– I get off on it.
Mikey: If he’s your friend, why is everyone saying he is about to fire you and replace you with Sarah.[Sarah Huckabee Sanders walks in eating an apple]
Sarah Huckabee Sanders: Oh, bless your heart. This is the first time I’m hearing of that.[Sean Spicer pushes Sarah Huckabee Sanders away]
Sean Spicer: Get out. Get out. I gotta find Trump. I’m going to New York. [Sean Spicer’s podium is moving like it’s a car] The press interview is over![song playing] [Cut to Sean Spicer traveling on streets on the same podium]
Sean Spicer: [road rage] Common! I need to find Trump! [sobbing] I promise I’ll talk better. I can’t go back to the Navy. I can’t swim.
Guard: He doesn’t come here anymore.
Sean Spicer: Well, then where is he?[Cut to a golf course in New Jersey] [Sean Spicer finds Donald Trump
Sean Spicer: Mr. Trump. I need to talk to you. have you ever told me to say things that aren’t true?
Donald Trump: Only since you started working here.
Sean Spicer: I don’t think I can do this anymore, Mr. President. They are saying you are going to replace me with Sarah.
Donald Trump: Sean, come on. I would never do that. She doesn’t have you special spice, salt and pepper [tickling Sean Spicer’s hair] and a little bit of sugar. [tickling Sean Spicer’s belly]
Sean Spicer: No! Mr. President, stop.
Donald Trump: You like it when I do that, Sean?
Sean Spicer: No, it just tickles a little.
Donald Trump: Yeah. [Donald Trump tickles a little more]
Sean Spicer: No! I’m married.
Donald Trump: Sean, kiss me.
Sean Spicer: I can’t. I have a wife. I took vows.
Donald Trump: No, I’m famous. It’s okay.
Sean Spicer: No, wait. Is this like the Godfather when you kiss me and no one ever sees me again?
Donald Trump: Yes.[Sean Spicer and Donald Trump start kissing]