Sectionals

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Louis C.K.

[Starts with a picture of horses running]

Man: So long as men can breathe for I can see,
so long lives this and this gives life to thee

[Cut to Man standing in front of a huge leather couch]

Sectional couches. [music playing] When I was a little boy, my grandmother bought mea new couch. And I looked at it and I said, where is the rest of it? And that is the first of many stories you’re going to hear. This is going to be long. What if I told you that where most people’s couches end, your can bend and keep going?

[Cut to video clips of different L shaped couches]

Wow! Kingly. Nothing like it. Legend has it that in ancient Rome, the emperor asked for a very long couch. One that would stretch to infinity. [Cut to Man] When they built the couch, he gazed at it powerfully and said, “Well, that’s not going to fit.” So, they put a bend in it, and they built it in sections.

[Cut to a woman singing sitting on a couch] [Cut to Man]

Hi. [Cut to a couch set] This one’s called ‘Bad Lands’. God only knows what it’s stuck with. Each like bouff unfolding and unfolding for eternity.

[Cut to another couch set] This one’s called ‘The Gathering’. It looks like elephants gathered for an important reason. It has phone chargers and electricity runs through it.

[Cut to another couch set] Rest your tired head on this bosom of this robust goddess, ‘Drink of milk!’ If you don’t have this one, let me ask you a question. [Cut to Man] What are you doing? These are all made on earth. But all these couches are nothing compared to what I’m going to talk about right now. Listen to me speak. There was a woman named Barb somewhere in Racine, Wisconsin. She went to a couch store and she said–

[Cut to Barb sitting on a couch]

Barb: Bigger!

[Cut to Man]

Man: So, they showed her a bigger one and she said–

[Cut to Barb sitting on a bigger couch.]

Barb: No! Bigger!

[Cut to Man]

Man: And they showed Barb a couch bigger than any other thing on Earth! And she said–

[Cut to Barb sitting on a couch]

Barb: Yes! Yes! I’ll take it!

[Cut to Man sitting on the same couch]

Man: This piece is called ‘The Nexus.’ It is the eye of the storm. The rest of the Sectional is born from this point, and that is how they’re made. Period!

I used to have a family. I would sit on a couch here, then they on a couch there. And I longed to connect with them. So, I bought a Sectional. Then I bought another and another. Then a warehouse to store them, and a storefront to show people what they are. Some would come in and ask, “How much are they?” And I would reply, “Get out of my property. These are not for sale.” I got this air time to say, “Please, leave me alone with my Sectionals.” This is not a commercial. Goodnight!

Male voice: Sectional Sofa Emporium, eighttwofivenine, Soda Street. Not open to the public. Not a business.

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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